


You're my priority, always

by KeepDreaming86



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, F/F, Heartbroken Lexa, Modern Setting, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Time Jump, Unrequited Love, rating M for later chapters, sorry did i mention angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-08-23 14:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 68,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8331094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeepDreaming86/pseuds/KeepDreaming86
Summary: Clarke and Lexa have been best friends for years and in a week's time Clarke is getting married. Lexa is heartbroken and though Clarke is her priority, she seriously doubt she'll be able to attend the wedding and survive it.And that's ONLY one block on their path towards each other...Very angsty story BUT with a happy ending! It is not a tragedy in the formal sense. No major character will die.Modern setting AURated M for future chapters.CHAPTER 29 is up peeps :) FINALLY :)





	1. Time freeze

“Having a good time?” Raven asks Lexa who’s been nursing her beer bottle for the last half hour without even taking a single sip out of it.

“Of course.” It does not sound very convincing or even remotely sincere but the fake smile on Lexa’s face and the couple of mojitos Raven has downed in the last hour help.

“Okay, then.”

The Latina is about to walk away but hesitates for a second and grabs Lexa by the arm. “You’re coming with me. Time for a quick make over before we hit the bar.”

Lexa is reluctant but follows the other brunette nonetheless.

“And smile, for frak’s sake.”

“I shouldn’t have suggested you watch BSG...”

“And I would have missed Tricia’s hot red dress? No way, that was your best suggestion.” Raven pulls Lexa with her into Octavia’s bedroom where the other girls are giggling. “Go on, Commander, move your ass to the bed, I’m the one in charge of your make-up.”

As soon as both brunettes enter the bedroom, Clarke turns her head towards the door to look at her best friend. Octavia immediately growls and tries to catch the blonde’s attention “Hey, Princess, if you keep moving, you’re going to look like a mess and we don’t want that, do we?”

Clarke quickly smiles at Lexa, who smiles back, and faces Octavia again. “No need to be a bitch.”

“You love it,” says Octavia as she applies a very bright pinkish lipstick to the blonde.

Lexa comes and sits on the bed, next to Monroe. Raven is ready to work her magic on Lexa’s face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Harper, Anya, Maya, Fox and Emori are already at the bar, at their usual Saturday night’s booth, the table covered with various cocktails, when the Princess and her court arrive, late, as predicted.

“HEY PRINCESS!!!” yells Maya.

“Wow, you look...” starts Harper.

“She’s okay considering the trouble I had to get her to stay still” growls Octavia.

 

Lexa follows the group of ladies when Anya spots her.

“Wow, what happened to your face?” frowns the tall dark blonde girl.

“Doesn’t she look perfect like this?” smirks the Latina.

Anya seems speechless for a minute, opens her mouth, attentively examines Lexa and decides to give her opinion. “I guess... it makes her look scary.”

“Am right here, what did you do, Raven?” She turns to Anya. “She didn’t let me see.”

“Trust me, it’s good.” Says Raven as Anya talks at the same time. “It suits you, really.”

“Whatever. Monroe, give me a drink please.”

“Which one?”

“I don’t give a damn.”

 

Clarke is already sipping on her fancy unknown but very colourful cocktail and Lexa has the clear intention to get drunk when she downs her Cuba Libre all at once and grabs the next drink Monroe is presenting to her. The girls are cheering the Commander up. It’s going to be a wild night.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 2am Raven is still dancing with strangers in the middle of the dancefloor. It looks like alcohol has no effect on her. It’s almost a miracle, until it isn’t. Octavia knows that within the next hour the Latina is going to switch off like a dead light bulb. Anya knows this too but right now she is more concerned by her cousin, Lexa, who’s gone to the bathroom a while ago and still hasn’t come out.

“Lexa?”

There are a couple of girls, almost dead drunk, chatting very loudly by the sink. They don’t even notice the dark blonde knocking on the cubicles’ doors.

“Lexa, are you in there? Are you throwing up?”

Lexa growls from behind one of the doors but with the loud music, Anya can’t tell which one.

“Am okay. Just needed... some alone time.” Says Lexa as she exits her cubicle.

Anya can tell her cousin has been crying but she has to admit that the racoon’s make-up Raven did doesn’t give a clue for the average person. And Lexa is a master at putting on a brave face, a no nonsense but still caring mask. So nobody will notice anything and Anya knows her cousin enough not to question her. She knows why Lexa has been crying.

“Okay. Shall we join the others?” Lexa nods.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s now 4.30am and the girls are back at the flat. Octavia is asleep on the corner armchair, Monroe and Harper have taken her bedroom. Raven is lying face down on the living room carpet at Octavia’s feet. There is a bucket near her in case of emergency. Clarke is sharing her bedroom with Maya and Fox. Emori and Anya are sleeping on the side couch. Lexa is the only one still awake at this hour. She is sitting on the main couch, silently sobbing.

The flat is quiet apart from the wheezing emanating from the alcohol soaked girls in the room and Monroe’s extremely loud snores that could probably be heard by the neighbours. Clarke’s bright pink hen’s sash is properly folded on the sofa where Lexa is sitting. Every few minutes, Lexa gives it a look but doesn’t dare touching it. It would be too real. It would mean that there’s no coming back, that she has to accept the situation as it is. Clarke will get married next week and she doesn’t know how to feel about it. Hell, who is she kidding? She feels like hell and deep down she exactly knows why, but doesn’t want to admit it. Clarke is her best friend and she wants her to be happy. That’s all she wants. That’s the most important thing for her. Clarke is everything. She is her priority, always.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 4.52am, Clarke wakes up. Her throat is as dry as a desert. She needs a gallon of water to clench her thirst. She swears it’s the last time she drinks like this.

As drunk as she is, the blonde still manages to catwalk in the flat. She immediately notices her best friend on the couch and she knows Lexa is not sleeping. Her thirst can wait. Clarke sits next to the brunette while wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Lexa is tensed at first but relaxes a bit after a while.

“Wanna talk about it?” Lexa shakes her head and Clarke nods.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 4.55am, the girls are hugging.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 4.57am, Lexa’s silent tears start falling on Clarke’s night shirt.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 4.58am, Clarke hugs Lexa tighter.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 4.59am, Lexa’s hands grip Clarke’s shirt as if life depended on it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.01am, Clarke loosens the hugs and cups Lexa’s head in her hands. Their foreheads are touching.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.02am, time suddenly freezes. Clarke tentatively leans in and Lexa’s heart is no longer beating. After what feels like eternity, Clarke’s lips are pressed on hers. It’s not even weird. It’s natural.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

By 5.04am they are slowly making out. There’s no thinking, just reacting. It’s soft, lips are waltzing as if they’ve done it all their lives.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.07am Octavia shuffles on the armchair and Lexa’s right hand is moving down Clarke’s torso to find a bit of skin. Instinctively Lexa’s thumb caresses the bare skin it can find and Clarke’s body moves closer to the other girl’s body.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

By 5.09am, Lexa and Clarke have changed angles countless times but strangely enough the pace is still slow. Everything is happening in slow motion. Normal time is in suspension, hanging by a thin threat, in the air, just waiting for a drop to disturb the surface.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.10am, Clarke hands are massaging Lexa’s scalp while their noses are bopping, eyes closed. Lexa’s tear tracks have dried.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.11am, Clarke is caressing Lexa’s bottom lips with her left thumb. And that’s when the drop falls. Raven stirs in her sleep and the bucket that was near her right arm falls on its side and noisily rolls on the wooden floor. Time resumes its normal speed and Lexa instantly distances herself from Clarke. Lexa is uncomfortable, Clarke can tell that much by her best friend’s body language.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.12am, Lexa is in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water, facing the sink. Clarke is kindly looking at her from the doorstep. As soon as she finishes her glass and puts it in the sink, Lexa closes her eyes, takes a deep breath in and turns around to face the blonde. They look at each other for a moment before Clarke walks in the room. Lexa instinctively turns around to pick up her glass, fills it with water and hands it to the blonde. Clarke takes the glass and smiles at Lexa who tentatively smiles in response. Clarke leans in and Lexa meets her. It’s just a peck and it’s over almost as soon as it started.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.14am Lexa has left the kitchen and is heading towards the front door with her coat on.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.20am, Clarke is back in her bed and replays the last 20minutes in her mind. Clarke doesn’t know how to feel about it. Lexa is her best friend. Of course she loves her. Best friends kiss, don’t they?

Don't they?


	2. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope you're all having a nice day and that you're looking forward to the weekend as I am.  
> I cannot give you an exact schedule for each chapter (as you may have noticed, there will be 30 of them). I've got the entire outline and some later chapters are already done. So bear with me on this journey, which (SPOILER ALERT) will lead to Clexa (YES it will, I cannot imagine it otherwise but as I like angst, there will be blocks on the road).
> 
> Oh I was forgetting, the wedding day is today. Yes, it is moving fast.

On June 16th Octavia wakes up at 6am. It is not an issue for the young energetic woman. Every morning she goes for a run with her gym partner, Monroe. But today, no running gear for Octavia or Monroe. Instead, they will both wear a navy blue dress. But right now, Octavia is not concerned by her dress. She’s got something else on her mind: a particular blonde who’s well-known for being a grumpy late sleeper. In preparation for facing the blond bear, she needs a strong cup of coffee.

On the kitchen island where the fancy coffee machine Abby gave her daughter for her 21st birthday, there is an envelope. Clarke’s name is written on it. Octavia may not be used to all her friends’ handwriting but she is dead certain it is Lexa’s. She has no doubt about it. What is weird and has Octavia thinking is that Lexa was at the flat yesterday evening and she cannot recall any letter. Sure there seemed to be some tension between Lexa and Clarke but nothing too bad, she thinks. It already happened before. And Clarke is getting married so maybe the nerves... Though now that she thinks about it, Lexa was the one avoiding interacting with the blonde... and Lexa is kind of in love with Clarke, at least that’s what Octavia always thought...

Octavia is not a particularly curious person, especially compared to Raven but she has a bad feeling about this letter.

What should she do? Today is D-Day for the blonde and she cannot get distracted from the careful planning she has established for the Princess. Against her better judgement, she opens the envelope that has not been sealed.

 

 

 

> _Clarke,_
> 
> _I have written this letter a thousand times over in my head and every time it comes out wrong. There is no right way to say this: I cannot be there for your special day. I cannot even say the word. I simply can’t. I want you to be happy, tremendously happy and I sincerely hope he will make you happy. I know I haven’t been the warmest around him, and I think you know why. I am in love with you. There, I said it. I am in love with you and it’s killing me to see you with him. I want you to be happy, I really do and if he is making you happy then I have no right to be jealous. I just don’t think he is the right guy. You deserve so much more than... him. You deserve the world. I know I cannot give you the world, I know I am not good enough for you and probably never will be. It’s frustrating and killing me. I am a mess. I want you to shine. You are already shining but somehow he tarnishes your radiance I think. And I cannot stand it, especially not when you’re about to tied knots with him for the rest of your life._
> 
> _I’m leaving. I need space and time to reflect on all of this. My brain cannot function properly when I am around you. I used to be fine but since your hen’s party I can no longer pretend. I am in love with you and even if for you our kiss, or kisses I should say, were merely friendly, for me they were everything. I know I don’t deserve your love but you deserve mine. You deserve for me to be happy on your wedding day (there I finally said it) but I cannot trust myself for not messing it up. So I decided to not tempt fate and leave before the ceremony. I want to see you in your wedding dress but at the same time I know it will end me. I am a mess. Sorry. I love you. I love you, Clarke. Always and forever. I love you. Be happy. Be you._
> 
> _Yours forever,_
> 
> _Lexa_

 

 

“Oh no...”

“What?”

Octavia turns around and sees Raven standing there with her eyebrows raised.

“Nothing, I just...”

“Spill the beans.”

“I just want everything to be perfect, that’s all.” Good save, Octavia thinks. Then her thoughts are focusing on a problematic brunette who could ruin everything. “Can you drive me to Lexa’s?”

“Shouldn’t you be focusing on our Princess right here?”

“We’ve got plenty of time and you know she’s not exactly a morning person. Let her sleep a bit longer. It’s sort of a... wedding gift.” Octavia surprises herself. She could actually save the day at this rate.

“Okay then. Let’s go.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Raven is waiting in her pick-up truck, impatiently glancing at Lexa’s building. It’s been almost 20 minutes since Octavia disappeared through the lobby’s doors. It’s fairly early and Clarke is probably still fast asleep, unaware that her bridesmaids are late, according to Octavia’s schedule. But still, Raven is getting nervous. She doesn’t know what’s going on. She didn’t push for information but now she has a bad feeling. Maybe she should send Octavia a text. And thinking about it, it’s weird that she specifically asked her to stay in the car. Something is not right. Sure, the Commander and she are not exactly on the best of terms but they get along pretty well...

As her mind starts imagining reasons why Octavia could possibly want to see Lexa this specific morning, Raven hears the passenger’s door opening. Octavia pushes Lexa to sit in the middle. She is wearing casual clothes but Octavia has a bag with her, most probably containing Lexa’s outfit for this afternoon.

“Going back to the flat?” asks Raven.

“Yep” Octavia pops the p a bit too much for it to be casual. Raven does not push for more but she can sense the tensed atmosphere. And Lexa is dead quiet. Not even a hello. After the third traffic light, Raven decides to break the silence by putting on the radio. Even the funny advertisement does not make Octavia react. What is happening?

The girls reach their destination only a couple of minutes later. Everybody is so eager to exit the car that it’s as if somebody had told them there was a ticking bomb under the driver’s seat.

When they reach the fourth floor where the girls’ flat is, still no word has been spoken.

Clarke is awake, in the kitchen, sipping on a cup of coffee when the girls finally enter the apartment. She seems pretty relaxed considering which day it is for her.

“Hey O! Where were you?”

Clarke is not surprised to see Raven. But Lexa? She stands kind of awkwardly in the middle of the living-room. Clarke smiles at her best friend but as soon as she realises Lexa is avoiding eye contact, her smile quickly turns sad. It’s quickly over as Octavia takes charge of the situation.

“Since you’re already up and functioning” she says pointing at the cup of coffee “we can get started.” Octavia turns towards Raven.

“Rae, go grab my hair box in the bathroom.”

Raven is pouting at her.

“Please?”

“Okay, Corporal Blake. At your service m’am.”

Octavia seems to wonder for a minute about what to give Lexa to do. She needs to be occupied at all time; otherwise she might try to flee the scene.

“Lexa, can you make us one of your breakfasts, please?”

Lexa nods quietly and disappears in the kitchen. Clarke looks upset. Octavia needs to cheer her up as soon as possible. For everybody’s sake, and especially her nerves.

“Okay, Princess, let’s pamper you up. Follow me please?” Octavia drags the blonde to her bedroom which is going to be the headquarters for the next couple of hours.

 

 

* * *

 

After breakfast, the atmosphere seems to be a bit more festive. Raven and Octavia crack a few jokes and manage to make Clarke laugh. Even the Commander seems to relax a bit. She even smiles a couple of times. Sure, it’s not the full on _I’m happy_ smile but it is better than when she arrived at the blonde’s flat earlier this morning. Clarke knows there is something up with her best friend. Yesterday, she was already acting a bit weird. The blonde doesn’t dare thinking her wedding might be the reason. Clarke’s mind doesn’t dare thinking about last week’s kissing session. Clarke’s mind doesn’t think about the unanswered texts she sent to her best friend asking if they were okay. Clarke’s mind doesn’t want to think about the weird sensation she can feel in the pit of her stomach.

After make-up and hair are done for everyone, Octavia, Raven and Lexa get dressed. Raven is wearing the same navy blue dress as Octavia. When her best friend reappears wearing a smart black pants suit, Clarke’s mind is totally objective when it screams “stunning”.

At 12pm sharp, Monty Green arrives at the girls’ flat and starts his mission. He is the unofficial photographer for today’s occasion. The good thing about Monty is that he knows how to be invisible which helps him getting very natural and spontaneous pictures. And today, he’s going to shoot key moments in Clarke’s life, he just doesn’t know yet how important those pictures will be. Nobody knows at this point.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 2.13pm, Clarke is waiting in her mother’s car with Abby and Octavia. Harper is running towards the car and trust me it is rather funny to see her struggling with her heels. She’s not exactly a dress-kind of girl and even less a 5-inches heels lady. But as funny as the sight might be it’s not cheering up the ladies in the vehicle. The groom is late and Harper keeps them updated.

In the church, Raven and Anya are making bets while Lexa looks like she’s going to puke.

At 2.34pm, the groom finally arrives and everyone sits down, waiting now for the bride to make her entrance. The next 45 minutes or so are a nightmare for Lexa.

At 4pm all guests are attending the cocktail in the garden of some fancy hotel Lexa has never heard of. The brunette cannot believe she is still breathing. Honestly she never thought she would survive the ceremony and yet, here she is, downing her second fancy fizzy cocktail. Clarke is god knows where, probably taking the official couple’s pictures. With her new husband. Her husband. Clarke is married. Her best friend is married. To a rich kid from the big city. It’s not like Lexa thought her best friend couldn’t get married. It’s just that she never imagined it really. No scratch that, she did think about it. Especially these last few months and all of last week.

“Go easy on the booze Lexa.”

Lexa turns around a bit too quickly and almost spills her drink on Octavia.

“You made it.”

Lexa thinks about it for a second. Yes, technically she made it. She is still alive. At least on the exterior she looks alive. Inside, well, it’s another story.

Lexa nods.

“You’ll find yourself a nice girl...”

Even Octavia doesn’t sound convincing. Lexa downs her drink as her eyes catches a waiter with a very promising tray in his hands. Before she makes a bee line for a new drink, Octavia grabs her by the arm.

“Don’t give her the letter.”

“Who do you think I am?” That comes out very angry from the brunette in the suit.

“She’s happy...”

“I know that and I lo- I like her too much to...”

“I know you’re hurt but it’ll pass...”

“Please don’t. You have no idea what it’s like.”

Octavia doesn’t know what to reply. Sure, she has been through a few heartbreaking moments in her life but it had never been about unrequited love and she knows, no scratch that, she realises how much Lexa loves her blonde friend.

“What’s up ladies? Enjoying the free booze?”

Raven has always had a perfect timing. Without knowing it she offers an exit to Lexa.

“Yes. I was actually going to grab myself another drink.” At that, Lexa disappears.

“Is it her _ketchup time_ of the month?” asks Raven.

Octavia bursts into laughter.

“So? Is it?”

Octavia shakes her head.

“She is...” starts the Latina.

“She is in love with the bride.” Oops. Octavia just spilled the beans.

But to the young woman’s surprise, Raven doesn’t look shocked at all.

“I guessed that much.”

“How long have you known?”

“I dunno... I suspected it for quite some time. How do you know?”

“What are we talking about?” Shit, now Monroe is joining the conversation. What if she heard?

“Lexa is heartbroken, it’s written all over her face.” Says Monroe.

Okay so she knows too. Who else?

“I honestly thought she wouldn’t show up.” Now Maya makes her contribution.

“Fuck it.” Octavia gestures to the ladies to come with her to a more secluded area to avoid unwanted eavesdropping.

“She wasn’t going to come. I forced her to.” Now Raven knows what this morning’s rant was about. “She was going to break Clarke’s heart, I couldn’t let that happen.”

Everyone is silent and seems to agree with the short brunette. Octavia doesn’t want to tell them about the letter. That is too private and Lexa would never forgive her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.55pm everyone is summoned inside to sit at their table and prepare for the newlyweds’ entrance. Lexa was initially supposed to sit at the newlyweds table but after some tough negotiation with the blonde a few weeks ago, she managed to secure a seat at a relatively secluded table. It had immensely pained the blonde but she agreed to it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6pm sharp, the newlyweds make their grand entrance in the dining hall as some 50s jazz music is played by the live band the family of the groom has paid for. Clarke is smiling like she’s a movie star, and she surely is a star today. Everyone is clapping at the couple until they reach their table. Lexa does her duty and claps like everyone else. Then she sits down and dinner starts.

Lexa doesn’t know anybody at her table. That’s okay. She actually wanted it that way. She is surrounded by aunts, uncles, cousins and god knows who from the groom’s side. It’s to mix it up a bit, she said to Clarke. Lexa spends the whole dinner observing people around her, making mental notes about the way they chew, the rate each bottle of wine is emptied or the kind of topics they talk about. She doesn’t really pay attention to the content of the conversations though. It’s all background noise to her. Time and space are suspended. It feels unreal. Lexa barely touches her plate.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At some point during the evening, Octavia makes a speech and an unknown guy with a ridiculous haircut embarrasses the groom. Lexa doesn’t register a single word but her table neighbour thinks she enjoys it a lot as he notices her silent tears.

“That was some speech the brunette gave. Are you from Clarke’s side or...?”

“Yeah.”

“Close friend?”

Lexa has to think about that for a second. Are they still friends? Can they still be friends? Ever since last week’s event, Lexa is lost. She doesn’t know where she stands anymore. All she knows is that she loves Clarke and probably always will.

“Sort of.”

The guy frowns at her reply.

“I mean, weddings make me emotional.” This answer seems to please him and he drops the topic.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Then comes the first dance. Jake would have stolen the show with his daughter, that’s for sure. But since he couldn’t be here today, Abby decided to replace her dead husband and dance with her daughter. When Abby proposed that arrangement a few months ago, Clarke was so shaken up, in a good way, that she immediately called Lexa to tell her. They spent the evening on the phone recalling nice memories of Jake.

Abby and Clarke have opted for a Frank Sinatra song they used to sing together in the kitchen of the family house, every Christmas. _I’ve got you under my skin_. It warms Lexa’s heart for a moment. She cannot help but grin at the sight. Mother and daughter sharing a very intense bonding moment. Two women she loves. One like a mother and the other as...

“Want to dance with me?”

Lexa’s head make a 180° spin to look at her cousin, Anya.

“I can’t promise not to step on your huge feet.”

“Hey, I don’t have huge feet.” Growls Lexa.

“Come on lil cousin, come dance with me.” Anya invites Lexa with her right hand.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Around 2am, the party is going wild. Most people are on the dance floor sweating the alcohol and calories they have swallowed during the evening. Lexa is looking at them from her seat. She feels like a stranger to all this. It is happening before her eyes yes, but she is not included, she is only a witness to these events. She doesn’t see Clarke approaching from her side.

“Not a fan of the music, huh?”

Lexa doesn’t need to look at her to know it’s Clarke and that she is sitting next to her.

“Don’t want to dance with me?”

Please, don’t ask me this Clarke. Don’t. I can’t.

“Ha ha! You know am a clumsy dancer.”

“So you’ll dance with me?”

Please Clarke, please. I can’t. I don’t know how to be around you anymore.

“I think I’ll pass.”

Clarke is pouting. Lexa knows it. She doesn’t dare looking at her but she knows Clarke makes her irresistible puppy face.

“If you offer me a drink then, I dunno, maybe...”

“What do you want?”

“Surprise me.”

Clarke is determined to get Lexa to dance with her. If all it takes is one drink, then she doesn’t care about her feet which are killing her in those heels. She will get that drink.

“What can I get you m’am?” asks the bartender.

“Surprise me. And make that 2.” Replies the blonde.

The young and handsome bartender starts spinning a shaker in the air and making a whole show out of it. It makes Clarke smile. After a couple of minutes, Clarke makes her way back to Lexa’s table, 2 very colourful cocktails in her hands. But the brunette is no longer there. She may have gone to the toilets to fresh up a bit. Clarke puts the cocktails down on the table and waits for her best friend to come back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Lexa does not come back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that was rude of me to leave you with that cliffhanger but remember what I said: I like angst BUT Clarke and Lexa will find their way back to each other.
> 
> Just in case you might be interested, you can find me on Tumblr with this address:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	3. Lazy people eat muesli for dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks a lot for all the kudos :)  
> 3rd and last chapter I will publish this week (I'll be travelling/driving all day tomorrow).
> 
> There's a time jump for this one, a significant one, 5 years to be precise. Oh and also it's starting with some bedroom sport... I will not say more, enjoy.

“Yeah right here... ah... yes... fuck yes... FUCK...”

“You like that huh?”

“Less talking, more action,” complains Clarke while she pushes the head on her lover back where it belongs, between her thighs.

“Ummm... yeah... YESSSSS! Keep... going...”

The blonde has more or less always been quite vocal when having sex. When she used to be a student, it could be problematic, and Hayley, her roommate back then, complained a lot. But these days are over. She now owns her own flat. She shared it with Octavia for a few years before she moved out to live with her boyfriend Lincoln. Not that would matter has she is currently not at her flat. But her lover’s neighbours could complain about the noise. Some of them even give her a knowing look, especially when she exits Niylah’s flat.

Today has been rough for Clarke: her boss’s son has given her the lead on a very problematic programme. The blonde works as a project manager for WEATHER Corp, a multinational chemicals company. They recently acquired one of their suppliers which will ultimately help them better control the supply chain. But it requires a transfer plan to align processes and ensure that norms are followed to the letter. And so much more... well, basically a lot of opportunities to fuck it up. But if she succeeds it’ll give her enough leverage to renegotiate her current position within the company. So tonight she needs to relax and what better way to release some steam than engaging in bedroom sport? And Niylah always seems available so it’s a no-brainer for Clarke.

“Say my name...”

“Aaaaahhhh... FUCK!”

Niylah knows the blonde will not say her name during sex. She’ll yell anything but her name. At first it was weird and Niylah didn’t make a fuss about it. But that was 2 years ago. She thought it would change but here they are 2 years later, the blue-eyed blonde still refusing to say her name. And like at the beginning, they were having sex at Niylah’s place. Not once did Clarke invite her to her flat. Not a single time. Clarke’s flat was off limits and but Niylah does not let it affect her feelings for her lover. Because, yes, Niylah has feelings for Clarke, even though she is kept at arm’s length. Sometimes you can’t help feeling. It hurts.

“Say my name please...” asks Niylah, looking up from her lover’s centre.

Clarke doesn’t take kindly the repeated request and suddenly decides enough is enough. Today, more than any other day, she wants simple. Simple interactions. Simple intercourse. No feelings. Just physical release. She is removing herself from her mistress’s grip when Niylah pleads again.

“Sorry... I didn’t mean to... please. I want to-“

“Forget it. I’m going home.”

There’s no point arguing this further, Niylah knows this. So she lets Clarke leave.

Both women are frustrated but for different reasons.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke lights up a cigarette as she sits on a bench in Victoria Park. It’s a nasty habit she picked up a few years ago, 5 years ago to be precise. To say that it was the reason why her marriage ended would be too much but it certainly contributed. Finn and she wouldn’t have worked out in the long run anyway. He was a nice guy, he really was. But that cannot be enough. They agreed to divorce a year after getting married. It had been an ideal divorce really, no shouting, no tears and no disagreement. They even stayed friends for a while.

5 years ago, on June 25th Clarke started smoking. Anya was the one who supplied her first cigarette. Clarke had spent her day crying at Anya’s flat. It had been 9 days since she last saw her best friend. No phone call, no emails, not a single text. Even her Facebook account had been deactivated. It was the only social media Lexa was on. It’s almost like she never existed at all. Anya had been taken aback too. She didn’t see it coming. She always thought of her cousin being a reasonable person. She was disappointed. So when the recently married blonde showed up at her door with a bottle of rum at 7am and the face of somebody who did not have much sleep for the last few days, she called sick and stayed with her cousin’s best friend. They drank and smoked. Anya was more of a recreational smoker than anything else and even then it was very rare to catch her puffing a smoke. But on June 25th, it felt necessary. And since then, Clarke would smoke every time she felt overwhelmed, which was episodic.

Clarke picks up her cell-phone in her purse to check if she’s got any messages. There are 2 texts. One from Raven probably to remind her to bring her motorcycle to the garage on Friday and one from Monroe. She clicks on the latter’s name and the conversation opens.

> _Hi Clarke. What’s up? It’s been a while. Free for a drink with me and the gang on Friday night? Take care. Zoe_

Clarke looks up at the starry night sky. Yes, it’s been a while. I certainly deserve a drink.

> _Hi. Place and time?_

Quick, efficient, straight to the point. Her interactions with Monroe have almost always been that way. No beating around the bushes. Clarke takes a drag on her cigarette and her phone vibrates.

> _Grounders. 7.30pm. There’s a live band playing. Sending you a Youtube link on FB messenger._

Clarke is still reading the text when her phone vibrates again. She will look at the link at home. For now she enjoys her smoke.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is back at her place around 10pm. She still hasn’t had dinner yet. She considers calling her favourite Indian take-away but decides otherwise. She opens her fridge and settles her choice on Greek yoghurt. With muesli. “It’s for lazy people” used to say her best friend. 5 years ago, just the sight of muesli was enough to bring her to tears. Now it’s okay. And anyway, giving up on everything that reminds her of Lexa would be giving the missing brunette too much power.

Clarke checks out Monroe’s link on her tablet has she eats her _lazy people_ ’s dinner. The Boat People. That’s the name of the band. They are not bad, though it sounds a bit too nostalgic for her. Not that she doesn’t like sad songs but if she’s going out for a drink she wants to be able to dance to upbeat music. She clicks on a suggested video and it’s a solo from the lead singer playing acoustic guitar. Wow, she’s good. Good looking too. And what a voice!

Clarke keeps on clicking on suggested videos and ends up watchin an interview of the lead singer, Luna (no last name? That’s probably an artist name...). She passionately talks about failure and pursuing dreams in spite of failures. That’s what makes you grow as an artist, she says. Lessons-learned.

Clarke looks at her drawing box lying in the corner of the living room, untouched for god knows how long (actually she knows, almost a whole year). She puts her tablet down on the coffee table and stands up from the couch where she ended up an hour ago. She picks the box up and puts it on the coffee table. It’s decided, tomorrow she will draw again. But for now it’s getting late and she has a meeting at 8.30am with Cage Wallace.

Clarke goes to bed round 1am. It’s not unusual for her. Clarke has always been a night owl. It’s just the way her body works.

After a good 15 minutes thinking about it, she decides to get herself off. Niylah couldn’t deliver so I will take of it myself, think Clarke. She closes her eyes and thinks hard about a random girl she has seen in the street today. At the beginning it seems to work. But then her thoughts travel from the cute stranger to a painstakingly beautiful Lexa, as she remembers her. She doesn’t want to think about Lexa when she masturbates (though it happens quite often, masturbation and thinking about Lexa while doing it that is). It’s painful, her mouth ache to kiss Lexa. It’s so frustrating. But she needs release.

She ends up screaming Lexa’s name while sobbing. Tonight’s orgasm has been particularly powerful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somewhere on the other side of the world, Lexa is not having a good day either. Though contrary to Clarke, it started pretty great. She had just been offered a promotion. Then she learned it implied coming back home, where she grew up and fell in love.

But the real kicker happened in the afternoon.

“Miss Woods, please follow me,” said the nurse while leading her to the doctor’s office.

“Miss Woods, am not going to beat around the bushes: your results came back positive.”

Then whatever the doctor said next, Lexa heard nothing. It was background noise. She barely registered that his lips were moving. The whole thing was blurry though she was too numb to even cry.

“Miss Woods?”

Lexa blinked.

“It’s a lot to take in but, and I insist on the _but_ , there are options.”

Lexa nods. Options. They always say that. They don’t want you to give up. It probably clears their conscience.

“This is not the end,” says the apologetic doctor.

Lexa feels like it’s the end though.

“I would like to see you next week to discuss our options. Jill will look at my calendar...”

“I’m leaving... I mean, I’m relocating.” It comes out without a second thought. It surprises Lexa as she has not given her decision yet. But yeah, sure, she is considering it.

“That’s good news, isn’t it?”

Lexa does not know if coming back _home_ is a good thing especially when her _home_ is already taken... But now is neither the time nor the place to think about that.

“I guess,” says Lexa.

“Where about? I will look for colleagues of mine who could take up your case.”

“Polis, in the States.”

It’s been a while since she last mentioned the name of her hometown. Almost 5 years.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It’s now 8.45pm and Lexa doesn’t want to cook anything. She just grabs milk from her fridge, a bowl and muesli. That’s her dinner tonight. When she needs comfort or when she misses Clarke too much (trust me both are linked), she does things that reminds her of the blonde. She used to tease her best friend every time Clarke opted for the muesli/lazy option after a long study session. Clarke kept on doing it after graduation. Lexa wonders if she is still doing it. And tonight Lexa is definitely thinking about the blonde.

Every night Lexa goes to sleep at 10.15pm sharp. She has her evening routine. The brunette thinks routine is the best way to prevent despair to take over and keep on moving forward. She always has thought like this. And these past 5 years have proved her right.

So at 10pm she changes into her usual nightwear, an old NASA t-shirt and dark boys’ shorts. She then brushes her teeth and puts a night cream on her face. She then walks to the kitchen and check that everything is in order, especially the gas. Lexa has always been a bit compulsive with that. It used to make her best friend laugh and her cousin, Anya, used to make fun of her, nicknaming her “old compulsive lady”.

At 10.14pm, Lexa is back in her bedroom, under the covers. She opens the top drawer of her nightstand and pulls a photo frame. Inside there is a photo of Clarke, Abby, Jake and herself. They are in the backyard at the Griffins. All 4 of them are smiling. It has been taken some 15 years ago, during summer. It had been a wonderful summer though the end had been quite tragic for Lexa. She had stayed at the Griffins almost all summer. Her own parents were on a cruise in the Caribbean. They never came back. They made it back in the States but had a car accident on their way back to Polis. Lexa had gone living at her uncle’s, Gustus. And that’s when she started bonding with her big cousin Anya until she left for university a year later. She spent a lot of time at the Griffins until it was her time for university. They were family to her.

Lexa caresses Clarke’s face over the thin glass of the photo frame.

“Good night beautiful. I hope you had a nice day and that you are happy. Sleep well my love.”

Lexa puts the frame back into the drawer.

At 10.15pm, Lexa turns the light off.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it is moving fast but it's not going to be the case for each chapter. There will be other time jumps but this one is the most significant. With that being said, what did you think? Lexa seems to be the unluckiest girl ever at this point but don't worry I'm not torturing her just for the fun of it. It serves the story. Should I mention that Lexa is my favourite character? I like the others, don't get me wrong but Lexa is... well she is Lexa.
> 
>  
> 
> So, I was saying in the summary, that's the last chapter for this week but I will be back with a new chapter early next week (most probably Tuesday). In the meantime I wish you an excellent weekend wherever you are in the world.
> 
> Should you want to stop by Tumblr and leave me line:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	4. Promotions & Celebrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, hope you all had a good weekend. I finished re-reading chapter 4 earlier than I thought so I decided to publish it sooner than initially scheduled.
> 
> So here is chapter 4, enjoy :)

 

 

_Beep beep beep beep_...

Lexa is in the shower and cannot hear her alarm clock ringing. Normally she stops it even before it finishes its first beep but today her morning routine seems all messed up. She almost didn’t sleep last night.

She laid awake in the dark, staring at the ceiling. She thought about Clarke. She made up all sort of scenarios where the blonde was excruciatingly happy with her husband surrounded by kids and she wondered how she would react should she randomly meet the happy family in the street. And then she thought that maybe they moved out of the city. Going green for the kids. Not for one minute did she think about her promotion or her doctor’s appointment earlier in the day. All her thoughts went straight to Clarke.

She spent most of the night silently sobbing while convincing herself that she made the right decision when she left 5 years ago. She would have only been a block on their road. Clarke deserved (and still does) the best in every possible way. By staying Lexa would have blocked her way to happiness, she was sure of it. Sure they were friends, best friends even, but Clarke needed to focus on her marriage. And her feelings for the blonde would have made things awkward between them. Lexa had taken the right decision, she was certain of it.

As soon as the water jet is shut down, Lexa hears the annoying beep coming from her bedroom. She steps out of the shower, wraps herself in a towel and hurries back to the bedroom to shut the alarm clock.

Back in the bathroom, Lexa looks at her reflection in the mirror. She doesn’t look too bad considering she cried all night and didn’t get more than a couple of hours of sleep.

Lexa meets with her boss at 9am. She will give her decision concerning the promotion and relocating. If she refuses, she stays there, starts a treatment (though Lexa doesn’t really want to think about that) and most importantly she stays out of Clarke’s life and happiness. But if she takes the position, she will help her company grow, she will become the youngest female Division Leader of her industry. She will be taking the lead on the Global Recycling Programme her company has undertaken a couple of years ago. But it means coming back to Polis and maybe crossing the path of old acquaintances and friends. It means potentially seeing Clarke. And her husband. And her kids. And witnessing their blissful happiness. Lexa doesn’t know if she is strong enough for that. Taking responsibilities for her company should be her biggest concern. But Lexa is not afraid of that. She thinks she is ready to face the challenges. However she is anxious about her old best friend. Her head tries to convince her that she is an adult and emotions are not to be taken into account in such important decision for her career. Love is weakness. Lexa is strong. She can move mountains if she sets her mind up to it. But her heart is screaming that it will be an agony to see Clarke in love with her perfect life.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 9.15am, Lexa’s meeting with her boss is already finished. It is decided, she will be moving back to Polis next month.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Clarke’s meeting lasts much longer than Lexa’s. And it’s only after almost 3 painful hours that Cage Wallace calls it a wrap. Clarke will meet go to Ton DC next week, to meet Indra Pine who should be her guide at the plant. She is to spend the next 6 months between Polis and TonDC. And that’s the nominal planning estimation. It could be longer. Cage Wallace is not exactly known for delivering on-time so his planning skills may certainly be questionable.

Back at her desk, Clarke is pissed. Cage is an incompetent in her opinion. WEATHER Corp acquired Trikru Materials almost 4 months ago and the official transfer of part of their activities is supposed to start in 3 weeks time. Cage didn’t event specify which activities would be transferred. It is a mess. He gave her nothing but vague directives, no definitive scope; no risk assessment for the transfer has been done... She would have to do it all. And on top of that, of course when she asked for a team to support her, he babbled to find excuses for not assigning her anybody. She would have to do it all on her own. Well, at least Trikru Materials have appointed this Indra Pine to help her. Or is it she to be a guide in the factory?

“We don’t have the available resources at the moment”, he said.

Sure, yeah, but if you had appointed your friend Emerson, resources would have magically appeared and been allocated to support him.

“I understand,” that’s all Clarke said but she was boiling with frustration.

You’re on your own on this one, thinks Clarke. 5 years ago her first reflex would have been to call Lexa and vent her anger and frustration on the phone but when her best friend vanished she had to readjust and find alternative ways to blow some steam off. No, not Niylah. At least not for this kind of steam.

 

“Free tonight for some shots?”

“Ermmm... hello to you too...”

“Don’t tell me you just woke up?”

“No actually, you did.”

“But it’s almost lunch time...” Clarke rolls her eyes up at her friend on the other side of the phone.

“Yeah?”

“You’re a fucking mess.”

“Did you just call to insult my lifestyle?”

“No, though it is questionable...”

“Back to the point please, so I can lie down a bit...”

“Free for shots tonight? My place?”

“... ermmm... yeah. Any special occasion?”

“Promotion, sort of.”

“Good news?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, I’ll bring Tequila then.”

“You’re a star.”

“Yeah... yeah... Can I go back to sleep now?”

“Sure.” Clarke is about to hang up when she adds “Thanks for... you know...”

“I know, I know.”

There’s a pregnant silence.

“Okay, can I go back to sleep now?”

“Sure, catcha tonight.”

Clarke feels much more relaxed now. She is looking forward to tonight’s drinks.

The rest of the day at the office is pretty uneventful: tons of emails to answer, a few phone calls and a boring department meeting. The usual, really.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is preparing some homemade tapas (patatas bravas, albondigas and calamares) when she hears a loud knock coming from her front door. The blonde is a fairly lazy cook when she’s eating on her own but when she is hosting, then, she enjoys making everything herself. She picked that from her mum and is very proud of it. Needless to say that Abby is proud of it too.

Clarke goes to open the door to her guest.

“Hey! I come bearing gifts.”

Anya has a bottle of Tequila in one hand and a box of cherry liquor chocolates in the other.

“Hey!” Clarke hugs her and closes the door behind her guest once she comes in. “Make yourself at home.”

“I will, you know me.”

Clarke looks at her friend for a second and smiles. She thinks it’s amazing that they get along so well. They’ve reached a level of non-verbal communication that she only thought she could have with Lexa. But anyway, since Lexa left, a lot of things changed.

“So, what’s the promotion?” asks Anya.

“Mmm... you have standing before your very eyes the new Trikru Materials Integration Project Manager.”

“I thought you were working for WEATHER Corp?”

“Yeah, am still working for DEVIL’S Corp,” both women smile at that, “but they’ve acquired a supplier, Trikru Materials a few months ago, and now we’ve got to integrate them into our processes and transfer some of their activities to the _mother ship_.”

“Right, so you’re in charge of everything, basically?”

“Pretty much.”

“And...”

“And wait for it... NO TEAM. Am on my own.”

“Typical.”

“Yeah and it is supposed to start in 3 weeks.”

“So? Plenty of time.” At that the cooking blonde throws a couple of grapes from the fruit bowl on the kitchen island at her friend.

“That’s mean,” yells Clarke.

“And you’re throwing perfectly good food at me for that?” says Anya who caught the grapes and now eats them.

Clarke pouts.

“So, I was saying, it’s messed up. Oh and I have to spend my time between back there and here for the next 6 months minimum.”

“And where is this Trikru something plant?”

“TonDC.”

“That’s the really bummer,” says Anya with a dramatic tone.

“I’ve never been there, I don’t know. It’s just...” Clarke starts getting emotional. Anya understands and goes to her friend to hug her.

“I know.”

Clarke holds back the tears that menace to ruin her mascara.

“You want me to drop by your flat when you’re not there?”

“No...” But Clarke doesn’t sound convincing.

“Give me your spare keys and we’ll talk about something else.”

Clarke nods and goes to her bedroom to retrieve her spare keys that are in her nightstand.

Clarke almost never leaves the city and when she does, Anya usually comes by her flat. It doesn’ happen regularly and never for a long period of time. They never openly talk about her reasons but Anya knows best. She knows the blonde is waiting for Lexa. She knows that she still hopes Lexa will one day show up at her door, just like that, out of the blue. She also knows that Clarke doesn’t trust anyone else but Anya about this. In a lot of ways Anya is a substitute for Lexa. She doesn’t mind it because despite this aspect, she developed a real friendship with the blonde. And even if she doesn’t dare admit it, Anya also hopes that Lexa will show up at Clarke’s door. Someday.

“Here,” says Clarke as she hands Anya her spare keys.

“Can I raid your fridge on a regular?”

Clarke glares at Anya.

“Okay, I was just joking.”

“Are you done?”

“Sure, let’s start the proper celebration.” Anya opens the brand new Tequila bottle. “Glasses, please?”

“If you’d like to follow me to this corner of kitchen Miss?”

Anya almost trips on a box on the floor by the stools in the kitchen. “Shoot. What’s that?”

“Oh, yeah I started drawing again. And I am considering painting a bit too.”

“That’s good.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya and Clarke spend the evening talking about everything, from the latest flirts in Anya’s conquest chart to the latest political scandals. Everything but a few touchy topics. Niylah is one of them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is not in the mood to celebrate her promotion. She feels a bit bad for not telling her employer about her medical condition. Hell, she just found out. She hasn’t even processed it yet. Leukaemia. She has leukaemia. She just went to donate blood a few weeks ago. It was supposed to be it. Just a good deed. She doesn’t even have any of the usual symptoms. It feels so unfair. She doesn’t know how to react. Should she just give up? Should she fight?

“What would you want me to do?” she asks Clarke’s picture on her phone.

_You would probably ask me to fight. Not to give up. You’d be my rock. You’d be there with me, as my friend. You’d probably hug me and not let me go unless I promise to do as you say._

Lexa knows that Clarke would not accept a medical diagnosis without a fight and as her doctor said to her yesterday “You’re lucky we caught it early. We need to do a couple of exams to determine which state we’re at but it should be very early stage as you give your blood every four months and last time it came out perfectly clean.”

“Okay, Clarke. I will fight this. For you.” Lexa knows Clarke would never forgive her if she did not fight for her life.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s now Friday and Clarke cannot wait for the work day to be over. First order of business, she has to drop by Raven’s garage to leave her motorcycle for servicing. Clarke has a Harley-Davidson Sportster 883 SuperLow that she bought last year. Before that, a few years before, she had the old Triumph of her dad. But someday it had been stolen. Abby was not happy that her only daughter had taken up on her dad’s love for motorcycles but at least she was reassured that Clarke only used it during the weekends, when she was going for a spin outside the city for a few hours. Now it’s only once in a while and Abby is used to it. Sort of.

 “I thought you’d forgotten.”

“Hello to you too Rae.”

“Let me say hello to the beast first.” Raven addresses the motorcycle.

“I see that you still love her more than me,” jokes Clarke.

“Not only is she beautiful, but when you bring her to the shop I can also ride her.”

“You’re rude and crass.”

Both women laugh at that.

“So, coming tonight?”

“Grounders?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Want me to come and get you?”

“Okay. When can I get my beast back?”

“Monday should be fine.”

“Can you keep it longer? I won’t be in town on Monday. I have this thing for work...”

“Yeah, drop by the shop anytime after Monday.”

“Okay.”

“So, for tonight. Concert is at 7.30pm I think, so shall I pick you up at 6.30pm?”

“It only gives me 45minutes to get prepared...” moans the blonde.

“Unless you intend to find yourself a one-night stand male lover, you could come in your business clothes it wouldn’t be a problem. Some people, especially ladies, find that bossy look very attractive. Am just saying.”

“Ha ha... Yeah right. Let me change into something more comfortable in case we go dancing afterwards.”

“That’s fair. See you in a bit.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke and Raven arrive at Grounders at 7.16pm and almost all their friends are already there. Only Octavia, Lincoln, Jasper and Maya have not arrived yet.

“It’s amazing that the straight couples are always late,” jokes Monroe with Harper in her arms.

“Well, technically they are not late yet. They’ve got another 10 minutes or so to make it. And not all queer couples are on time” Monty says.

“Yeah, good call, where is your boyfriend Monty?” asks Raven.

“Yeah, where is Miller boy?” Harper likes teasing Monty. At some point in their college years they were a couple for a bit but realised that they were better off as friends.

“He got stuck at work with a last minute meeting, you know, the usual Friday late afternoon _Shit, we forgot this important thing we promised to solve this week_ kind of meeting.”

“Oh yeah, I know those meetings...” Clarke comments.

“It’s amazing to witness that week after week it’s always the same. It’s almost like they never learn...” says Harper.

Everyone agrees at that and sips at their respective drink.

“So, I hear, Octavia has some good news,” says Monroe while smiling.

“Yeah, apparently something big,” adds Raven, enthusiastically.

Clarke feels left out. She hasn’t talked to Octavia in quite some time. They used to be such good friends. That is until she left to live with Lincoln. Or was it before? When Lexa left? Clarke doesn’t have time to theorize as her former roommate finally arrives with Lincoln at her left arm.

Clarke doesn’t need to hear what she is saying (or yelling would be more accurate) to understand what the good news is about. Octavia is showing it in everyone’s face. She is wearing a huge engagement ring, at least 2 carats. Clarke is happy for her friend. Of course she is. But she feels weird about it. Not that it is a surprise; it was due to happen someday. Hell, they’ve been together over 7 years now. But in some way she feels a bit envious.

“Congrats to the happy couple,” yells Clarke with a big smile. Everyone joins her by raising their glasses.

She curses herself for being jealous and downs her mojito.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a transition for both Clarke and Lexa. Next chapter, Lexa is back in Polis, finally.
> 
> Chapter 5, which is longer that I initially anticipated, should be ready by Thursday (if I can it'll be sooner but realistically speaking it's safer to say Thursday).
> 
> Thanks to you all for reading, leaving kudos and taking time to review, it is much much appreciated :) You guys rock!
> 
> In the meantime, if you don't have an A3o account and wish to drop me a line/comment/question (or simply say hi and be Clexa friends with me), please help yourself via Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/
> 
> Wish you all an excellent start of the week, take care.


	5. Julia’s Fantastic Doughnuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another small time jump, of 1 month this time, which means... Lexa is back in Polis, finally!!!
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 5. Enjoy :)

 

 

 

Lexa is finally back in Polis.

 

 

She arrived yesterday, late in the evening.

 

 

Fridays at airports are generally frantic. Lots and lots of people coming back home or going away for weekends or holidays. It can be a nightmare to get a taxi. But her company already booked her a taxi and a nice Latino guy was standing at the arrival lobby carrying a slate with her name on it along with her company’s logo. It’s only when she stepped into the vehicle and that he started the engine that she realised it was real, she was back home. For a brief moment she felt relieved before a wave of panic submerged her. What if she fails at her new job? What if she cannot find her place within this new Polis she doesn’t know? What if she sees Clarke? What if she sees her husband, Finn? And their kids? What about her cousin, Anya? Should she contact her? Since Gustus died, 8 years ago, she was her only blood family left. She thought about it for quite some time at the beginning when she left but she suspected Clarke would try to reach her through Anya and anyway she felt too guilty and too much of a coward that she ended up doing nothing. But now that she is back in Polis, and that time has passed, maybe Anya wouldn’t reject her?

The entire ride to the city centre her mind was in overdrive.

Her company is also paying for a hotel room until she finds her own place. Officially they did not put a duration limit but the sooner the better. Anyway, Lexa doesn’t like hotels. She doesn’t mind them per se really, but she doesn’t relax well when she knows somebody is going to put their nose in her space the next day to clean up. She is not messy, oh no, but still she doesn’t like the feeling of being judged.

Today, it’s Saturday. Lexa woke up at 7am this morning which means that she slept only a few hours as she settled in her hotel room fairly late yesterday. There is nothing on her morning schedule but finding a place of her own so since 7.30am Lexa has been doing some research on the internet and has already noted down a few phone numbers to call. Now it is almost 9am so it should be reasonably late enough to start calling, she thinks.

_Ring ring ring..._

Alright so the first number doesn’t pick up. That’s okay, she’ll try again later. What about her second number on the list? Let’s give it a shot.

_Ring ring ring..._

Bad luck? Third number is the same story. It rings and... that’s it. It rings and nobody picks up the phone.

Wait a minute, is it really 9am or has she reset her wristwatch to the wrong time zone? After checking on the internet, there’s no doubt that it is indeed past 9am. Are all people sleeping then? Or ignoring their phone? Maybe she should try after 10am then....

Lexa could go to a letting agency, as most of them open at 9am but the prospect of visiting a flat at the same time as 10 other applicants is not appealing to her. She’d rather find a privately rent flat, to deal with the owner directly. Of course there is always the option of buying but it’s too soon for that. She doesn’t even know if she is going to stay. So Lexa doesn’t know what to do with her time. She decides to take a walk, to stretch her legs and to get reacquainted with a city she used to call her home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Polis is quite a large city with its 2 million inhabitants. When she left, 5 years ago, it was a 1.4 million people city. Now there are a lot of new industries, new businesses, new shops and restaurants, hell, even brand new neighbourhoods.

Before she moved to the city centre when she went to university, she used to live in the outskirt of Polis, New Polis. She went to school with Clarke there. Even her uncle Gustus lived there, though much closer to the outer outskirt of the agglomeration. So when she went to live with him and her cousin Anya, it did not require a school transfer, which was a blessing as she would have been even more devastated than she already was. Being separated from her best friend would have been tragic. And she wasn’t even in love with her back then. Or was she already? And years later she decided on a separation from the blonde from her own accord... How ironic.

Lexa’s mind is lost in her past when she realises that her feet led her to a specific bench near the lake of Victoria Park. This bench holds so many souvenirs for Lexa. And most, if not all, of them involve Clarke.

That’s on this bench that Lexa told Clarke during their first year of university that she was a lesbian. Clarke had simply answered “I know.” 4 months later Clarke had told her that she wanted to go out with Alicia a girl she had met at the library. Lexa had felt very conflicted. On one hand it meant that Clarke was potentially bisexual but on the other hand it meant that Clarke was not interested in her. She was interested in someone else. Lexa had been supportive though and said to her best friend “Go for it. She is attractive I suppose.” A month later this fling was off and Lexa felt relieved. It was also on this bench Clarke told Lexa that she had been dating Finn for a few weeks already. Lexa did not see that one coming. “Oh... Okay. Is it serious then?” The blonde didn’t seem sure at first but then she said: “I guess yeah. He told me he loved me.” Lexa wanted to ask if the feeling was mutual but Clarke beat her to it “I told him I loved him too.” _Wow, okay... is it my heart breaking into millions of pieces_ , thought Lexa. No it was not. Not yet. Then 3 years later Clarke would tell Lexa that she got engaged to Finn. But it was not on this bench, it was at the blonde’s flat, during a movie night. That’s when Lexa’s heart exploded into billions of tiny pieces.

Lexa sits on the bench and looks at the passersby, all unaware of the brunette’s memories attached to this place. There are also some nice memories too. Her favourite memory was when she told Clarke she had been hired by ARKADIA Engineering Services 2 months prior to graduation. Clarke was so proud of her best friend she climbed on the bench and yelled at everyone in the Park that her best friend was the best engineer in the world. Then she kissed her on the cheek. Lexa blushed furiously. “You’re so cute, Lex” said Clarke as she hugged her best friend.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At the same time, Clarke’s train has just arrived in Polis Central Station. The blonde is back from a week in TonDC. She was supposed to come back the day before, by plane, but missed it as a board meeting in Trikru's factory ran overtime. Indra proposed to drive her back home but Clarke suddenly felt uneasy, weird, she had a bad feeling. A premonition sort of. Like something big was about to happen but couldn’t determine if it was good or not. So she decided to extend her stay at her hotel and took the earliest train back to Polis this morning.

 

Now it is 10.19am and Clarke is about to exit the train station and walk to her favourite subway station, East Victoria Park Avenue. That’s where the B line is running. She could take the C line directly from Polis Central Station but she likes walking through Victoria Park. There, she usually gets a doughnut from Julia’s Fantastic Doughnuts. She’s known Julia since she moved to the city centre, back in her first year of university. Lexa used to go with her at the Park. The brunette wouldn’t pick a doughnut of course, deeming it was not good for her health but she would always come anyway.

Clarke arrives at Julia’s food truck. There are about 9 people in the line before her. Almost all male. There are only 2 women, about her age probably. Not that she can tell as she can only see their back. One has a long brown braid. Almost like Lexa used to braid her hair when she was going for a run. Now that she thinks of it, this stranger has pretty much the same kind of thin yet athletic body. And she wears the same kind of fancy brown ankle boots Lexa used to wear. Now she is examining this stranger with all her attention. Her mind is taking notes on similarities with her missing best friend. Soon it’s going to be the stranger’s turn to order a doughnut. She will hear her voice. Could it be it? The atmosphere is electric, Clarke’s stomach is clenching in anticipation of hearing the brunette’s voice. It could be it. It makes sense, Clarke thinks. They used to go there together...

“Hello! A strawberry jam doughnut, please.”

No. It most definitely is not Lexa. Clarke finally releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding. The next person in line, a guy places his order, then the next. And soon it is Clarke’s turn. And she is there, standing awkwardly staring in the direction the stranger-who-is-not-Lexa has left.

“Miss?” says the woman behind Clarke. “Miss, it’s your turn.”

Clarke snaps back to reality and it’s bitter. For a moment she thought...

“Hey Clarke. Earth calling to Clarke.”

“Oh hey Julia!”

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

She sure feels like it.

“Sorry. No. Rough week that’s all... A chocolate sprinkled doughnut please.”

“Not the usual sugar-powdered one?”

“No. I feel like trying something new.”

“Alright.”

Clarke gives her the change and walks a few steps away from the truck. She could go take her line now or she could go sit on her bench in the park. She thinks about it for a minute and decides to go back home. She wants to take a shower and get some sleep before going for a spin on her beast this afternoon. Little does she know that right now, Lexa is sitting on their bench, 200m away from here, on the phone with her future landlord.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At lunch time, Lexa visits what is going to be her future flat. It is great, though not conveniently located for her daily commute and the rent is not cheap. But it has a charm would be so much better than the hotel however nice hotelrooms may be.

She can move in a week from now as the owner has some plumbing work to get done during the week.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 3.45pm, Lexa is back in the city centre and on her way to Polis Founders Hospital. She has an appointment at 4pm with her new doctor, a certain Dr C. Forest.

 

Dr C. Forest happens to be a nice looking brunette, probably not much older than Lexa herself.

 

“Good day to you Mrs Alexandria Woods.”

“Good day Dr. Forest.”

“Please you can call me Costia. Dr. Forest makes me feel too old. And from what I read in your file, I’m only a couple of years older than you.”

Lexa nods.

“But even if I’m young, I can assure you that I am a properly qualified Doctor.”

“Okay.” Lexa doesn't judge a book by its cover.

“Dr. Ryder sent me your file a week ago. So I’ve got almost everything I need to take over.”

Lexa nods again.

“So, you’re a woman of few words I see?”

“No, it’s just... I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m quite the chatty type. I hope you don’t mind.” Costia has a warm bright smile.

“I don’t. Mind, I mean.”

“Okay, so, now that you’re one of my patients, I’ll ask you to do one thing for me.”

Lexa looks at her in the eye, waiting for further explanation.

“Are you going to ask me what it is?”

“I thought you were the one telling me.”

“Okay, okay,” Costia does not push it further and adds “you’re going to buy a notepad or a journal, whichever you prefer, and start writing every day. It’s going to be your Recovery Journal. I’m doing it with all my patients and it has very positive outcomes.”

Lexa doesn’t see how this is going to help her recover.

“You’ll write about how the day went, how you feel... It helps processing the sickness and its treatment. It helps you focus on the positive and most important of all to get it all out there. I don’t want you to internalize any discomfort. My colleagues prefer referring their patients to a support group. I’m not advocating against the benefits of talking to strangers and getting a mentor so if you prefer...”

“I prefer writing.”

“Okay, great. So Recovery Journal it will be. You are not obliged to bring it with you every time we meet. Though if you want to talk, feel free to openly speak to me. All patients are unique, some are shy and others are not...”

“I don’t know, we’ll see.”

“Sure, absolutely. So, you did a couple of exams before leaving Azgeda City and the results indicate that your leukaemia is at a very early stage. That is very good news but it doesn’t mean it’s all going to be a smooth ride. I want to be honest with you, it is going to be a rollercoaster type of ride. Some day you’ll feel great and others you’ll feel like the world is ending. And it will disorient you. That is perfectly normal...”

Costia keeps on talking about what is going to happen. Lexa listens and takes some mental notes. She is not naive, she knows it is going to be hard but she did not know about all the potential counter effects of the treatment. She did not dare google it, knowing full well that it could be overwhelming. Costia wants her to try chemotherapy first and then do a series of tests to see how it goes. Costia is very enthusiastic but at the same time she seems very realistic too. Lexa likes this attitude.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 5pm, her appointment at the hospital is over. She’ll see Costia Friday in 2 weeks for her first chemo. Then every 3 weeks to complete a round of 6 sessions. After that they’ll see how her body is responding to treatment and decide from there what is the best course of actions.

Lexa hasn’t told anyone about her condition and she knows that chemo will take a huge toll on her. She knows that the next day after each session, she would not be able to go to work and pretend everything is fine. That’s the reason why she asked for each chemo to be on a Friday afternoon. She can always explain why she takes certain Friday afternoons off, she thinks. And it gives her 2 days to recover before going back to the office on Monday morning.

Lexa doesn’t want to take the subway to walk back to her hotel. She likes walking. She stops at a little market at the corner of Founders Avenue and East Victoria Park Avenue. Though the shop is very small they got some stationary items. Lexa picks a plain black cover journal.

Then, as she exits the shop, she can see on the other side of the avenue a very familiar food truck. Julia’s Fantastic Doughnuts. Lexa has never eaten one of them. But Clarke used to. _It's my favourite comfort food,_ she used to say. And right now Lexa could use some comfort food.

“Hi! Can I get you anything?” asks Julia.

“Hi... errr... yes. I would like of these please,” Lexa points at a line of chocolate sprinkled doughnuts.

“Chocolate sprinkles?”

“Yes, please.”

Julia grabs a doughnut with her metallic clips and puts it in a paper bag. As she hands the bag to Lexa, she examines her customer’s face more carefully. It looks like she has seen this woman before. She certainly is not a regular though. But her face definitely looks familiar.

“Can I get my doughnut please.”

“Yeah sorry.” Julia snaps back to reality, takes Lexa’s note and is going to look for change when Lexa says “Keep the change.”

Lexa walks away with her doughnut thinking that Julia definitely has aged a bit since she last saw her, 5 years ago. But apparently she did not recognise her, which is understandable as she was not the regular customer. Clarke was. Or maybe she still is. Should she go back and ask Julia if she has some news about Clarke? No, that would be too weird. And maybe Clarke doesn’t come here anymore. Anyway, she probably has moved out of the city with her husband and kids.

Lexa is out of the view, when, finally, Julia remembers who her customer was. That’s Clarke’s friend. The weird one who was always there with her a few years ago but never bought anything. Then she never saw her again with Clarke. Maybe, they are not friends anymore. Life is funny that way, one day you’re best friend with somebody, thinking it’s for life and the next you barely acknowledge each other. Julia certainly has been a witness to thousands of stories like this. It’s life.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke drove aimlessly this afternoon. She just wanted to ride, to take her mind off things. But her head ended up reeling about this week in TonDC. It has been rough. The transfer has not started yet though it should have, a week ago already. But Indra, who’s becoming a friend in a way, tried to reassure the blonde.

“It’s not your fault. WEATHER Corp catapulted you into this mess without prior notice.”

“I know, but I can’t help thinking I could do more...”

“Listen, Miss Griffin...”

“Please call me Clarke.”

“You know I prefer calling you Miss Griffin.”

“I’m calling you Indra.”

“I don’t mind. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that Trikru has always done things differently than at WEATHER Corp. It’s only normal that when you did the nominal planning 3 weeks ago you could not make it accurately as you did not have a complete knowledge of how we operate. Now you know a bit more and you realize it’s going to be impossible to stick to the nominal plan. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean it’s broken. It means you’re learning and capitalizing on your lessons-learned.”

“Okay.”

“Listen, I don’t know you personally but from my limited experience with you, I can tell you’re a passionate young woman who’s drawn to do it all, fix everything for everyone. You’re selfless. That’s good but remember, this is only a job. It is not your life. You’ve got to take some perspective on that. Don’t let it ruin your moral.”

“Thanks Indra. I’ll think about it.”

Sure, Clarke knows she is no Wonderwoman. But it’s almost impossible for her not to care. She gives herself to the job a 100%. She doesn’t let one foot of the door. She’s all in.

As far as her love life is concerned, that’s another story. Since Finn, she only had uncommitted relationships, one after another. If you can call them relationships at all. It’s more like no strings attached sex. Maybe she should consider a real relationship. It’s been too long since she last had her mind and body fully committed to someone. Even with Finn, she was not totally in it. She kept her flat after their wedding and they lived separately, seeing each other at her flat or his. None of her friends commented on that but she had seen some of their looks when she told them they were not moving in together. It was a huge tell on the future of their marriage.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 7.15pm, Clarke rings Niylah’s bell from the front door.

“Yes?”

“It’s me. Can I come up?”

She doesn’t get a verbal answer but the door is released a second after.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Lexa is finally back and she almost got to see Clarke today. They were so close, barely 200m away from each other!!! It's so frustrating.
> 
> For your information, chapter 6's first draft is finished and should be ready for publishing on Thursday. Chapter 7's draft is being written as you read this.
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER'S TITLE: Who's your President Roslin?  
> If there are some BSG fans among you, you'll definitely smile at some mentions of the show. If not, don't worry, it won't affect your understanding of the next chapter.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	6. Who’s your President Roslin?

 

 

 

 

“That’s enough. Mr Pike, Mr Jaha, please come to my office after the meeting.”

The two men gulp at their boss’s authoritative tone.

“Now let’s move on to the final item on today’s agenda. Mr Brown, can we proceed please?”

“Certainly Miss Woods.”

 

 

 

Half an hour later, Charles Pike and Thelonius Jaha are both in Lexa’s office. And let me tell you, they are not even remotely relaxed about that.

“So, Mr Jaha, I get why you may be questioning my authority considering you were seeking my position yourself but you,” her piercing green eyes are staring at Charles “Mr Pike, are out of line with your behaviour. I may be young and a woman as well but don’t make the mistake to think that it makes me weak. I am more than capable of running this division. I have nothing to prove to you or your colleague here” she briefly looks at Thelonious before she adds “and my record speaks for itself. With that being said, I expect discipline and respect from my team. Not only for myself but also for each member of my team. No matter the rank.”

Lexa closely examines her subordinates. Both are looking tense but also defiant at the same time, in their own specific way.

“Mr Jaha, I will not tell you this twice: I am your superior and you will not discuss my decisions, especially during meetings. If you have questions, concerns, talk to my secretary and I’ll make sure to have some time for you. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Miss Woods.”

“You can shut the door behind you Mr Jaha. Thank you.”

Thelonious doesn’t need to be told twice. He leaves promptly. Charles is now on his own to face his boss. He lifts his chin even higher than before.

“Mr Pike... Mr Pike... I am disappointed. I’ve known you for 2 weeks now and I must say I was not expecting this. I dare to believe you know exactly what I am referring to.”

Charles doesn’t respond. He avoids Lexa’s eyes by standing straight and looking ahead of it, focusing on an imaginary point 100m from behind the wall.

“The sexual orientation of my collaborators is their own concern. Same goes for political opinions. They have nothing to do with our work environment. I will not tolerate your remarks within these walls. You have offended and disrespected my secretary. I understand that you meant it as a joke. Nonetheless, it is not acceptable. You will keep working for me until I find your replacement.”

Charles seems furious. He clenches his teeth.

“Now, at Monday’s Department meeting, you will address a formal apology to Mr Brown.”

Charles is now upset and mad that his apology will be witnessed by the whole department.

“It is non-negotiable. Now you may leave.”

Charles leaves and loudly shuts Lexa’s office door.

Lexa exhales a loud breath. She sits down at her desk and realises that her left hand is trembling. She is used to homophobic comments and that one was not directed to her but it still makes her blood boil with anger. She needs to calm down because this afternoon she goes to the hospital for her first chemo session.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 2pm, Lexa arrives at PFH and goes straight to the waiting room. She anxiously looks at the announcement board for her name to be written. She doesn’t have to wait for long as only 5 minutes later her name appears in bright red letters on the black background. Lexa stands up and goes to booth number 14. There, a nurse is waiting for her. Lexa is a bit surprised as she was expecting Dr. Forest but she guesses that she’s not performing the actual chemo herself. There are nurses for the job.

“Hello, my name is Nyko. I am your nurse today.”

“Hi. Am Lexa.”

“I was expecting an Alexandria.”

“That’s me. It’s just that everybody calls me Lexa.”

“Lexa it is then. So, has Dr. Forest explained to you how we are going to proceed today? I believe it is your first time.”

“Yes, Dr. Forest explained.”

“Ok. So, you’re going to sit there, try to find a comfortable position and then I’ll take care of the rest.”

Lexa nods. She removes her jacket and puts it on the coat rack by the door.

“Have you brought something to read?”

Lexa thinks about it and realises that she totally forgot Costia told her to bring a book.

“No, I forgot.”

“That’s alright, we’ve got some magazines and a few books. Might not be to your taste though.” Nyko points Lexa in the direction of the readable materials. Lexa considers a few of them before settling on a National Geographic magazine.

“Good choice,” comments the nurse.

Lexa nods approvingly.

“Ever been there?”

Lexa looks at him quizzically.

“The Himalayas I mean. On the cover. Of the magazine.”

“Oh right. No. Never. I don’t know if I’d like to go there. Too cold for me.”

“I’m with you on that.”

Lexa sits down and Nyko proceeds with the infusion.

“You’re all set now. I’ll come check on you every 15 minutes, okay?”

Lexa nods.

“Should you feel unwell, please use this button and a nurse will come right away, okay?”

“Yes, thank you...”

“Nyko.”

“Nyko.”

“It can be overwhelming the first time, so, don’t hesitate to talk to me.”

“I will.”

At that Nyko leaves and closes the door behind him.

 

Then not a minute later, the door opens again.

“I am doing fine you know...”

“I can see that.”

“Sorry Dr. Forest, I thought it was Nyko.”

“It’s Costia.”

 

Costia smiles at Lexa, a genuine smile. Lexa doesn’t know what to say.

 

“I usually try to see my patients for their first chemo.”

Lexa still doesn’t know what to say.

“You’re really not a talker.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude...”

“Don’t worry. It’s all new to you. That’s normal to be left speechless.”

“Frak, am sorry, it’s just...”

“Frak?” Costia tilts her head at Lexa.

“It comes from...”

“... Battlestar Galactica. I know. Are you a fan?”

Lexa feels suddenly more at ease.

“Yes, you can say that. I’m a huge fan actually.”

“Really? Am a fan too. What’s your favourite character?”

“Adama. The father, not the son.”

“Ah Commander Adama...”

“My friends actually used to call me The Commander after the series...”

“That’s... unusual. I mean I cannot imagine you with a moustache.”

“Please don’t talk to me about the moustache. That was a mistake. Fortunately he ended up shaving it pretty quickly.”

“Yeah, that was not a good look.”

Lexa chuckles at that.

“And... if you’re the Commander, who’s your President Roslin?” asks Costia.

Way to pinch the nerve. Lexa gulps.

When she watched the series for the second time, with her best friend, Clarke, who was reticent to watch it in the first place, got totally addicted after the pilot. Her favourite character was Roslin, right from the start. And it happened quite often that when out with their friends, if somebody called Lexa The Commander, Clarke would take Lexa’s hand in hers and proudly declare that she was President Roslin and that together they would rule the colonial fleet. But now Clarke is no longer by her side, taking her hand.

“I don’t have a President Roslin.”

Costia can sense the sadness in Lexa’s tone. She then realises that she asked about a character that died of cancer. How ironic could that be? Costia feels mortified.

“Sorry, I just realised I asked you about Roslin and did not think about her own medical condition...”

“That’s alright.”

“I should have thought this through before asking...”

“No, no. It’s okay. Really. I didn’t think of that either.”

The atmosphere is suddenly very tense in the tiny room. Nyko chooses this moment to come check on his patient.

“Oh Dr Forest, sorry, I didn’t know you were there. I can come back later...”

“That’s alright Nyko. I have an appointment in a few minutes anyway.”

Nyko nods and goes to check on the infusion setup. It’s all working properly. It’s awkward in the booth: Costia looks ashamed of herself, Lexa seems apologetic and Nyko would like to be somewhere else. It’s quite obvious to him that there is some tension in there but he will say nothing about it.

“Everything alright? No pain in the hand or the arm?”

“It stings a little but nothing I can’t manage.”

“You’ve got a tough one with this one Dr. Forest.” Nyko says to Costia, pointing at Lexa. It is supposed to lighten the mood.

“I can tell.”

“I’ll come back in 15 minutes,” declares Nyko as he leaves the booth for the second time.

Lexa looks at everything but her doctor and Costia looks at her feet. For a moment nothing happens.

“Right. So. I must go, I have an appointment with another patient.”

Lexa finally looks at her and nods.

“Nyko will take care of you. And I shall see you in 3 weeks.” Costia walks towards the door and remembers what she wanted to talk about in the first place. “I almost forgot, as we discussed 2 weeks ago, you may not feel well for the next 24 to 48 hours. It is normal. But if you have any concern or question, you can give me call on my mobile. My number is on the card I gave you the other day. Do you still have it?”

Lexa nods. “Yes.”

“Right. So. Yes, you can call me. Anytime. I usually pick up pretty quickly unless I am with a patient. In that case you can leave me a text and I’ll call you back...” Costia is rambling now.

Lexa lifts her eyebrows. What is happening?

“I should go now. Take care Lexa.” At that Costia hurries to get out of the booth.

What the frak was that? Costia feels mortified. Did she just lost her nerves and weirdly asked her patient to call her? Costia doesn’t know what is going on.

_Sure, Lexa is attractive. Very attractive if I may say so. But she is my patient. I don’t date patients. Get yourself together Costia._

Costia walks towards her office, sends a text and waits for her next patient to arrive.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey there! What’s up? I got your text but it was laconic to say the least.”

“Hey Abby. How are you doing?” asks Costia to her mentor.

“Am doing okay, thanks for asking. Marcus and I are going to the Opera tonight.” Abby proudly gestures at her black knee long dress that hugs her perfectly.

“Nice.”

“So, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Costia looks guilty like hell.

“Come on, talk to me. You look like you stole a kid's candy from his mouth.”

“It’s just... I think I just asked a patient out.”

“You did what?”

“Yeah I know it’s wrong.”

“How did that happen?”

“I don’t know, we were chatting while she was having her first chemo and Nyko came in and I had to meet with another patient and I sort of told her to give me a call after her chemo.”

“She’s got your number?”

“It’s on my business card.”

“That’s your professional landline. For professional use only.”

“I put my mobile on it too. You know, in case of emergency.”

“Right.”

Abby was Costia’s mentor during her residency. They bonded and Abby considers her like her professional daughter in a way. Abby has no issue with her sexual preference but she does not approve of being involved with a patient. This can only lead to heartbreak in her opinion. Abby can see that Costia doesn’t feel proud about what she’s done and frankly she doesn’t want to school her but she probably needs a friendly reminder on works ethics as far as patients are concerned.

“I don’t know your patient or how she looks like and honestly it doesn’t matter. As long as she is your patient you should not get personally or emotionally involved with her. I am saying that for your own sake.”

“I know Abby.”

Both women look at the parking lot, in silence. Then, “thank you Abby.”

Abby turns at her mentee and hugs her.

“You know you can always count on me. It’s good that you told me. Mistakes happen, that’s only human. I know you’re a good doctor and all your patients should feel proud to have you by their side in such a challenging period of their lives.”

Costia lets a few silent tears roll on her cheek.

Abby releases her embrace and dry Costia’s tears with her thumbs.

“Come on Costia, keep smiling that big bright smile of yours.”

Costia gives her a shy smile.

“Okay, that’ll do.”

There is honking coming from the parking lot. Abby looks in the direction of the sound and recognises Marcus’s car.

“That’s my ride.”

“Okay, enjoy the Opera. And thanks for the talk.”

“Anytime. Get some rest, you look tired. It will help you come back to your senses.”

“I will.”

 

 

Abby rushes to her suitor’s car and gets in. She is greeted with a kiss on the lips.

“Ready? Did you have a nice day?”

“Yeah, I only got appointments today. No surgery. What about you? Any luck on your job search?”

“Actually yes, I did get an alert from the job board’s site. It’s a deputy director permanent position for 12C.”

“12C?”

“Yeah, don’t ask me what it stands for, I don’t know, but I will look into it. You probably know them already, you know, the big electrical and chemical company that sponsors Polis’s soccer team...”

“I thought they were in the aerospace industry.”

“Well, actually they do pretty much everything. But this job is for the Recycling Division. The ad came up this afternoon.”

“Have you sent your resume yet?”

“Yeah and apparently they want to fill in the position very quickly as they already replied just half an hour. I meet with them on Monday.”

“Fingers crossed then,” smiles Abby.

“Yeah, but let’s talk about tonight’s programme. Have you already been to the Opera house since it reopened 2 years ago?”

“No. I believe they did some work on the acoustic?”

“Yeah and they redesigned the main stage as it kept on cracking.”

“That’s very unfortunate if the floor cracks.”

“Indeed it would be.”

Marcus and Abby are going to see _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ from Britten.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Clarke in this chapter, but don't worry she's back in the next, which will be published on Sunday (I won't have internet before then unfortunately).
> 
> Thanks again for all the kudos and comments guys, it means a lot.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	7. Dear Recovery Journal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope you all have a great weekend (and maybe even celebrating Halloween).
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 7 :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lexa’s first 24hours after chemo felt so bad she thought she was not going to survive the day. She could not sleep more than a few minutes at a time, had no hunger for any type of food and she kept feeling nauseous all day. _It is normal_ , she kept telling her. _It means my body is fighting the cancer. That’s a good sign._

Now it is chemo + 42 hours and finally she feels better. Not good but definitely better. At least good enough to start writing on her recovery journal. She opens the black journal at the first page and starts writing. It is her first entry. She wasn’t convinced that it would help but after the last 2 days she wants to write.

 

_August 3rd_

_Dear ~~Recovery~~ Journal,_

_~~I don’t know what to write.~~ _ _Okay, so, on Friday was my first chemo. It went okay at first. Just a bit painful on the back of my left hand where Nyko stuck the needle. Nyko is my nurse. He seems nice. Well, actually I don’t know if he is going to be my nurse next time but... He seems like a nice fellow. Friendly but not pushy._

_I forgot to bring a book. What a mistake! Next time I’ll bring my eReader. And also some music. Or maybe my tablet to watch a film. I have to bring something. I ~~read~~ tried to read National Geographic but I couldn’t focus. I ended up looking at the pictures and turning the pages._

_Dr. Forest came and I think she asked me out. I am not sure though. It was weird. She is attractive, that’s for sure but... I don’t know. I am not interested in a romantic relationship. And anyway she is my doctor. It’s complicated. I still think about her. I know she is happy, somewhere with her husband and her kids. I should move on. I should let her go. I should. I really should. Maybe I should give Dr. Forest a chance? I don’t know._

_I’m re-reading what I just wrote and realise I haven’t even talked about the absolute nightmare the last 2 days have been and that was the reason why I wanted to write in the first place. So, when I came back home, I puked right in the kitchen sink. I was feeling so weak... Then I managed to get to the couch and slept a bit. And then all night I alternated between vomiting and sleeping a bit. In the morning I wanted to take a shower as I was feeling dirty and sick. It actually felt good. Warm water. I felt asleep and hurt my elbow trying to prevent myself from falling. I should have taken a bath._

_Next time, I’ll take a bath._

_Then all day I wandered in the flat like a zombie. I couldn’t eat or sleep or watch the TV... nothing. I was just a zombie. I cried. A lot._

_I miss her. I wish she was there with me. Holding my hand. But she is married. I’m a fool to think that she would have ever chosen me. I didn’t even tell her anything. I’m a frakking idiot. ~~~~_

Lexa puts her pen down and goes to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. Since Friday, she cannot stop thinking about Clarke. Writing it down feels good somehow. Maybe she should do it more often then?

 

 

* * *

 

 

At the same time Clarke is waking up. She looks for her phone which indicates 10.25am. Clarke lets a long sigh before turning in the bed. It is not her bed. It is Niylah’s bed. Last night they slept together, again. But for the last 2 weeks it feels different and Clarke doesn’t know how to describe it. Maybe she should talk about it to Anya?

“Morning, beautiful.” Niylah says to her lover.

“Morning.”

Clarke considers the situation for a moment: she is naked in a beautiful woman’s bed, and not any woman, Niylah, the woman she’s been having casual sex with for the last 2 years. And she is pretty sure Niylah has romantic feelings for her. No matter how shitty Clarke behaves with her, she seems to always forgive her and take her back. Clearly _Niylah is too good for me_ , the conflicted blonde thinks. _I’m too messed up_.

“I have to go.” It is said without malice or animosity or regret. Just factually. She needs to go. She needs some alone time.

“Okay.” Niylah isn’t surprised but there is a tint of regret in her tone.

“Am sorry...”

“Don’t be.”

“Okay.” Clarke gets out of the bed, dresses up and leaves the flat.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sunday mornings, or late morning considering the time, are one of Clarke’s favourite times of the week. She always associated it with her dad preparing brunch for the family. It usually included a special guest, Lexa. Now of course her dad has long passed away and Lexa has been missing for the past 5 years but it still remains a special moment in Clarke’s memory.

It’s early August, but the weather is not too warm. It’s good enough for her to go for a ride. Then after that she’ll have a drink with Anya. She needs to talk to Anya.

She takes her mobile out of her jean’s left pocket and dials Anya’s number.

“Hey! What’s up blondie?”

“Wow, am impressed, you picked up pretty quickly.”

“Yep.”

“You haven’t gotten to bed yet, haven’t you?”

“Bingo.”

“Are you free tonight for some homemade Italian antipasti and pino grigio?”

“You know how to talk dirty to me blondie.”

“7 at my place.”

“Count me in.”

“Great. See you tonight then. Bye.”

“Catcha later. Bye.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s 8.45pm, Clarke and Anya have finished eating and are now sitting on the main couch in Clarke’s living room. Clarke has managed so far to talk about everything but the topic she wanted to discuss with her friend. But tomorrow she has to wake up early as she spends the week in TonDC, again, so if she really wants to discuss her personal crisis with Anya, she needs to make up her mind, grow a pair and do it as soon as possible.

“Okay, blondie, I’m gonna go now.”

“Anya, actually, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Anya thinks she knows what Clarke will say.

“I’ve been a dick.”

Anya looks at her quizzically.

“I mean, I’ve... oh God, where do I begin?... I... I don’t know if I should still wait for her.” No need for Clarke to explain who she is referring to, Anya already knows. “I’ve been sleeping with this girl, Niylah, for quite some time and... I never wanted more than sex. I didn’t want to commit to a relationship. I was waiting for Lexa. But she is not coming back, is she?”

“I don’t know.” Anya honestly has no idea. But she hopes her cousin will eventually come back and she hopes for everybody’s sake that it won’t be too late.

“Right. Yes. Of course you don’t know. Nobody knows. For all I know she may be on the other side of the world, sipping cocktails with a beautiful creature.”

“Do you really believe that?”

Clarke doesn’t want to think about that hypothesis. It makes her jealous.

“I don’t want to believe that, no. But I have no clue. Am in the dark.”

“Am in the dark too.”

“I know. It’s just... I don’t know... I hope she still loves me. I know she left because of me, getting married. I guessed that much. Nobody talks about it but am no fool, I know. I just didn’t realise I was in love with her until it was too late.”

“You two were blind. It was so obvious that you were in love with each other. Lexa has never been able to conceal her feelings for you. It was written all over her face and her body language... She was gravitating around you like a planet orbiting around her sun. You were her sun. You were more subtle, possibly because you didn’t know you were in love with her.”

“I make her leave.”

“No, you did not. She took that decision on her own. She didn’t tell anybody. It was a surprise for everybody.”

“I should have seen it coming.”

“You couldn’t. You had to focus on your wedding...”

“We kissed.”

“What? You never told me.”

“Yeah we kissed, a week before the wedding.”

“How did that happen? How...”

“It just happened. I didn’t realise what it meant until it was too late...”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I was feeling guilty. She left because of me. She left because I was too blind to see what was right in front of me. She left because I didn’t know I was in love with her. She left because she thought I didn’t love her the way she did. She left because of me.”

Clarke is now sobbing and her respiratory system is being tested.

“Did you tell her you didn’t love her when in fact...”

“No, I wanted to talk but she...”

“Oh my God, you’re as bad as she is in terms of communication.”

“Do you think she’ll come back?”

“I don’t know. I hope she will, yes.”

Clarke looks puzzled.

“Listen, Clarke, you’re my friend. What do you want me to say? That you should stop waiting and commit yourself to this Niylah? Would that clear your conscience? Because honestly I don’t know what to tell you. I’m convinced that wherever she is, Lexa still loves you and probably will until she dies. Does it mean that she’ll eventually come back to you? I don’t know. I hope so. A part of me believes that she’ll come back. But nothing forces you to wait for her. Nothing. You have no obligation...”

“I love her.”

“I know you do.”

Clarke doesn’t know what to think. She feels conflicted. On one hand she’s got Niylah who’s here, available and has feelings for her but doesn’t know if they can be more than casual sex partners and on the other hand, she loves Lexa but the brunette is God knows where and Clarke doesn’t know for certain if Lexa still loves her anyway (she hopes so).

“I use Niylah for sex, that’s it. I feel guilty about it.”

“Why? She knows the drill and accepts it, doesn’t she?”

“She deserves better.”

“So what do you want to do about it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Listen, Clarke, I cannot tell you what to do. It’s down to you and your conscience.”

“I know. I just wanted to talk...”

Anya hugs her friend. “I won’t despise you if you choose to give it a try with Niylah. You’re my friend. If that’s what you choose, then so be it.”

“Thanks Anya.”

“Just tell me if you still want me to stop by your flat next week?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay. Now I really need to go, I’m meeting with Julius at Grounders.”

“Thanks Anya.” Anya nods at her. “For everything,” carries on Clarke.

“Enjoy your week at Trikru.”

“Thanks.”

At that, Anya leaves Clarke’s flat.

_I really need to take a decision. I cannot let this go on even further._

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday, Lexa feels good enough to go to the office. She’s got a couple of applicants to interview in the morning for Mr Pike’s replacement. She looked at their resume while she was still getting her chemo on Friday afternoon. One of them particularly captured her interest. She hopes the interview will prove as good as the CV.

“Miss Woods, your 10 o’clock has arrived. Shall I send him to your office?”

“Yes, thank you Mr Brown.”

The man who enters her office next is probably in his mid 40s, which is not a surprise to Lexa as she guessed that much from the impressive experience on his resume.

“Good morning Mr Kane, My name is Lexa Woods and I am the Director of 12C’s Recycling Division,” says Lexa as she shakes Marcus’s hand.

“Good morning Mrs Woods. Marcus Kane, former deputy director of Trevor Technology Institute.”

“Please let us take a seat.”

Lexa motions to Marcus to seat on couple of chairs in front of desk. She wants to have an informal interview, to better judge Marcus’s character. If she were to seat at her desk and have him talk to her over it, it would create a distance and it usually leads to people playing a role, wanting to impress. Whereas if the talk is informal, people tend to be more open, truer to their own personality. That’s what Lexa believes and experience proved her right so far.

Marcus takes this gesture very positively and is impressed by the charisma and maturity that emanates from Lexa. Especially at such a young age.

They discuss Marcus’s resume, his motivations and what he would bring to the position. Half way through the interview Lexa already knows that she doesn’t need to see the other applicants to take her decision. Marcus will be her next deputy. But for now she promised a job interview to the other applicants so she is going to see them anyway.

“Thank you Mr Kane,” says Lexa as she stands up and shakes his hand goodbye. “We will keep you informed very shortly.”

“Thank you Mrs Woods.”

The next and final couple of interviews corroborate her nominal decision. She calls Marcus herself in the afternoon to propose him the job.

He accepts and will start the next day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

It’s now been 2 weeks since Marcus started working with Lexa and so far it seems to be a perfect match. But Lexa is cautious about things that appear to be working too well straight away. There is always a catch. So she asks for Marcus to spend a lot of time with her, to evaluate and test him.

In the last 2 weeks, Lexa has also been working on her new writing routine. She finds it relaxing. To put down on paper what she cannot say out loud.

_August 17 th_

_Dear Recovery Journal,_

_Yesterday I went to see the Samurai’s exhibition at the Polis City Museum. It was fascinating. I could really picture the Japanese warriors, proudly wearing their armour. It made me feel quite emotional actually. It must have been quite a sight. Then I went for a walk in the city centre and I stumbled upon Octavia.  Octavia Blake. The Octavia Blake. And she recognised me immediately. At first I thought she would not talk to me. She looked so uncomfortable. She hasn’t changed much. She managed to say hi and exchange usual formalities. She told me she was getting married to Lincoln in a couple of months. Of course she did not invite me. Why would she anyway? I must be a stranger to her now. After all, I left. I shouldn’t expect people to welcome me back with open arms. I don’t deserve it._

_We did not talk about Clarke. I didn’t dare asking her any question about her. But at the same time, I wanted to know how she’s doing. Just that. I don’t need to know about her husband. But I didn’t ask anything anyway. It was so awkward._

_I miss her._

_Marcus, my new deputy seems to adjust pretty great within the team. He seems very open-minded and has an interesting sense of fairness. He also takes valuable initiatives to enforce team spirit. I feel like I could count on him. Time will tell._

_I miss her so much._

_I should have asked Octavia about Clarke. I regret not asking. I don’t even know if I’ll have another opportunity to get some news. Or maybe it’s better that way..._

 

Lexa realises that she is sobbing as a tear falls on the page and lands on Clarke’s name. Lexa puts her pen down and dries her tears with the back of her hands. Lexa cannot afford to be weak like this. This cannot go on. She needs to be strong. She has a battle to fight. All her energy should be focused on that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After 2 weeks of debating with herself, Clarke has finally come to a decision concerning Niylah. The woman is lovely and definitely deserves a loving relationship with someone who loves her unconditionally. But Clarke is not going to be that person. She knows that if this carries on, she’ll always keep one foot out of the door. And if Lexa were to show up at her door right now, she would let go of Niylah instantly. It’s not fair for Niylah.

“I love someone else,” apologies Clarke.

“I can tell.” Niylah is not surprised. She always suspected it. Why Clarke would never say her name when having sex... Why she never went to her flat, why they never discussed a potential for more than just sex. Though in the last few weeks, she thought they had made some progress... “Is it him?”

“Him?”

“Your ex-husband?”

“Oh no. Not him. It’s a she.”

“Oh...”

“I’m sorry.”

“I understand. No need to be sorry.”

“It’s messed up. I am in love with her and she doesn’t even know.”

“You should tell her.”

“I want to. The problem is I don’t know where she is.”

Niylah looks at Clarke quizzically.

“She left when I got married. I didn’t know back then that I was in love with her.”

“Maybe she’ll come back.”

“I hope so.”

Niylah doesn’t know what to say. It’s not concerning her anymore...

“Have you looked for her? Maybe she’s closer than you think.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only could Clarke realise how close Lexa is... argh it's frustrating!!!  
> And poor Lexa...
> 
> Next chapter should arrive tomorrow, I'm finishing it today. In the meantime I wish you all a great Sunday wherever you are in the world and take care of yourselves!
> 
> Tumblr: http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	8. Second chemo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised here is chapter 8. 
> 
> Enjoy and if you've got black cats please keep them inside today, it's important. Okay, that had nothing to do with the story but I wanted to mention it. Happy Halloween to you all.

 

 

 

 

 

“Miss Woods?”

“Yes Marcus? And call me Lexa please.”

“Nia Queen’s secretary from WEATHER Corp called this morning. She told me you cancelled Friday’s meeting.”

“I have an imperative that I cannot reschedule.”

“I could go for you...”

“I’d rather not. Don’t take it personally Marcus. I know Nia from my previous job at ARKADIA Engineering Services. She is... difficult to deal with.”

Marcus doesn’t deny that he is a bit upset but he understands that Lexa probably knows best.

“I understand.”

“Good. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Diana Sydney, an old friend of mine is coming into town this weekend and I think you’d like to meet her.”

“Diana Sydney, like the director from INFINITY Space Transportation?”

“The one and only.”

“I didn’t know you were friends.”

“We studied together at university.”

“I’d like to meet her but unfortunately this weekend is not a good time for me.”

“Even Sunday for lunch?”

Lexa thinks about it. It would be less than 48h after her second chemo session. Last time she was barely starting to feel better by then but it was the first time. Surely now her body knows what to expect. It should go better this time. “I guess I could make it.”

“Great. Do you know Pascal’s in Floukru’s neighbourhood?”

“No.”

“I’ll send you the address by mail. It’s a nice little French restaurant.”

“I trust you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“O, what’s wrong?”

Octavia is lost in her thoughts. Since Saturday she cannot stop thinking about Lexa. At first it was like she’d seen a ghost then all at once she felt shame and guilt. For not preventing Lexa to leave 5 years ago because in all honesty she knew she would. And then tell nothing to Clarke. For 5 years. Because she knew Clarke was in love with Lexa too. She saw them kissing during the blonde’s hen’s party. She witnessed the love and sadness emanating from both Clarke and Lexa when they kissed while they thought nobody was watching. Octavia didn’t know if it was the first time both girls kissed but when she read Lexa’s letter a week later she guessed it was a one-time thing. And she said nothing. Nobody knows about the letter but Lexa and herself. Not that it would change anything now...

“O, talk to me,” insists Lincoln.

Octavia doesn’t know how to describe what she saw in Lexa’s eyes on Saturday but she was pretty sure there was angst. She bets Lexa wanted to ask news about Clarke but didn’t dare to do so. Octavia hesitated to discuss that specific topic. Talking about Lexa to Clarke was like walking into a mined no-man’s land. One misplaced foot and boom. That’s one of the reasons Octavia moved out of Clarke’s flat. She couldn’t bare the tension anymore. And she was pretty Clarke wasn’t even aware of it. By now Clarke has probably guessed that’s why her friends became more distant with her. They didn’t know how to be around her. Now of course time has passed and everyone is somehow settled, with a job and all are in a relatively steady relationship. So naturally they see each other less often. She guessed it would be pretty similar with Lexa. Walking in unchartered territories... Talking about Clarke would be too risky. Or maybe not. Lexa has always been more rational than the blonde. Even if it was not favourable to her, Lexa has always been quite fair and accept situations if they prove reasonable and profitable to the majority. And now that she thinks about it more and more, she is beginning to see the situation in a different angle. Lexa would have been happy, or at least relieved, to know that Clarke was no longer married but it would have crushed her to know that Clarke was having a regular go-to sex partner and that this person is a woman. Octavia doesn’t know. She is lost...

“O?”

Octavia looks at her fiancé. She can tell him everything but weirdly she never talked to him about Clarke and Lexa. Maybe he can help her.

“I saw Lexa on Saturday.”

“Lexa, Lexa?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh...”

“Should I tell Clarke?”

Lincoln knows that Clarke and Lexa were best friends and maybe a bit more but he doesn’t know the specifics. He also knows that something happened between his fiancé and Clarke for them to fall out as they did. And he always suspected that it had to do with Lexa. The last thing he wants to do is to be involved in this messed-up situation.

“I don’t know, honey. What do you think?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to Clarke for a while. I mean, really talk.”

“Maybe you should start there, then.”

“Yeah maybe...” Octavia thinks about it. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea...”

Lincoln doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to upset anyone.

“Argh gosh, I don’t know what to do,” moans Octavia.

“I can give you a massage, would that help?” Lincoln tentatively smiles at his fiancé to try to lighten the mood.

“Thanks babe, you’re the best,” purrs Octavia as Lincoln starts relaxing her shoulders’ muscles.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _August 22 nd_
> 
> _Dear Recovery Journal,_
> 
> _I’m back from my second chemo. So far I feel okay. Not great but definitely better than last time._

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

>  
> 
>  
> 
> _August 23 rd_
> 
> _Dear Recovery Journal,_
> 
> _I feel so weak. I thought it would be easier this time and it’s not. It’s as bad as the first session, if not worse. I wish she was here. She would... I don’t know. Just being here would help me. But... I should have asked Octavia. What an idiot I am... I should go see Anya. She would know about Clarke... I just want to see her once. Even if it’s from afar, I don’t care. Even if she’s with her husband and kids. I just want to see her face. Just once..._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The next day, Lexa wakes up feeling a bit better. Not great but definitely better. After her shower, she even feels good enough to dress-up for brunch with Marcus and Diana Sydney. She books a taxi from her mobile.

Lunch is going relatively great, Lexa thinks, though Marcus seems to observe her more attentively than ever. Is he suspecting anything? Lexa feels certain that her usual stoic mask did the trick but maybe not. Lexa needs some time to clear her head and goes to the restroom to freshen up while they are waiting for dessert.

“Are you taking chemotherapy?”

Lexa’s snaps at the person who just entered the restroom. It is Diana Sydney.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

“How would you know?”

“I had breast cancer 4 years ago and went that same route as you. I recognise the chemo effects.”

Lexa nods slowly. She really thought it wouldn’t be noticeable.

“Which type?”

Lexa looks at Diana quizzically.

“I mean which type of cancer?”

“Oh... Leukaemia.”

“I hear that now full remission success rate is very promising.”

“That’s what they tell me...”

“Do you have a support group around you to help you...?”

Lexa doesn’t. She’s on her own. Though she could have, if not Clarke, at least Anya. She should really consider reaching out to her. She makes a mental note to do something about it, and not bail out almost instantly as she’s done since she arrived back in Polis.

“... so you don’t then? Do you have any family here in Polis?”

“Errr.... yes. A cousin.”

“Are you too close?”

“We were.”

“Maybe you should reach out to her.”

Lexa knows she is being an idiot. She should contact Anya.

“Do it. You won’t regret it.”

Lexa considers this statement for a moment before nodding.

“And don’t worry, I won’t tell Marcus.”

“Thank you.”

“No worries, though I assume you haven’t told your employer either?”

Lexa is amazed by Diana’s perspicacity. It’s like she is reading her like an open book. She hopes it’s because Diana is extraordinarily observant rather than her being easily readable to strangers.

“You should tell your employer, sooner rather than later...”

“I will.” Lexa knows this. She must tell her employer. She has a moral obligation to do so. It is so unlike her to hide something that could potentially damage the quality of her job. For a brief instant, Lexa thinks that she does not recognise herself. It’s like this whole situation is transforming her into a stranger. And she does not like it. Not a tiny bit.

“Let’s go back to the table before Marcus sends someone for a rescue mission. Shall we?”

“Yes, of course.”

Lexa feels uncomfortable for the rest of lunch, observing Diana more closely than before.

When Lexa is back at her flat, she takes a couple of decisions:

  1. _She will tell her employer about her medical condition tomorrow._
  2. _She will look for Anya starting tomorrow._



But for now she needs some rest. Lunch has tired her more than she expected and she needs to look normal for work tomorrow.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On the other side of town, Clarke is loading her mother’s car with paintings she did when she was younger. Most of them she painted during her first 2 years of university. Back then, even if the work load was almost unbearable she always found time to do her artwork. Lexa had a huge part in this. She always made sure her blonde best friend would relax and she knew painting was therapeutic for Clarke. And she quite enjoyed watching the blonde concentrate in front of her blank canvas. She was always amazed by what Clarke ended up painting. She always told Clarke she was an extraordinary artist. Clarke always dismissed the compliment though. Was it modesty? Clarke thinks unconsciously she already knew Lexa meant something else and at that time she was too oblivious to her own feelings that it was easier to simply dismiss any emotional manifestation from Lexa. She regrets it.

“Fox owns an art gallery now? I didn’t know she was even interested in art.”

“Yeah mum, I know, it’s crazy. But anyway it’s a good thing for me.”

“When is the exhibition?”

“In 2 weeks. Opening night on Thursday.”

“Can I come?”

“Mum!!!”

“What?”

“Of course, you’re invited.”

Abby smiles at her daughter. Clarke widely grins back at her.

“Come here daughter of mine.” Abby gestures to her daughter to come for a bear hug.

Abby knows this exhibition means a lot to Clarke. Her last exhibition, she was still a student, it was at a local gallery in their neighbourhood, nothing fancy but it was a big deal for Clarke. Her father told all his colleagues to come and it had been a huge success, she sold almost all her paintings. Clarke complained to her father that he shouldn’t have convinced his colleagues to buy her paintings. He swore it was not his doing. But Clarke knew better. Not that her paintings were not worth buying but they were not Picasso.

Jake will not be at Clarke’s new exhibition. He will not bring with him a crowd of potential buyers. It will just be herself and her daughter. Of course there will be Clarke’s friends as well. And then, the other “thing”... Lexa won’t be here. Lexa had convinced her in the first place to do the exhibition back when they were both students. Abby knows better than to bring up this topic to her daughter. She witnessed enough of the heartbreak Lexa’s departure caused on her daughter...

“Mum?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to find Lexa.”

Bam. So much for not bringing up the topic of the best friend.

“Are you sure? I mean, is it because of the exhibition? Or...”

“I need to know where she is, if she’s okay...”

“Okay. How will you proceed?”

“I don’t know where to start. I was considering hiring a private detective...”

“What if she’s not in the States?”

“I don’t know.”

“And what if she is? What will you do if you find her?”

“I just want to know how she is doing, if she’s okay. And then maybe... if she wants to talk, then we can talk.” Both women fall silent for a moment. “We need to talk. We really need to talk. I’ve got so much I want, no, need to tell her...” Clarke starts getting teary eyes. Abby immediately takes her daughter in her arms.

“Shhhh honey... I know.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday, Lexa calls her manager and arranges for a meeting by the end of the week. She doesn’t want to do this on the phone. She’d rather tell her boss face to face. She’s quite lucky she won’t have to wait for long as her superior will fly to the States on Wednesday and visit Polis’s offices on Thursday.

Now that her first task is on-going, she needs to start looking for Anya. Really do it. But today she doesn’t feel strong enough to do it. Another bail out... Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow she’ll do it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s almost lunch time and Anya just woke up. She is naked and this is definitely not her bed. She spent the night at Raven’s. Yesterday’s evening they randomly bumped into each other at Grounders and by the end of the night, they were heavily making out in the bathroom.

Raven has already left for work, which means she is downstairs in the garage. _It’s quite convenient that she lives above her work place,_ thinks Anya.

The tall dark blonde makes her way to the bathroom and sees a post-it note on the mirror. It simply says:

_Yesterday was fun. Let me know if you want another go at it. Rae_

_It sure was fun_ , thinks Anya. _And I always quite liked Raven. Maybe she’s what I need?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be ready for Wednesday. In the meantime I wish you all a great start of the week.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	9. Monty’s pictures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Didn't think I would make it for today but here it is, chapter 9.
> 
> Things are getting tense!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This week, Clarke is in Polis, but the week after she’ll be in TonDC. That’s why she scheduled her meeting with Detective Puget this week.

She found Detective Puget while reading her local online newspaper. There was a picture of him with the ad and that’s probably what convinced Clarke to take him rather than another of him colleagues. He looks genuinely friendly but serious at the same time. He emanates a trusting vibe that immediately resonated in Clarke. The fact that he was mid-forties and probably had extensive experience, and an announced 95% satisfaction rate, played a bit too but it was mostly his facial expression and attitude in the picture that sold it for Clarke.

On the phone, his secretary gave a few instructions for Clarke to prepare before meeting Detective Puget on Friday. Among the instructions, there was one which led Clarke to this very moment, now. On a Tuesday evening, at 8pm.

Clarke is angry and sad and disappointed and she wants to smash something.

Lexa is there. It’s definitely her. In the shadow. And she only sees it now. And the worst thing is that at least 2 other persons seem to know Lexa is there. Lexa is looking at her. She looks so sad.

Her laptop may end up severely damaged if she doesn’t calm down soon.

Lexa is there. She really is. It is not obvious at first look but she definitely is there. How could she have missed it until now? And how did Octavia never said anything? She seems to know what’s going on in the picture. That’s how it looks like. Did she know that Lexa would leave her? And what about Maya? She seems to know that something is about to happen.

Monty probably didn’t see it when he took the picture but he most likely saw it when he extracted the pictures from his camera. Or maybe he didn’t. Somehow she’s not mad at Monty. But she sure as hell is mad at Octavia. As far as Maya is concerned, Clarke feels mainly disappointed. Maya and Clarke are friends, but it’s different from her relationship with Octavia. They always had sort of a no nonsense kind of friendship, telling each other things bluntly, no beating around the bushes.

She decides to call Maya.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Hey Clarke! How are you doing?”

“Hi.”

Then there is a pregnant silence when nobody talks. Finally Clarke breaks.

“You knew.” It’s not an accusation. It’s factual. Maya can sense it. She isn’t 100% sure what the blonde is talking about though.

“What are you talking about?” asks Maya.

“Lexa.”

Okay, now there’s no doubt in her mind. She is probably referring to the wedding pictures. She has seen them and she knows which pictures the blonde is referring to.

“I didn’t exactly know she was going to leave but I knew something was going to happen.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“On the day? It was your weddi-“

“She was looking at me and... you and Octavia were looking at her. You knew.”

“I didn’t know. I...”

“But Octavia knew.” That sounds like an accusation.

“Listen, Clarke, I truly didn’t know she was going to disappear for good...”

“You left me there, waiting for her with my fucking cocktails. You left me there. I waited... and...”

“Clarke, I didn’t know.”

“But Octavia knew.”

Maya doesn’t know that for sure but she always suspected Octavia knew more than she let them to believe.

“Does she know where she went? Where she is?”

“I don’t know.”

Clarke believes Maya but it doesn’t change the fact that Clarke is pissed.

“I believe you.”

“Good. Maybe you should call Octavia...”

“No shit.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Octavia is unreachable. Clarke doesn’t leave a message. She wants to confront Octavia face to face. She decides to drive to her and Lincoln’s place.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

“Dr Griffin?”

“Yes?”

“Sorry to disturb you at home. We just admitted your daughter, Clarke Griffin in the ER...”

“What?” Abby is shaking.

“She has been in a road accident...”

Clarke and her damn motorcycle. Abby knew this would arrive someday. But now is not the time to panic.

“How serious is it?”

“I don’t know. You should come.”

“Of course, am on my way,” says Abby as she grabs her car keys and leaves the house.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_August 25th_

_Dear Recovery Journal,_

_Today I was going to go to Anya’s old place but I felt weird. I can’t explain it. I suddenly felt cold. I will go tomorrow, I promise. I hope she’ll still be there and not too mad at me, though I deserve her anger... Will she know where Clarke is? How she is? If she’s happy? I don’t know if I should ask her right away..._

_Marcus is doing a great job. Maybe I could give him the lead for the negotiations with WEATHER Corp... I just don’t know if he’s prepared for Nia._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Anya is in the waiting room of the ER at PFH when Abby arrives. She immediately recognises Lexa’s cousin and goes to her. She suspects she is here for Clarke.

“I suppose you’re here for my daughter, aren’t you?”

“She texted me to come pick her up.”

“So she’s good enough to text you but not her mom... I suppose she was driving her damn motorcycle?”

Anya knows Abby doesn’t like Clarke’s motorcycle. She doesn’t want to fuel that fire so she remains silent.

“I see...”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“I was not driving like a maniac, mom.”

“It’s that damn motorcycle.”

“No mom, it’s not. I slipped on an oil puddle... It has nothing to do with my bike.”

“You wouldn’t be there if you were driving a car.”

“It’s nothing, just scratches.”

“And a sprain ankle.”

“And a sprain wrist.”

“Okay mom. I get it, you don’t like my bike. It scares you. That’s why I didn’t call you.”

“What were you doing driving at such a late hour?”

“Mom, I don’t want to talk about it. Not now.” Clarke’s tone doesn’t let any room to interpretation. Abby recognises it. She knows her daughter is stubborn.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Back at Clarke's flat...

 

“Anya, am going to ask you this once and I swear to God if you so much...”

“Breathe Clarke. Just ask me the damn question.”

“Did you know Lexa would leave me?”

Anya laughs nervously.

“Are you serious Clarke? Are you seriously asking me this?”

Clarke has teary eyes, she feels too overwhelmed.

“Who do you think I am?”

“I just... I... I don’t know... am losing it... Octavia knew. I know she knows and that bitch didn’t tell me anything...”

“What are you talking about?”

Clarke explains everything, from the detective to looking for the latest picture she has of Lexa and how she ended up scrutinizing the pictures Monty took at her wedding. Of course she had looked at the pictures before but not the first few months after the wedding and she never spent too much on them all at once. Then she decided to put the whole folder on her external hard drive and did not have a look at it for years.

“You hired a detective?”

“Not yet. I am meeting him on Friday.”

“Don’t play smart with me. You’re hiring a fucking detective to look for Lexa. And you didn’t tell me. You are not the only one who misses her.”

“I was going to tell you. And I know you miss her too.”

“A fucking detective...”

“I don’t know what else to do...”

“You should have talked to me.”

“Am telling you now.”

Anya knows that Clarke didn’t mean to hurt her feelings but she cannot help feeling upset.

“Clarke, I am sorry but I won’t come to your flat next week.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll drop your spare keys tomorrow.”

Clarke silently sobs as Anya leaves the flat. She knows she messed up.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Wednesday late afternoon, right after work, Lexa summons all her courage and goes to Anya’s old place. In the subway she rehearses her speech in case she sees her cousin. When she exits the station, her feet move at a considerably slower pace than usual.

She finally makes it to Anya’s old building. It hasn’t changed much since she last came 5 years ago. She walks into the lobby towards the mailboxes and looks for the familiar second to the left mailbox. The tag is the same. It says _Anya Woods_. So she still lives there. What shall Lexa do?

Lexa debates with herself for a solid half an hour before reaching a decision. She takes the stairs that will lead her to the second floor, to Anya’s floor.

Another 5 minutes passes before she finds the courage to knock on the door.

Nothing happens.

She knocks again.

Nothing.

Of course, Anya must be at work by now. It’s past 6.30pm and her shift usually starts round 7pm. Lexa feels relieved that she did not see her cousin after all. She wasn’t prepared anyway. This weekend she’ll drop by sooner and this time she’ll be prepared. Speech and all.

“Lexa?”

Lexa hears her cousin before seeing her. She slowly turns around.

Anya doesn’t know how to react. Lexa is here, in front of her. After disappearing for 5 years. She has thought about this moment countless time, imagined so many different scenarios. But now she is speechless. The timing couldn’t be worse. Of better. She doesn’t know.

“Anya.” Lexa acknowledges.

“Can you come inside for a moment please?” tentatively asks Anya.

Lexa nods.

Once inside, it’s awkward and tensed. Lexa doesn’t dare looking at Anya in the eye and Anya seems restless. She keeps on fidgeting with her hands.

“Are you...” “Anya, I...” They both speak at the same time.

“Sorry, after you An.”

Anya quickly smiles at the nickname before speaking again. “Are you back?”

Lexa wants to tell her yes but she doesn’t know herself if this is going to be a permanent move to Polis or just temporary. It depends on Clarke. It always depends on Clarke.

“I don’t know.”

“How long have you been back in Polis?”

“A little over 2 months.”

“2 months,” repeats Anya. _And you only came today?_

“I didn’t know... how to do _this_...”

“Are you happy?” Lexa doesn’t look particularly happy to Anya.

“I’m surviving.”

 “Still overly dramatic, I see,” smiles Anya,

“I have leukaemia.”

There, the cat is out of the bag. Anya is shocked. It freezes her for a moment. Then she walks towards her cousin and take her in her arms.

“I am doing chemotherapy. They say it has a good remission percentage.”

Anya hugs her cousin tighter.

“I am not dying... yet.”

“I know you’re not. You’re a fighter. You’ll beat the crap out of this cancer.” Anya tries to cheer them both up, but mainly cheering herself up as she feels her own tears blurring her vision.

They hug for what feels like a long time before Lexa asks “how is Clarke?”

Anya knows this was coming. At some point Lexa would have asked about her blonde best friend.

Anya breaks their embrace and gestures for Lexa to sit down on the sofa.

Lexa holds her breath.

“Clarke and Finn are divorced.”

Lexa feels a wave of relief then immediately scolds herself for rejoicing at her best friend’s unsuccessful marriage.

“I am sorry for her. I hope the kids are not too impacted.”

“Whose kids are you talking about?”

“Clarke’s.”

“Clarke doesn’t have any children.”

Lexa closes her eyes for a brief moment. Anya can see Lexa relaxing. _So, she thought Clarke was having the perfect dreamy family life?_

“That’s good. I mean, that’s good that no kids are involved. It could have made the situation a lot worse.”

“Who said it was bad?”

Lexa tilts her head at Anya.

“They didn’t stay married long. They both agreed to part in good terms. Clarke didn’t lie. She told him she was in love with someone else.”

 _Oh, so there is someone else in Clarke’s life_... Lexa is having trouble swallowing her own saliva. There is a ball of nerves, sadness and hurt in her throat. Lexa knows she shouldn’t have been so naive. Of course Clarke had somebody else in her life. And she is happy with that person. She deserves to be happy. Lexa forces a smile.

“I hope she is happy with that person.”

Anya frowns at her. “Are you dumb or what? She is in love with you.”

Lexa cannot believe the words that are coming out of her cousin’s mouth. She must be dreaming or hallucinating. Could it be a late effect of her chemo session?

“Lexa, she loves you.”

“No, that’s not possible...”

“Yes it is. She always was in love with you. She didn’t know at the time.”

“And she still...”

“Yes she does.”

“But I left...”

“You did some damage, that’s for sure. But she still loves you.”

Lexa is speechless. She was not expecting that.

“How can you be sure?”

“She hasn’t been able to commit to any of her relationships” Lexa’s heart clenches in her throat at the idea that Clarke has had other relationships and more than one “and she has hired a detective to find you.”

“A detective?”

“Yep, a fucking detective.”

“He may not be very good if he hasn’t found me yet.”

“Actually it’s not done yet. She is hiring him this Friday.”

Lexa doesn’t want to reappear in Clarke’s life because a detective has found her. She wants to do it on her terms.

“I’d rather not be found by a detective... Can you dissuade her?”

“I don’t know. I mean, blondie and I are not exactly in good terms right now.”

“Have you two...?” Lexa doesn’t dare imagining her cousin in a relationship with Clarke. It would kill her, she thinks.

“God no! She’s not my type. Plus, am kind of seeing someone at the moment.”

Lexa feels relieved.

Then Anya’s phone rings loudly in the dark blonde’s flat.

“Sorry, I’ve got to take this.” Anya quickly glances at the clock on her wall and realises it is past 7pm. She should be at Grounders, starting her shift.

“Shit,” she curses herself.

“Hi, Roan. Yeah... no, I know, I’ve seen the clock... I... actually I am not feeling well... Yeah I think I’ve caught something... yeah my throat is sore... yes it is possible to fall sick in August... I’m sure a good night rest will help me recover quickly.... yeah, tomorrow I’ll be there... Thanks Roan.”

Anya hangs up and comes back to the sofa where Lexa is still sitting, reeling about what to do about Clarke.

“Are you seeing someone?” Anya asks.

Lexa doesn’t need to verbalize her answer; a single look tells Anya the answer she needs.

“You still love her, of course.”

“What do I do?” asks Lexa.

That’s the real question here. She cannot reappear in Clarke’s life just like that. And she surely can’t let that detective found her. What if Clarke isn’t ready to have her back in her life? Can they move on from 5 years of separation? How will they heal? Can they recover from this?

Both cousins fall silent. There is no easy answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like this chapter?
> 
> Chapter 10 is not written yet, only very very partially, so publishing will not be until Friday am afraid...


	10. Detective Puget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter but very intense for Clarke (a real roller-coaster).

 

 

 

Clarke’s week is really shitty. On Tuesday she had a bike accident, ended up arguing with both her mom and Anya. The next day, Anya gave her spare keys back which means that nobody will come to her flat next week while she’s in TonDC. So if Lexa were to show up, she would think Clarke no longer lived here. And that stresses Clarke. Then on Thursday, she has a progress meeting with her boss regarding the transfer. And it does not go well. She is being told off by Dante Wallace himself. Next week, she’ll have to fire some people at TonDC. And she’ll have to choose the persons she is going to force to go home unemployed. It’s all part of the learning process, they say. A good manager must be able to take such decisions without flinching. It’s part of the job.

And Octavia is not answering her fucking phone.

Today is Friday. She has her meeting with Detective Puget. She brought pictures of Lexa as he asked her. She really hopes this will prove fruitful. She really needs to know where Lexa is. Her life is going to hell at the moment and she needs her best friend back.

“So Miss Griffin, who is the person you are looking for?”

“Lexa... I mean Alexandria Woods.”

Detective Puget writes on his notepad.

“She is my best friend.”

“So you lost your best friend?”

“She left. 5 years ago.”

“Why are you looking for her now, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I need her... My life is going to hell... I need her... I love her.”

“So it’s a matter of the heart, then?” smiles the detective.

“Yes.”

“Have you brought pictures like I asked you too?”

Clarke hands her USB stick. “I resized the last pictures I had of her so that it’s only her on the photos.”

“Let’s have a look.”

Detective Puget opens the pictures. As he is looking at his computer screen, he carries on his interview. “Do you know her date of birth? Place of birth? Social number?”

“Yeah. I mean I haven’t got her social number but I’ve got the rest. It’s here.” Clarke hands a sheet of paper indicating all information Detective Puget’s secretary asked her to gather.

“Have you looked for her on the internet? Social media?”

“She’s never been keen on social media and when she left she cancelled her Facebook account.”

“And a random Google search?”

 “I had a look. I didn’t find her. I mean I found a potential trail, same kind of job, an A. Woods working at 12C but it’s in England. No age and no photo.”

“Okay we’ll start there then.”

“When can you find her?”

“Only time will tell but I’ll definitely give you a call if I get something interesting.”

“Wait a minute, no regular updates?”

“Well, I can give you a call once a week if you want but I can’t guarantee there’ll be much new from one week to the next.”

“You will find her, won’t you?” Clarke sounds distressed.

“Miss, I cannot guarantee that. There’s a chance she may be...”

“You will find her. I need you to find her.”

“Right... I’ll do my best.”

“I need her.” Clarke lets a tear escape.

Detective Puget hands the tissue box to his customer. Clarke takes one and dries her tears.

“Sorry...”

“No need to apologies Miss. I understand that it is important to you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

As Clarke exits the detective’s building, she gets a text from Octavia. They will meet tomorrow.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Octavia wants to meet Clarke on neutral ground so they meet at a small coffee shop that recently opened near Victoria Park. Clarke or Octavia or any of their friends have any history there.

When Clarke arrives in the coffee shop, Octavia is already there, a giant glass of iced coffee in front of her. The atmosphere gets immediately tense. Clarke doesn’t order anything. She just sits down in front of Octavia.

“You knew Lexa would leave. I know you did.”

There is no reason to lie.

“Yes.”

Clarke is a bit taken aback. She wasn’t expecting such a quick admission.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was your wedding day... I did what I could to make sure she would at least be there on the day.”

“What do you mean?”

Octavia hesitates. Should she tell Clarke about the letter?

“Lexa wanted to leave before the ceremony. I stopped her.”

“How did you know that? What...?”

“Lexa left a letter for you.”

“What? What letter? What are you talking about?”

“When I woke up I saw it, in the kitchen...”

“Where is the letter? Give me the letter. Now!”

“I don’t have it.”

“Where is it? Where is the fucking letter?”

“I don’t have it. Lexa took it back.”

“Did you...”

“Yes... I read it. I know I shouldn’t have but...”

“What did it say?” Clarke is pissed that Octavia read a letter that was addressed to her.

“I don’t remember exactly...”

“Cut the crap Octavia. Tell me what the fucking letter said.”

“She said she loved you too much to be at your wedding and see you tied the knot with someone else.” Clarke doesn’t know how to feel. “She was talking about the hen’s party. About your...”

Clarke knows what she is referring to. Their kiss. Their long making out session. Their emotional loving moment...

“I saw you two kissing.”

“You saw?”

“I didn’t mean to spy on you, you were not exactly in a secluded place. You were...”

“Stop.”

“Anyway, I went to Lexa’s place, we had a discussion and she promised to come to the wedding.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“I’ve seen Lexa.”

“You’re telling me you were in contact with her all this time?” Clarke is furious, she slaps Octavia in the face before the brunette even has a moment to open her mouth and respond. The few people in the coffee shop suddenly stare at the scene that unfolds before their eyes.

Octavia is stunned.

Clarke stands up and walks out of the door.

Octavia comes to her senses and goes after the blonde. She grabs her by the arm as she is about to cross the road.

“Leave me alone, bitch!”

There is something Octavia doesn’t bear; it’s being called a bitch.

“You’re fucking mental Clarke. I never said I was in contact with Lexa. I just saw her the other day.”

Clarke’s ego prevents her from turning around to look at Octavia in the eye.

“Clarke, I was telling you I saw Lexa, here in Polis.”

“When? Where is she?”

“It was a couple of weeks ago, she was...”

“A couple of weeks ago? And you didn’t tell me? Where is she?” _How is she? Did she ask for me?_ Clarke’s mind is in overdrive.

“I don’t even know if she’s staying or if she was just passing by.”

“Where?”

“It was in the city. Near the main street.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“Yeah...”

“Did she ask about me?”

Octavia knows she is going to break Clarke’s heart.

“No.”

Clarke is more than disappointed, she feels her heart breaking.

“She wanted to ask. Am sure of it.”

_Right... The Lexa I know, no, rectify that, the Lexa I knew would have asked for me._

“She still loves you, am sure.”

“But she didn’t ask about me.”

“Oh come on Clarke, there could have been a million reasons why she didn’t.”

“She moved on.” Clarke weeps.

Octavia doesn’t know what to respond. She knows that when the blonde is in denial, only time can help her. She will come to her senses eventually. There is no doubt in Octavia’s mind that Lexa is still in love with Clarke. Not a single doubt.

“Let’s go back inside, have an iced tea.”

“Leave me alone.”

Octavia doesn’t insist.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“How did it go?”

“Clarke is pissed.”

Lincoln is not surprised by what her fiancé tells him. Clarke has always been hot-headed.

“She thinks Lexa has moved on.”

“Maybe she has.”

“She is still in love with Clarke. I know it.”

Lincoln nods. He has not trouble believing that Lexa might still be head over heels about Clarke.

“What will she do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Call her. Ask her if you can help her.”

“She won’t let me.”

“You don’t know that. Call her.” Lincoln knows that his fiancé suffers from their damaged friendship. They used to be tight. Never as tight as Lexa and Clarke but still very close.

“I’ll call her.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

That night, Clarke is at her flat, crying herself to sleep.

_Lexa has moved on. She no longer loves me. She doesn’t care anymore. I shouldn’t have split with Niylah. I was naive to think that she would still love me. She left. She left me._

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Sunday, Clarke decides she has cried enough. She deserves better than this. If Lexa has moved on, so can she. Plus they’ve never been together together so she doesn’t owe her anything. It was not the right time, that’s all. They missed their chance. She missed her chance. She didn’t see the opportunity when it was right in front of her eyes. She didn’t grab it. Now it’s too late.

Abby tries to call her daughter several times that day but Clarke doesn’t want to talk. She needs some alone time, some space. To clear up her mind. To recover from the blow. To reflect on what her future without Lexa will be. She had this insane hope that Lexa would come back for her and that they would have their happy ending. But now it seems like a naive dream that will never come true. And it sucks.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday she flies to TonDC for the week. She is determined to do her job right. She is ready to fire some people. She is strong enough to do it. She is ready to show Dante Wallace she is the real deal, a proper manager. 

As soon as she exits TonDC's airport, she switches on her mobile.

She has a handful of missed calls (from Octavia, Anya and her mom) but she doesn't want to look at them yet. She dials Detective Puget's number.

"Morning Detective Puget, it's Miss Griffin. I am calling you to let you know that you can forget about the job. It was a mistake. Thanks for your comprehension." She doesn't need to find Lexa. Clearly Lexa doesn't want to see her if she's moved on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is getting very emotional and it's a real roller-coaster. She doesn't know how to react... Everything feels raw.
> 
> No Lexa in today's chapter but she's going to be back in the next.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	11. Truth starts spreading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Already another chapter? It seems I'm on fire.
> 
> So here it is, chapter 11. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I don’t know how to be around her...”

“Listen, this week she’s in Ton DC but next week she’s back in Polis and she has an art exhibit,” says Anya.

“She’s still painting?” Lexa cannot help smiling. She is proud that Clarke kept doing it, especially after her father’s passing.  Lexa would love to watch the blonde paint again. Just observe her concentrate in front of the blank canvas. It’s always felt like witnessing a miracle happening before her eyes. And right now she could use a miracle.

“Fox, do you remember Fox?” Lexa nods “well, she co-owns an art gallery now and she asked Clarke if she wanted to participate. To put up some of her work. It’s mainly old work but there are a few you don’t know.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Well, last week when I drove her home from the hospital...”

“What? What happened? Is she hurt?”

“Calm down. She got into a benign road accident...”

Lexa feels an irrational wave of worry wash over her. Anya can see it in her eyes.

“It was nothing really. Just a few scratches. She is okay. Jesus, breathe. You’re the one with the serious condition here.”

Lexa tries to calm the erratic rhythm of her heart. She got so scared all of a sudden.

“So I went to PFH to pick her up and when I dropped her at her flat, there were paintings everywhere. I asked and that’s how I know.” Lexa nods. “And then we argued about the detective thing and... then you’re suddenly back in my life.”

Lexa knows the rest. They talked about her leukaemia, about where she was these past few years, what she did, how she got back to Polis. And then Lexa asked her not to tell Clarke she was back. And certainly not tell her about her medical condition.

“You should go to her exhibit.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think that showing up just like that, out of the blue is a good idea.”

“She is not going to jump in your arms right away, that’s understandable but she’ll be glad to see you am sure. It’ll just be a lot to swallow.”

“Glad?”

“Yeah, glad. Look, you’ve been gone 5 years. You left her, at her wedding. Without a word. You hurt her...”

“I know.” Lexa knows this. Oh yes, she is well aware that her behaviour would have hurt Clarke.

“I don’t want you to expect too much...”

“Am not expecting anything... I think it’s best if I don’t see her, not yet I mean.”

“What are you going to do then? Just pretend you are not dying to see her?” Lexa frowns at that. “Sorry I didn’t mean to say literally dying... Fuck. Am not used to _this_...”

“I know. It’s just not the right moment.”

“Do you realise you’re asking me to lie because you don’t want to face your responsibilities and go see Clarke?”

“I am not asking you to lie, I’m asking you not to talk about me with her.”

“It’s the same thing. Plus how do you expect me to explain why she should fire her detective? What if it’s too late anyway? She was supposed to hire him last Friday. It’s Tuesday now. He may have found you already.”

“You didn’t call her like I asked you to?”

“I called her but she doesn’t pick up her phone. She’s still mad at me for not staying at her flat this week.”

“You’ve been staying at her flat, but..?”

“Yeah. Every time she’s off on a business trip or for holiday, I stay at her flat. In case you would show up.”

Lexa cannot help the tear that escape. _She is waiting for me_.

“She is...”

“... waiting for you, yeah. You still don’t understand, she loves you.”

“Why would you do that? I mean, why you?” Lexa prefers dismissing the "she loves you" part.

“Because I was waiting for you too, dummy. And blondie and I we understand each other. Not all the time but when it concerns you, most of the time.”

Lexa nods. She understands. She always knew Anya and Clarke could be great friends. And to be honest she feels a bit jealous. Anya had the last 5 years with Clarke. She did not. But that’s her own fault. She knows it. She scolds herself for feeling jealous.

“I’ll try again to call her about the detective thing but it might be too late anyway.”

“So I should go to her exhibit then, if it’s too late anyway?”

“I think you should.”

“When is that exactly?”

“Opening night is on Thursday next week. I’ll text you the address.”

“I don’t think I’ll come on opening night.”

“She may not be there the other day... Oh I see, you want to avoid...”

“I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable for her opening night. It’s always stressful so it’s best if I see her another time. She may come during the weekend.”

Anya knows what Lexa is trying to do. She knows her cousin enough to not push the matter further. It’d be fruitless

“Ok then. What about your next chemo? I’d like to come.”

“You’re not obliged to...”

“I want to. Unless you’d rather do it alone.”

“No, no. I’d like for you to be here.”

“Then I’ll be there. When is it?”

“It’s on the 12th. At 2pm.”

“So, in 2 weeks then. Alright, let me mark that down on my calendar.” Anya stands up from her couch and grabs a pen to write it on her kitten’s calendar in her kitchen. “And do you need... I mean, do I need to stay afterwards? It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that Fridays are busy at Grounders and...”

“No, you don’t need to. I can manage on my own. There’s nothing you can do. I just need rest afterwards.”

Anya hesitates before replying “Okay.” She suspects Lexa is not telling her the whole truth.

 

 

* * *

 

 

In TonDC, Indra and Clarke are reviewing together a list of potential employees to fire. Indra seems very methodical in her approach; she prepared a list of facts, performance reviews, attendance records... Everything to take an objective decision rather than a subjective one. Clarke tends to rely more on her feelings and experience when it comes to assess someone’s value to the company. But here she doesn’t know the employees very well. She’s met them yes but cannot say she’s familiar with them. After all she visited TonDC’s plant for the first time only a couple of months ago. And she spend most of her time here with Indra.

“I don’t get why Wallace asked you to be involved in this?”

“He says it’s something I must learn how to do as a manager.”

“He’s right about that. But still Trikru’s employees should be fired by Trikru’s managers, not WEATHER Corp.”

“I know Indra. I told him so. He didn’t leave me a choice. It’s either that or I give my resignation.”

“Right... He sounds like a tyrant.”

“Actually he is not. That’s the weirdest thing about it. He is quite a fair boss. But for that he seemed set on it. And I don’t want to disappoint.”

“You seem tense. Maybe you take 5 and breathe some fresh air. I’ll go with you.”

Indra and Clarke exit the main building towards the parking lot. There is a booth for smokers. Clarke leads Indra in that direction.

“I didn’t picture you as a smoker, Griffin. And that certainly is not what I meant when I said you needed to breathe some fresh air.”

“I need a cigarette. It relaxes me.”

“It’s a bad habit.”

“I know. I am not a regular smoker.”

“But still you have a pack and lighter in your pocket.”

“I knew I would need them.”

Indra nods as Clarke lights the cigarette she just put at her lips.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Clarke and Indra have selected 5 persons that they will lay off by the end of the day.

Clarke feels sick. She tries her best to look unaffected but Indra can sense it, though she doesn’t mention it. Instead she provides her support by talking the lead in the first interview.

The first person they fire is a 40 something lady named Rebecca, who’s been working in dispatch for the past 15 years. The last 3 years she missed a total of 45 days at work for various medical reasons. Her performance review also shows that she is too slow to perform her basic duties. She is not efficient or reliable enough. Rebecca is stunned but doesn’t cry. She remains very brave and even thanks Indra for telling her in a private office rather than being laid off in front of everyone on the shopfloor.

The second person they fire is a 24 year old lad, who started 2 years before. He’s been suspected of smoking pot during his breaks when working the night shifts. He too has been assessed too slow at performing his job. Jeremy, that’s his name, doesn’t seem to care at all. He leaves the room without saying anything.

Kelly, 54, is the third person they fire. Clarke asks for a break right after. It’s taking a toll on her. It’s draining her of her energy.

“I don’t think I can do the other 2 today, Indra.”

“It’ll be done. It’s better to rip off the Band-Aid in one go rather than making it slowly. It’s less painful.”

“You’re probably right but right now I need a break.”

Indra nods.

 

The blonde goes outside for a smoke.

 

She comes back to Indra’s office 20 minutes later.

“Okay, let’s finish this.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“She doesn’t pick up my calls either. Am telling you mama G, she’s being irrational.”

“So Lexa is back, huh...”

“Yeah... well as I told you earlier, I’ve only seen her once in the street. I don’t know if she’s back, back. You know what I mean?”

“Of course Octavia. You can’t be sure.”

“She slapped me in the face.”

“It doesn’t surprise me.”

“It did surprise me. I was not expecting that. She overreacted. I think she thinks Lexa doesn’t love her anymore.”

“That’s impossible. I mean I don’t believe that. Lexa has always looked pathologically in love with my daughter. Jake and I used to... well, we used to bet on when Lexa would crack and kiss Clarke already.”

“They did kiss.”

“When?”

“Clarke’s hen’s party.”

Abby tilts her head. She didn’t know that, Clarke never mentioned it.

“Mama G, are you still with me?” asks Octavia from the other side of the phone.

“Yeah... Sorry, go on.”

“They kissed for like I don’t know, 5 minutes. Or more. I don’t know. I woke up and they were already kissing.”

“5 minutes? That surely cannot be misinterpreted...And?”

“And Lexa left a week later, devastated that Clarke married another.”

“She must have been heartbroken indeed. I mean she never took kindly any of Clarke’s conquests in high school.”

“Same in university. She always acted cool and unaffected but it showed on her face.”

“And of course my brilliant daughter never saw anything.”

“I don’t want to be rude, mama G, but Clarke has always been fucking blind when it concerned Lexa.”

Abby cannot help but agree. She chuckles at that.

“You’re certainly right with this. Clarke has always been clueless with Lexa.”

“So... anyway... Clarke doesn’t pick up her damn mobile.”

“I believe she is in TonDC this week.”

“Right...”

“I suggest you come at her exhibit next week.”

“Yeah, I forgot about the exhibit. Fox told me about it. There will be 5 other well-known artists. It’s great for Clarke.”

“It is. I don’t think she realises it though. Maybe it’s better this way. The spotlight won’t be on her, she’ll be able to enjoy it more. Less stressful.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Knock knock knock...._

Anya wonders who it could be at this hour. Lexa is not supposed to come today.

“Hey!”

“Oh hey... Raven...” says Anya as she opens her door and sees her visitor.

“Wow, you seem so enthusiastic! Way to welcome people!”

“Sorry.”

“Can I come in or are you going to let me rot there?”

Anya lets the Latina in her flat.

“So... I gather you know Clarke has lost her mind?”

“She had an accident last week, that’s hardly losing one’s mind.” Anya doesn’t want to mention the detective thing. She isn’t sure Raven knows.

“Monroe called me and then I called Octavia and...”

“You know?”

“Are we talking about the same thing?”

“I am talking about Lexa.”

“So you know...”

“Where is she?”

Anya feels uncomfortable. She doesn’t want to say something she shouldn’t...

“Octavia saw her so I assume you saw her too. Don’t worry I won’t tell Griffin.”

“Yes. She is in Polis.”

“For good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay...”

It’s complicated. She has leukaemia, doesn’t know if she’s going to recover. She also feels awfully guilty of having left Clarke 5 years before. And she is too much of a coward to confront her. She fears rejection. Lexa is a mess right now.

“Why won’t she see her?” asks Raven.

“She doesn’t know how to.”

Raven doesn’t need all the details. She suspects a guilt component. But she doesn’t know about the medical condition.

“What about next week’s exhibition?”

“Already proposed that option.”

“And she refused, naturally... typical...”

“It’s more complicated than you think.”

“Try me.”

“I can’t...”

“Oh come on, I won’t tell anyone, least of all Griffin.”

Anya considers lying for a moment but decides that truth is best.

“She has leukaemia.”

“Who has leukae-“

“Lexa.”

“Oh...” Now it all makes sense. “Is she treating it? I mean is it curable? Or...”

“She has chemotherapy. Am actually coming with her to her next session.”

“That’s good. I mean, that’s good that you’re coming with her.”

“Yeah.”

Both women fall silent. The atmosphere in the room is tense.

“Don’t-“

“I won’t tell anyone I promise.”

“Thanks.”

“Though, don’t you think Clarke should know?”

“It’s Lexa’s choice.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the art exhibition :) and Lexa is going to... SPOILERS
> 
> Thanks again for your kudos and comments, it motivates me so much!!! You guys rock!
> 
> Have a great day and take care of yourselves.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	12. The art exhibition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally happening!! The art exhibition is today...
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Why didn’t you return any of my calls, Clarke?”

Clarke is doing the final touches of her make-up.

“Mom, I was busy with work and then preparing the exhibit...”

Abby hasn’t talked to her daughter since their argument at the ER a couple of weeks ago.

“Alright, baby,” concedes Abby.

Clarke avoids looking into her mother’s eyes. She keeps trying on putting her earrings.

“Here, let me help you.” Abby take the earrings from Clarke’s hands.

“Thanks mom.”

“There you go. Perfect. Ready for opening night?”

Clarke is nervous but she feels ready. She has nothing to lose. She is not a professional artist so what if critics don’t like her art? Then they don’t like it. End of story. It is not the end of the world for her. Though she secretly wishes she’ll get a nice feedback and maybe sell a few pieces.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

“At least you’re fully recovered from your accident.”

“Mom, it was nothing.”

“Right.” Abby doesn’t want to argue with her daughter tonight. “Not too nervous that a lot of critics will be there?”

“By saying that, you’re making me nervous.”

“Sorry,” smiles Abby apologetically.

“But they’re not here for me anyway. So...”

“Am sure they’ll like your pieces.”

“We’ll see.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The exhibit opening is a private event. One must have an invitation to come in. Lexa doesn’t have one but Niylah does.

“What is she doing here?” asks Raven to Anya.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think they’re back together?”

“I hope not.”

“At least that’s a good thing Lexa didn’t come.”

“Yeah...”

Little do they know that on the other side of the road, Lexa is there, watching from outside. Trying to catch a glimpse at Clarke.

Lexa sees Abby and widely smiles when she recognises the woman she considered as a second mom.

Lexa also sees most of her old friends: Monroe, Harper ( _wait a minute, they are a couple now?_ ), Monty, Miller (the fact that those two are together is not a surprise for Lexa), Lincoln and Octavia (Anya told her that Octavia said to Clarke she saw her)... Raven and Anya ( _they seem really good friends now_ ). Emori is there too. She also sees Fox. _Wow, owning an art gallery really changed her. In a good way._

Then she sees a tall blonde she doesn’t know bring a glass of champagne to... Clarke. Lexa’s heart stops beating. Clarke is even more beautiful than in her souvenir or her pictures. She is breathtakingly gorgeous. And her red dress is to die for. Lexa has always been in love with her best friend’s generous curves.

And the other blonde she doesn’t know is staying way too close to Clarke to be a simple acquaintance. Lexa then understands that it must be Clarke’s lover. And it hurts. Oh man does it hurt badly. It’s excruciating. But Clarke looks happy. That’s the most important. That’s the only thing that matters. Nothing else is important. _It’s okay if I hurt, Clarke is happy, I don’t care about the rest._

Lexa cannot tear her eyes from the source of her pain and her love. It’s like nothing else exists but her. Her heart beats alarmingly slowly and her breathing doesn’t seem to bring enough air into her lungs. It hurts. Everything hurts.

After what feels like an awful long time, she cannot take it anymore. It feels like she suffocates. It is too much to handle. She leaves for now. She will come back in a few days.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Clarke, listen...”

“No Octavia, I don’t want to talk about it now. Actually I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“But you don’t understand...”

“Oh I understand perfectly. I’m 30, it’s time for me to stop waiting and live my life. My way.”

Clarke’s tone is clear. She doesn’t want to discuss further. She is set on her decision. Octavia is sad for her friend.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Anya has overheard the quick exchange between Octavia and Clarke. She knows it has to do with Lexa and probably the slapping. Suddenly Anya feels her arm firmly grabbed. She snaps her hand and sees that it’s Abby.

“Come with me.”

Anya follows Abby to a more secluded corner of the gallery, as far as possible from Clarke’s hearing range.

“Where is she?”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Don’t play smart pants with me.”

“She’s in Polis.”

“That, I know. Where is she now? Why isn’t she here?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t want to come.”

“Why? What is she hiding?” asks Abby.

_Does she actually have a secret guessing sense?_

“Err...”

“Is she still in love with my daughter?”

“Of course she is.”

“Then why is she refusing to see her?”

“It’s complicated. I can’t tell you.”

“Alright... Please tell her to come to me. I want to have a discussion with her.”

“I will.”

“Is she okay?”

Anya doesn’t know what to respond. Her silence tells enough to Abby.

“She’s like a daughter to me, you know.”

 _She needs a mother now._ “I know.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Wanna hang out at my place afterwards?”

“I don’t know.”

Raven seems a bit disappointed.

“Are you going at Lexa’s?”

“I think so, yeah. She says she’s fine but...”

“No need to explain, I understand.”

Anya nods.

“Can I come with?”

“I don’t know if...”

“That’s okay. I understand.”

“It’s just that...”

“That’s fine. I really do understand. She needs you. She doesn’t need me.”

“Actually she needs Clarke. But she is too stubborn to do something about it.”

“Yeah, they both are. It’s annoying.”

“Yes, it is." Both women reflect on that thought.

 

"Okay I should probably go now. See you later.” Anya leans in to kiss Raven on the cheek. The Latina blushes.

“Okay, see you later.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya goes to Lexa’s flat but nobody’s home apparently. Lights are off, no noise coming from inside.

_Am at your flat. Where are you?_

Nothing happens for 5 minutes. Then 10 minutes. Then, Anya decides to call. It goes straight to voicemail. Anya doesn’t leave a message, she knows her cousin, a face to face conversation is always better.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Mom, what were you talking about with Anya?”

“Lexa.” Abby doesn’t want to lie to her daughter.

Clarke immediately dismisses her mother’s response and wraps a shawl around her neck.

“It went well I think. A few critics told me they liked my watercolours.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me for details?”

“No. I don’t need to know. It’s opening night and dad is not there I think I did great.”

“Oh honey, of course you did great. It’s just if you want to talk about L-“

“I don’t want to. She has her life. I have mine.”

 _Damn, she is stubborn_.

“Alright, I won’t force you.”

“Thanks mom.”

“But if you’d like to talk I’m here.”

Clarke shoots daggers at her mom.

“Alright, let’s talk about something else. What is the general feedback from Fox?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Four days later, on the Monday, Lexa goes to Fox’s gallery. She knows she’ll be incognito. Worst case scenario, Fox recognises her. So what?

Lexa recognises most of Clarke’s paintings. But there a few new pieces she’s never seen before. She feels like she missed out on those. She wasn’t there when the blonde painted them. One retains her attention. It’s a watercolour painting of the sky. It’s entitled _Sky missing Earth_. There is something about it that speaks to Lexa’s heart. She cannot explain it, she feels it.

When Lexa is back at her place, she has decided that she must have the watercolour painting. But if she buys it herself, Fox will probably recognise her then Clarke will know. Lexa would rather stay anonymous.

The next day, she calls Marcus into her office.

“Marcus, I have a favor to ask.”

“What is it?”

“I would like for you to buy a painting for me.”

“Any specific in mind.”

“Yes. I’ve got all the details. I just can’t do it myself.”

“Why, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I have my reasons. I understand if you don’t want to...”

“No, that’s okay. As long as it’s not for laundering money I can do it.” That remark amuses Lexa. Marcus has a way of making her feel comfortable and making jokes she appreciates.

“Do you honestly think I would be that kind of person?” she says, smiling at him.

“No, of course not.”

“Here are the details and here is the money in cash,” says Lexa as she hands him an envelope of cash.

“When do you want me to...”

“Can you do it tonight, after work?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“You’ll bring me the painting before Friday. I’ve taken the afternoon off and I’ve got too many meetings in the morning.”

“Consider it done.”

“Thank you Marcus. It goes without saying that this has nothing to do with the company.”

“Of course, you can count on my discretion.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Marcus brings her the painting in her office. Lexa cannot wait to be back at her flat to put the painting in her bedroom so she can have a bit of Clarke with her. A bit of her when she was not there.

The day at the office seems excruciatingly long and the temptation to open the painting’s package seems to slow the clock even more.

She rushes out of the door with the painting as soon as she can.

At home she opens the package as if it were the finest most fragile treasure in the universe. She wouldn’t be more careful if she had to handle a uranium bar.

She spends the rest of the evening her eyes glued on the painting. She doesn’t eat, drink or even blink. She is transfixed by the painting. It feels like Clarke is in there with her. It’s reassuring.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke flies back from TonDC on Thursday as she’s got a department meeting on the Friday. She gets a call from Fox.

“Hey Clarke, I sold a few paintings of yours.”

“Really? Wow, that’s great.”

“What’s even better is that one of them got paid almost 10 times its price.”

“What? Are you kidding?”

“Yeah, yeah. I know it’s unbelievable. Not that you’re not worth it but still, it doesn’t happen on a regular.”

“Which one?”

“Sky missed Earth.”

“I loved that one.”

“Apparently you’re not the only one.”

“Who’s the buyer? I need to send him or her a thank you note.”

“It’s Mr M. Kane.”

“Do you have his address?”

“It’s on his business card. I mean that’s his office's.”

“Can you email it to me tonight so that I can send it first thing tomorrow on my way to work?”

“Sure.”

Clarke cannot believe she sold a painting 10 times its value. It’s unbelievable. It feels good though. It boosts her self-esteem to a high she did not reach for quite some time.

As soon as she gets Fox’s email, she starts drafting a thank you note. She goes through several versions before settling for the one she’ll send.

On the business card on Mr. Kane, there is an email address but Clarke doesn’t want to use it. Emails feel too impersonal, especially in this context. The guy bought a painting 10 times its price. It definitely deserves a handwritten thank you card.

Clarke writes down the address on the envelope but she is too happy with herself to recognise the logo of the company. It’s 12C. But the actual name is spelled “One to See”. So she doesn’t make the connection with her Google search of Lexa a couple of weeks ago...

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke posts her card on Friday morning using same day delivery.

 

It arrives in Marcus’s office at 1.30pm.

 

At 1.45pm it’s on Lexa’s desk but it’s already too late. She has left for her third chemo session.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Lexa finally saw Clarke and... it was heartbreaking...
> 
> And Clarke doesn't know Lexa is the buyer...
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks again for reading, leaving kudos and/or comments, it's warming my heart (which is necessary considering the shitty November weather we currently have here in the UK...).  
> Take care of yourselves :)
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	13. Thank you card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope you're all having a nice weekend. If you live in the UK, hope you'll enjoy the bonfires and fireworks :)
> 
> So, yesterday when I published chapter 12, I had not written a single word of the following chapter and really thought I would not be able to write at all considering my busy scheduled but between yesterday's late evening and this morning I managed to get chapter 13 written. Yeah!!
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 13. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

Lexa meets up with Anya in the lobby of the oncology department of PFH.

“A full week without responding to your phone, that’s a new record,” complains Anya.

“Hello to you too. I was busy at work.”

“Even last weekend? I came by to your flat and I’m pretty sure you were hiding in there...”

“I was not.” (She totally was) “I went out. Walking is good for one’s health.”

“Oh please don’t give me the healthy talk now...”

“We are in a hospital An. It is the right time and place to talk about healthy habits,” sasses Lexa.

“Ok, smart pants. I will not argue further.”

“What time is your appointment?”

“2pm.”

Anya looks at her wristwatch. It’s indicating 2.07pm.

“They’re late.”

Lexa looks at her cousin, shakes her head as she grins at the childish remark of Anya.

“What? I don’t like waiting.”

“You shouldn’t have come then. You’re going to wait over 2 hours with me for the infusion to be complete.”

“You know what I mean...”

Lexa knows. Anya is nervous. She never liked hospitals and though she hides it well, she is afraid for her cousin. Lexa can sense that. She takes her hand, squeezes it a bit. It relaxes Anya whose left knee is starting to shake of nerves.

“Did you drop by the gallery then?”

“I did.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Oh come on, talk.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“You’re really going to play dummy with me today?”

“Miss Woods?” calls a nurse. At that, Lexa stands up.

“Let’s go An.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“This Nyko guy seems really nice.”

“You’re already having a crush on my nurse?”

“Nawwww.... I’m just saying he seems nice.”

“He is.”

“Plus I already sort of have somebody...”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah...”

“Can I get more details?”

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“If you do a couple of things for me, then I might tell you who this person is.”

“Dare I ask what the couple of things are?”

“First, you call Abby...” Lexa already considered doing it but she doesn’t know how to make contact with her. She doesn’t know if she despises her after leaving her daughter. But she guesses she could always do that. It’s way easier than contacting the blonde. “... and you go see Clarke.”

Lexa doesn’t reply. She’s already seen Clarke last week and it was both exhilarating and crushing. Both elating and painful. Both lifting and devastating at the same time.

“Abby wants you to call her.”

“How does she...?”

“Everybody knows. Clarke knows you’re here.” _Of course she does_ , thinks Lexa.

Anya studies her cousin’s features before declaring: “I am amazed that you don’t want to see her.” Lexa doesn’t need to respond, Anya sees it in her eyes, _of course she is dying to see her._ _But if I don’t push them to do it, nothing is going to happen and it is fucking painful to watch._

“What’s the worst than can happen? Being angry at you for the past 5 years?”

Lexa doesn’t reply. She has already formed a million different scenarios in her head since last week when she saw her and the mysterious tall blonde at the gallery, each scenario is more painful than the next. They all have one thing in common: Clarke has moved on.

“I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but I’m pretty sure you’re dramatising this way too much.”

Anya waits for a reply but nothing comes.

“Oh I see, you’re giving me the silence treatment. I, too, can play this game. But it won’t lead anywhere. Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Okay.”

“Okay what? You’re going to call Abby and go see Clarke.”

“Yes. Both.”

“I’m taking you at your words.” Anya replies, stunned _. It was easier than I thought._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya drives Lexa back at her flat and before leaving for work, she makes her pinky swear that she will call Abby and go see Clarke.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After Anya has left, Lexa writes a new entry in her recovery journal, as she does every day now. She really did think it would be this soothing in the beginning but now she is quite a fan of doing it. She makes a mental note to tell her doctor at her next appointment.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hi baby, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine, thanks. What about you?”

“I was calling to ask you to know if you’ve got anything scheduled for Friday’s dinner?”

“Next Friday?”

“Yes.”

“No, why?”

“I’d like for you to meet someone.”

“Who?”

“Marcus.”

Clarke smiles because she’s already heard about this Marcus, the man who manages to make her mother smile again for nothing specific.

“I’d love to.”

“Good.” Abby cannot help but smile from ear to ear. She is excited for her daughter to meet Marcus.

“I’ll come pick you up at the station.”

“I can drive.”

“I’d rather not see you arrive on that death machine of yours.”

“Mom!” complains Clarke. “Okay, fine, I’ll take the sub.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa’s body seem to start adjusting to chemo and she only vomits a couple of time during the weekend. On Sunday afternoon she even feels good enough to go for a walk.

At 5pm, she takes her mobile phone out of her jean’s pocket and dials a familiar number. It rings a couple of times before somebody picks up on the other side of the line.

“Abby Griffin.”

“Hi.”

Abby doesn’t need for her interlocutor to introduce herself; she immediately recognises the voice of her second daughter.

“Hi sweetie,” the term of endearment warms Lexa’s heart; _maybe she does not despise me?_ “Tell me how you’ve been doing?”

Lexa feels tears forming in her eyes. She misses having a mom and Abby was a substitute mother to her about her parents passed.

“I’m okay.”

“Would you like to meet for a coffee instead of...” _talking on the phone?_

“I’d like that very much, yes. Thank you.”

“Tell me where and when sweetie.”

Lexa thinks about it for a moment before proposing “Hola Café at 6 on Tuesday. Is that okay?”

“Let me mark that down on my calendar.”

Lexa hears Abby writing that down on paper. _There’s no way to back away now. I can do it._

“Okay?”

“Of course, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome sweetie.”

For a moment nobody talks. Abby wanders if Lexa wants to talk about something but doesn’t dare. She probably...

“Alright, see you on Tuesday then,” says Lexa.

“See you on Tuesday sweetie. Take care of yourself.”

“You too.” Lexa ends the call. She thinks it went relatively well. It was not that awkward. Meeting Abby at a coffee shop may go better than Lexa initially thought.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, on Monday, when she arrives at her office she sees an envelope with a post-it note on it. It says _The Painter’s thank you card, Marcus._

Lexa’s heart contracts in her chest. Clarke has written a thank you card. She opens the envelope. The card is a folded one. She knows this card. Jake had made them for her daughter’s first exhibition.  A total of 300 cards in total. It’s amazing that Clarke still has them. It warms Lexa’s heart.

 

> _Dear Mr. Kane,_
> 
> _Just a little card to say a massive thank you for your generous donation on Sky misses Earth. It encourages me to keep on practicing my art. This piece was truly special to me and I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I loved painting it._
> 
> _Thank you,_
> 
> _C. Griffin_
> 
>  

 

Lexa is happy that Clarke will keep on painting. It truly is important. And she loved painting it. And it was special to her. And her handwriting. Lexa caresses the words on paper. She closes her eyes and can almost picture Clarke as she wrote those words. She guesses she must have been in her kitchen, grinning like an idiot, still unbelieving that people could love her art.

Lexa wants to pick up her phone and call Clarke. To tell her she’s an amazing artist and she shouldn’t doubt it for even a second. But right now she must be at work, it is not the time.

Tonight. She will go tonight.

She has waited long enough. Sure, it’ll probably be weird but she can do it. Maybe Clarke won’t reject her. Maybe it’ll easier than she dreads....

The office hours have never been slower and faster at the same time as today. Lexa has the feeling it’s happening all in slow motion. From her various meetings to her business lunch with a couple of Chinese colleagues visiting all 12C’s site in the States.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 4.59pm she is stamping impatiently like a horse waiting for a rodeo to begin. She needs to get out of here now, run to her flat, take a shower, change clothes, calm herself, pick a bouquet of flowers by the nearest flower shop and go see Clarke.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 5.32pm, Lexa is back at her place, out of breath. She ran the last 500m in the street. It didn’t seem that much but with her chemo, every effort feels ten times harder than before.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.02pm, Lexa exits her bathroom, wrapped in a huge blue towel.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.14pm, Lexa has settled on a pair of skinny jeans and a black tank top.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.18pm, Lexa puts on her favourite pair of ankle boots, grabs her keys and walks out of the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.24pm, she enters the flower shop near her subway’s station.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.37pm, she exits the flower shop with a bouquet of ruffled and pastel coloured Peonies with a bit of Lily in the Valley. It’s not overly huge but it’s definitely not a small bouquet.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.43pm, Lexa is sitting in the train, guarding her bouquet from being damaged. A couple of ladies are looking at her from her left side. She can feel their eyes on her. It makes her feel uncomfortable. She doesn’t like people staring.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.54pm, Lexa arrives at Clarke’s subway station. She hops off the train with her bouquet and an uncontrollably fast beating heart.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.55pm for a few seconds, she thinks it is the worst idea she has ever had. She should have called Clarke before coming unannounced. She is having a mini panic attack. Then she decides that she is probably being overly dramatic and focuses on Anya’s voice in her head telling her _What’s the worst that could happen? She could be mad at you but that’s it._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.56pm, Lexa exits the subway station.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.57pm, Lexa is waiting at a traffic light for the pedestrian sign to give her the okay. The air is electric around her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 6.58pm, Lexa thinks this traffic light is taking definitely longer than it should. _And what if Clarke isn’t home? Oh my God, you haven’t thought about that possibility... What if it’s all for nothing? No, no, it’s not all for nothing. At worst you can leave the bouquet by the door... I should have taken up the offer from the flower lady and put a card with the bouquet. But what would I have written?_

 

* * *

 

 

At 7.19pm Clarke hears her microwave oven beeping, indicating that her steamed green curry dish is ready.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 7.20pm, Clarke curses herself for yet again attempting to eat the green curry without waiting for it to cool down a bit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 7.25pm, Clarke hears a cacophony of very loud sirens coming from the street. She goes on her balcony to see what is happening. There are a couple of ambulances, 3 police cars and a fire-fighter’s truck. A small crowd has gathered near the source of the commotion but from where she stands Clarke cannot see precisely what is going on.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 7.29pm Clarke comes back inside her flat and as she sits down on a stool by her kitchen island, somebody knocks at the door. _Who could that be?_ Clarke is not expecting anyone tonight.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 7.30pm, Clarke opens the door to her visitor. After a few milliseconds of intense internal debate, Clarke decides to smile.

“Come on in.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before any of you throws me rude/unhappy comments, I take this opportunity to remind you all that as it says on the tags, it IS a story with a LOT of angst. I never lied about that. If you're not comfortable with that, I understand and maybe this story is not for you. That's perfectly ok to prefer other lighter mood kind of stories.
> 
> With that being said, let's come back to the story. Lexa has finally grown a pair and called Abby and agreed to go see Clarke. Yeah!
> 
> Next chapter should be ready for Monday. In the meantime I wish you all a nice weekend!
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	14. The accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a nice weekend!
> 
> So, we pick up right where we left last time...

 

 

 

 

 

At 9.15pm, Anya gets a call. She is at work with her cell phone on silent mode but she keeps it with her always. It vibrates continuously so she understands it’s not a text and everyone she knows only text her when she is at work so it must be important. When she checks the caller ID, it’s written PFH’s ER. She immediately answers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 9.47pm, Anya arrives at the ER, panicking. The person who called her didn’t give her much detail. So on the way to the hospital, Anya’s mind went crazy, imagining all kind of scenarios.

“How is she? Please tell me she’s going to make it, please,” asks Anya, breathless. She ran through the doors.

“M’am, please calm down. Who are you looking for? As you can see we have many patients here tonight,” says the nurse as she vaguely points at the small crowd occupying almost every available chair in the waiting room.

“Lexa... Errm Alexandria Woods.”

“Are you family?” asks the nurse in a soothing voice, trying to calm down Anya.

“Yes. You called me half an hour ago. I’m her next of kin.” Of course she probably was not THE one who called her but she doesn’t care for precision right now. She goes straight to the point. She needs efficient information as soon as possible.

“Alright. Let me check for you,” smiles the nurse. She walks away and goes behind a desk to pick up a folder. There are tons and tons of folders on the desk. _How can she find her way through this mess_ , wanders Anya.

The nurse comes back a few minutes later with a clipboard. She looks at it and speaks. “So, Alexandria has been admitted earlier this evening for a road accident. She doesn’t have severe external injuries but sustained a head concussion. Dr Cooper is currently assessing internal damages.”

“What does it mean?”

“The patient has been hit by a car at a low speed so no external damages are visible but there could be internal injuries.”

_What kind of internal injuries? Which organs? Would it kill her?_ Anya’s mind is imagining the worse case scenarios yet again. “When will we know?”

“She entered OR3, err... operating room number 3, almost an hour ago; it could be any minute now. Please sit here and Dr Cooper will come see you.” The nurse doesn’t want to alarm Anya even more by telling her it could still be a long time if she has a few organ damages...

Anya sits down on one of the only chairs still available. And she waits. And while she waits she looks at the other people around her. There are kids, women, old people and younger ones with visible damages. It’s frightening. Anya doesn’t like hospitals and ERs are way worse than any other department. On her left there is mother with her 5 or 6 years old son. He looks okay at first sight, she wanders what would be his reasons to come then she realises it’s the mother; she is bleeding from one hand. Nothing too deep it looks like but definitely worth a visit to the ER. And she probably didn’t have anyone to watch over her kid so she brought him with her. It’s sad.

On her right, Anya smells before she sees an old man. He stinks of cheap alcohol. His left hand is wrapped in some kind of stained fabric. He must have cut himself while under the influence...

Anya doesn’t know how long she waits for but at some point a surgeon comes. It’s a woman, probably of Indian descent, athletic built, in her mid forties. She looks benevolent and it calms Anya’s heart which started to race against at the impending news from the OR.

“Mrs Woods?”

“Yeah that’s me.”

“So, Alexandria, your sister...?”

“My cousin. She’s my cousin,” Anya fills in.

“Right, your cousin Alexandria is now off surgery. There were no severe internal damages, however there was some internal bleeding from the stomach. We stitched it up. It should heal nicely. Nevertheless, due to her head concussion; I’ve decided to put her in artificial coma.”

“In a coma?”

“It is a perfectly normal procedure. It helps recovering from the internal injuries and it will also help with the major head trauma. We are going to closely monitor her and in week’s time when the suture will be healed enough, we’ll gradually stop help her come out of her artificial coma.”

“And she’ll wake up?”

“She might not wake up straight away; you’ve got to be prepared for that. And there is a very low potential for her to stay in the coma indefinitely.”

Anya doesn’t know how to feel. It’s like she is in a parallel world, this can’t be real...

“Also, I read from her file that she already is a patient of ours.”

“Yeah...”

“For now, her treatment for leukaemia is going to be suspended until she comes out of the coma. I’ll liaise with Dr Forest.”

Anya nods silently. So what does it mean for her leukaemia? She wants to ask this Dr Cooper but she probably doesn’t know. Best is probably to ask for an appointment with Dr Forest. But it can wait. Until tomorrow. For now she wants to see her cousin.

“Can I see her?”

“It’s too late for visits, unfortunately, but you can come back tomorrow at 9am.”

_Of course, it’s past 11pm now so..._ “Alright, I guess it won’t change anything...” sadly says Anya.

Dr Cooper turns towards the nurse Anya saw earlier.

“Amelia, could you please bring Mrs Woods to room 215 for a few minutes then escort her out?” She turns to Anya “That’s the best I can do.”

“Thank you doctor.” Anya shakes Dr Cooper’s hand.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa looks very peaceful; there are only a few bruises and scratches. Pretty much like Clarke a couple of weeks ago. How ironic is that?

“What did you do? Where were you?” Now Anya realises she doesn’t know where the accident was. She turns to the nurse who accompanied her. “Where did she get the accident?”

“It was at the corner of 6th and Madison.”

Anya nods knowingly. Because she knows exactly where Lexa was going. And it breaks her heart.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Clarke sees petals of peonies on the pavement and the road where the commotion occurred last night.

Clarke has always been sort of a flower expert. She guesses that the person was on his/her way to declare his/her love. She hopes the accident was not too bad, whoever this person was, he/she deserves to go through his/her love declaration.

When she’s on the sub, she types a new text message.

 

 

> _It was great seeing you yesterday. I had a great time. I missed this. ;)_

 

Then Clarke selects the recipient in her contact list.

A few moments later her mobile phone vibrates to indicate she received a reply.

 

 

 

> _I had a great time too. I’m sorry I come to you earlier._
> 
>  
> 
> _That’s okay. We are good now. Let’s stay focused on that._
> 
>  
> 
> _You’re right. So, wanna go dress hunting this weekend? The other girls are coming too._
> 
>  
> 
> _This weekend?_
> 
>  
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
>  
> 
> _Count me in._
> 
>  
> 
> _Cool. Meeting up at our place, 2pm._
> 
>  
> 
> _Looking forward to it._

 

Clarke is glad she and Octavia made up yesterday evening. Octavia had showed up unannounced with a bottle of tequila and a pizza as peace offering. They watched trashy TV and gushed about male celebrities. They had a great time. They laughed a lot and they both needed it. It felt like old times. Clarke really thinks that they can salvage their friendship. After all, Octavia never left without giving any news. Maybe going wedding dress hunting will be a great bonding experience.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Abby goes to the main cafeteria for her lunch break, she sees her mentee sitting on her own at a table, staring at her food and not touching it at all.

“Wow, rough morning?”

It takes some time for the words to reach Costia’s brain and even longer for her to register and formulate a response. Finally she says “Yeah you could say that.”

“Let me grab some food and we’ll talk.”

Abby comes back with her tray a few minutes later. She sits down on the opposite side of the table, in front of Costia. She looks at what is supposed to be a vegetable gratin. It looks more like vomit with some bits vaguely looking like they used to be vegetables in a previous life.

“It doesn’t look very appetizing that’s for sure...”

“Yeah...”

“Want to tell me what’s going on?”

“She got into an accident.”

“Who?”

“My patient.”

“The one from 2 months ago?”

“Yeah...”

“Oh...”

“She’s in a coma. We cannot carry on the treatment. It’s screwing up all the good work we’ve done so far.”

“It probably is not a definitive coma; therefore you can resume the treatment once she wakes up and is in good enough shape to bear chemo.”

“I know, it’s just... I don’t know. It feels unfair. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves better.”

“I know... Life is an unfair game but we are here to even the odds when we can.”

“That’s the thing, I can’t do anything.”

“Costia, you’ve got other patients. She is not the only one. You’re helping so many right now. Don’t forget about them.”

“Of course.”

“Want me to have a look at your patient’s file?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay. Let’s finish eating and then I’ll go with you to your office.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Abby, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Well, no, it’s not nothing. It’s Lexa. It’s Lexa Lexa. The one and only Lexa. Her daughter’s Lexa. Shit. Is the entire universe determined to make her suffer?

Costia looks at her mentor quizzically, tilting her head.

“Well, actually I know your patient.”

“Former patient?”

“My daughter’s best friend.”

“Oh...” Now Costia feels uncomfortable. Costia has heard about Abby’s daughter Clarke. She wanders why, if Lexa is Clarke’s best friend, said blonde never came to any chemo session.

It all makes sense to Abby now. Why Lexa was not okay on the phone. She has cancer. Fuck.

“Which room is she in?”

“215.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So, here you are sweetie...”

Lexa looks peaceful.

Abby opens the file Costia has given her. She sits down on the chair next to Lexa’s bed and starts reading. As soon as she sees the accident’s location, she knows...

“She was going to see Clarke.”

Abby’s head snaps to look at who has just entered the room. It’s Anya.

“I guessed that much.”

“Is she going to make it.”

“I’m not her doctor but from what I can read here, I don’t see why not.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Anya looks frozen a meter away from Lexa’s bed.

Abby stands up goes to Anya. “Come here,” she says as she wraps her arms around the tall dark blonde. At first Anya is stiff and doesn’t move a muscle but as the embrace tightens she relaxes and wraps her own arms around the older woman. She then starts sobbing.

“Shhhh, that’s okay. She’s going to be okay.”

Anya nods with her head on Abby’s shoulder.

“She still loves her you know,” whispers Anya.

“I never doubted that.”

Abby gently taps on Anya’s back to signify that she now needs to go.

“Will you tell Clarke or should I?”

“I’d rather do it myself if you don’t mind, she has dinner at home Friday night,” replies Abby.

Today is Tuesday, that’s four days from now. It seems like a long time to wait. Too long in Anya’s mind.

“I don’t want to wait until Friday...”

“Trust me, I know what I’m doing. It’ll be easier.”

“But what if something happens before Friday, what if...”

“Hey! Anya, look at me. Don’t think like that. Nothing is going to happen to Lexa. At the moment she is in a coma, it helps her heal. She will still be in an artificial coma for the next week so nothing will happen to her.”

“Okay...” Still it seems like a long time to wait.

“She is not dying, Anya. She needs time to recover but she will make it. I am sure of that. She is a fighter. Always been. Since Clarke brought her home the first time and they were 7 at the time. Jake and I were impressed by this young warrior with braided hair. She used to protect Clarke against bullies when Clarke had her braces.”

Anya doesn’t know about this. At the time she only saw Lexa at annual family reunions, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and the occasional anniversary or birthday party. She can imagine a young Lexa pushing some bullies in the mud at recess and it makes her smile. Yeah, Lexa has always been a fighter.

“She must have been quite a phenomenon back then.”

“She was. And Clarke was in awe of her.”

“Okay. I won’t tell Clarke. I’ll let you deliver the news.”

“Thanks Anya.”

Abby goes to exit the room. She stops at the door, turns around and says “Don’t stay too long.”

“I’ve got my shift in a few hours.”

Anya didn’t go back to work yesterday. As soon as she came back from the hospital she came straight back home, took a shower and went to bed. She almost didn’t sleep at all until the early hours of the morning. That’s when she finally felt asleep. She woke up around 12pm, called her boss to let him know she was probably be a no show today but he insisted that it would be good for her to change her mind and come to work. _It makes sense. I didn’t sleep last night and visitation hours finish at 8pm anyway. And it’s not like Lexa realises I’m here. Or is she?_

“Alright honey.”

Abby exits.

She comes back in a few seconds later.

“Talk to her.”

Anya frowns.

“Lexa. You can talk to her. She can hear you.”

_Oh..._

“And you can sit on the chair next to her.”

Anya realises she is standing there, all stiff and awkward near the bed but did not think about sitting down next to her cousin.

“It’ll be more comfortable.”

“Thanks,” says Anya as she sits down, finally.

“Alright, I’ll leave you two.”

“Thanks,” smiles Anya. It feels weird to smile considering the circumstances but Abby managed to lighten the mood and Anya cannot help but feel grateful for it.

Anya is now convinced Abby is the right person to deliver the news to Clarke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is scheduled for Wednesday. In the meantime I wish you all a nice start of the week.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	15. Family Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, today is... well... is today let's say. I debated a lot on whether or not I would post today and I decided that I will not let any political event dictate my life. 
> 
> Unfortunately this chapter is not very light (I wish it were but it would make no sense story-wise) however I'm sure you'll all like Raven's scene which gives a lighter mood to this chapter. She is a gem.
> 
> Without further ado, I give chapter 15 (yeah we've reached half of the story!!)

 

 

 

Anya goes to the hospital to visit Lexa every day for a couple of hours. She could stay longer but it’s extremely depressing and while she’s there, she cannot play guitar. Anya is not a professional musician and doesn’t want to become one either. She just likes to play. It’s a stress reliever and also one of her best mean to communicate emotions. When she finished her masters’ degree, she worked full time in an office for 3 years. It was a nightmare. Corporate life was not for her. One day, she decided to re-evaluate her options and came to the conclusion that she’d rather work night shifts at a fancy pub. Sure, the pay was significantly less appealing but she adjusted and felt so much better that she didn’t regret the change of life. Her daily schedule was to wake up round 1pm or 2pm, shower followed by a light snack, then playing guitar for a few hours before getting ready for work. But for the past couple of days, Anya has been visiting Lexa every afternoon. She talks to Lexa a bit but she finds it weird. She’d rather bring her guitar and sing her a few songs but obviously it’s against hospital policy to bring a musical instrument to not disturb other patients.

So here she is, on Thursday afternoon, sitting awkwardly on the chair next to Lexa, trying to talk to her.

“... so Raven came at Grounders yesterday evening and yes we had sex, again. Anyway, now that you know... well, I told her about you and she’ll come visit you later on this afternoon. She’s been wanting to see you since when, well, since you know, everybody knows you’re in town and you’re hiding... By the way, she knows about your leukaemia. And don’t worry, she won’t change her behaviour like you probably fear people would react when they know... well she’s Raven and she... I think I like her. I mean, I know I like her. It’s just more than... well I think I like _like_ her, you know?... well obviously you can’t respond. Anyway, yeah so she’s going to come and I need to go so you won’t be on your own. Not that you’d notice... Okay, this is awkward, am gonna go now. See you tomorrow.”

Anya quickly stands up and makes a bee line for the door. This is definitely too awkward for her. She needs some fresh air.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Later on that day, round 6pm, comes Raven. The brunette has come fully prepared with a take-away box of katsudon, a couple of trashy magazines and a bottle of Arizona blueberry white tea.

“Hi Commander! It’s me, Rae Rae.”

Raven does not feel weird talking to the girl lying on the bed. On the contrary, she goes straight to the chair next to the bed, turns it so that she can face Lexa, pulls the adjustable table next to her to put all she brought with her on it, then makes herself comfortable on the chair. She even puts her legs on the mattress not too far from Lexa’s right hand, though she makes sure that she doesn’t knock any of the wire attached to her index which indicates heart beat.

“So... I’m sure you were not expecting me. Though I told your cous’ that I would drop by. Anyway, I brought all your favourite things so that if you decide to wake up, then maybe we can share. Also I plan on telling you all the embarrassing stuff you don’t want to hear about. Yeah I’m talking about sex. Sex with your cousin. I plan on telling you everything.” Raven looks amusedly at Lexa. She checks the heart monitor but there’s nothing indicating a response.

“Naw... okay, it’d be unfair. I should wait for you to be awake, so that you can fully enjoy the embarassement. BUT, it doesn’t mean I won’t talk to you about the latest celebrities’s scandals. I know you hate them so it’ll be my pleasure to finally bond with you over these juicy-garbage-scoops-nobody-mentally-sane-should-cares-about. Shall we start with _Polis Scandal_ or _The Eye of Founders_? Let’s go with _Polis Scandal_. We can always dish about the other one, after.”

Raven is in the middle of her analysis of _Polis Scandal_ when someone comes in.

“Hi, don’t mind me, I’m just checking the IV.”

“Ok. By the way, can she hear me?”

“Yeah, she can.”

Raven immediately recognises the voice of Abby. She didn’t hear her coming in with the nurse.

“Thanks Beth. I’ll take it from here.”

Beth exits.

“Hi mama G.”

“Hi Raven.”

“Anya told me you’re waiting to tell Clarke...”

“Clarke is totally irrational when it concerns Lexa, I’m not teaching you anything new. She needs to be handled gently.”

“But, it’s Lexa...”

“Jake had cancer too.”

Then Raven connects the dots. She remembers when Jake passed away. It happened during their 3rd semester at University. Clarke had stopped eating, attempted to arm herself and if it were not for Lexa’s unconditional support and patience, it may as well been the end. But Lexa loved her too much and she fought for Clarke to survive, to eat, to go to her lectures, to do her homework when life seemed pointless. She was her rock. Clarke had pushed away everyone around her. Everyone but Lexa. She was the only exception. Well, actually Clarke had tried to push her away too but Lexa had fought for her.

“Do you think that’s the reason why Lexa hasn’t contacted Clarke when she came back in Polis?”

“I think that’s probable.”

Raven thinks this whole situation is messed up. Clarke is going to be crushed when she hears the news. She may have acted like she was okay last week at the exhibition but that’s because she didn’t have a clue about Lexa’s condition. And now with the accident...

“I’m afraid she’s going to shut everyone down. It’s Lexa,” says Raven.

Abby nods. “I’m afraid of that too. She loves Lexa so much, it’s going to crush her. And she will need support. I hope she’ll accept support.”

“Hey, mama G, we are not going to let Clarke or Lexa down. They need our support. Both of them do.”

“But both of them are stubborn to not accept help...”

“We won’t leave them any other choice.” Raven smile reassuringly and it makes Abby sadly smile in return.

“Thanks Raven, you’re a good friend.”

“I’m not a good friend, mama G, I’m the best.”

Abby smiles fondly at that. The girl is really unique in her own way and she’s glad Clarke and Lexa can count on her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s now Friday afternoon and Abby is visiting her patients before the weekend when she sees her daughter walking towards her.

“What are you doing here?” asks Abby, surprised.

“Jackson told me you were visiting your patients and knowing you, it would be a while before you come back to your office....”

“No, I mean, why are you here at the hospital?” Now Abby is worried. Does her daughter know about Lexa? Is that the reason why she’s here? But she doesn’t seem sad or anything...

“I had some extra hours to cash in so I left work earlier. I thought we could drive home together.”

“Oh... okay...”

“Is this bothering you?”

“No, no, no. Of course not. Not at all. I wasn’t expecting you here, that’s all.”

It sounds a bit too much like relief to Clarke’s ears. The blonde wanders what makes her mother uncomfortable.

“Do you prefer for me to wait in your office, then?”

“I’m almost finished, just another couple of patients to see then we can go home. You can wait for me in my office, I won’t be long.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is now sitting in her mother’s office chair. There are so many patients’ folders on her desk. It’s unbelievable that her mother manages to find her way through them. Clarke takes the first one on the main pile and opens it. Clarke is starting to read through the patient’s case when her mother comes back to her office. At the sight, Abby starts panicking a bit. What if she’s reading Lexa’s folder? She knows it’s somewhere on her desk. She immediately scolds herself for not having given the folder back to Costia. She carefully walks towards her desk.

“You know, it’s confidential information...”

Clarke looks up at her. “I hardly doubt that Mrs Hutton will sue me in court for knowing about her appendicitis removal surgery.”

“That’s not the point.”

Clarke closes the folder she was holding a second ago and puts it on another pile. Little does she know that she put Mrs Hutton’s file on Lexa’s.

“Ready to go now?”

“Yeah. Let me just shut down the computer and we can go.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The drive home is fairly quiet. Clarke can sense that something is not right with her mother. _Maybe she’s nervous to finally introduce Marcus to me?_

Abby has been thinking about a million ways how to tell Clarke and it never came out right in her head. It always ends badly in all her scenarios.

“Can you drive me back to my flat after dinner? I’m going dress hunting with Octavia tomorrow.”

“Sure. So you made up with Octavia?”

“We are getting there.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, as long as we don’t mention certain topics, we are good.”

Abby doesn’t need further explanation; she knows what the forbidden topic is. And obviously that’s the same topic she wants to discuss with her daughter.

“So, Marcus, huh?”

“Yeah...”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Marcus arrives at the Griffins at 7pm sharp. He has a bottle of wine and a bouquet of flowers for Abby.

“Marcus, this is my daughter Clarke. Clarke, this is Marcus.”

“Hi Marcus, nice to meet you” says Clarke as she shakes his hand.

“Hi Clarke. Nice to meet you too.”

“Shall we open the bottle?”

Both Marcus and Clarke nod their approval. Abby takes the bottle and goes to the kitchen, leaving her daughter and her lover in the living room.

“So, you’re the artist?”

“Huh?”

“There’s a gallery in the city with some paintings of yours.”

“Oh yeah. An old friend of mine co-owns the gallery and she asked me to participate.”

“I’ve been there last week and I got to tell you, I love your paintings.”

“Thanks.”

“I even bought one.”

“Really? Wow. Which one? I sold a couple.”

“Sky misses Earth.”

“You’re Mr. Kane?”

“That’s me.”

“Wow. You paid way too much, I feel uncomfortable now.”

“You shouldn’t and to be honest, it was not my money.”

Clarke is puzzled. She tilts her head.

“It was my boss’s money.”

“I hope it was not dirty money.”

“Ha ha! No, don’t worry. Perfectly legal funds, I’ve been assured.”

“Good.”

“It is a beautiful watercolour painting anyway.”

“Thanks.”

Abby is now calling them to join her in the dining room.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The meal goes pretty well, they talk about various topics ranging from cooking to politics. Clarke has a good vibe concerning Marcus. He seems to be a good match for her mom and she’s pleased about that. Speaking of her mom though, she seems tense.

Clarke is about to find an excuse to talk to her mom alone when Marcus’s mobile rings. Perfect timing.

“Sorry about that I have to take it. It’s for work.”

Marcus exits the room.

“Mom, relax, I like Marcus.”

Abby gives her daughter her best forced smile. She doesn’t know how she’s going to talk about Lexa...

“He’s good for you. I’m happy for you.”

Abby is really happy that her daughter says that. She wasn’t really expecting a negative reaction from her but still, it is nice to have her endorsement.

Marcus comes back.

“Sorry about that. It’s impolite I know but since my boss’s accident, I’m filling in...”

It immediately clicks in Abby’s mind. In her file, Lexa’s information indicates that she works for 12C. She’s Marcus’s boss. Marcus does talk about his new job with Abby but they never discuss details. They prefer to talk about something else anyway. Or do other activities than talk...

“Marcus, can I borrow you for a second?”

Marcus looks at Abby quizzically.

“Sure.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Is your boss Lexa Woods?” whispers Abby.

“Why are you whispering?”

“Is she your boss?”

“Yes, why? How do you know her?”

“Listen, I don’t have time to give you the full story just yet but I’m going to ask you to do something for me.”

“Sure. What?”

“Please don’t talk about Lexa in front of Clarke. They have history.”

“Oh... okay.”

“I’ll tell you about it later.”

“No need to explain. I will talk about something else. Plus I’d rather focus on something else than work.”

“Good call. Thank you. You’re a star.” Abby leans in to kiss Marcus on the lips.

Clarke arrives at that moment in the kitchen.

“Ewww mom, you couldn’t wait until the end of dinner to smooch your man? Seriously?”

Abby nervously chuckles.

Marcus can sense the tension and in order to lighten the mood he jokes “your mom is irresistibly attracted to my charm, what can I do?”

“Try to make her behave.”

“Let’s go back to the dining room shall we?”

“I’ll join you in. I’ve just got to fetch the jalapenos Tabasco first.”

Abby hopes Clarke didn’t hear her mentioning Lexa. But apparently it doesn’t seem like it’s the case. Gosh, this dinner is so stressful...

 

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of dinner goes quite well, Marcus is making jokes and engage in passionate discussion about art and sport to lighten the mood. Abby relaxes and cannot be thankful enough for Marcus to be such a perfect gentleman.

By the end of dinner though, Abby gets nervous again. She knows the clock is ticking and she must tell Clarke.

Marcus can tell that Abby is withholding something and he decides to live the two women alone.

“Clarke, it has been a pleasure meeting you.”

“Same here.”

“Abby, I’m going to head home. I’ll text you when I arrive.”

“Okay, thanks Marcus.” They briefly kiss on the lips.

Now Clarke and Abby are alone. Abby doesn’t know how to start this.

“So mom, can you still drive me home?”

“Clarke honey, I think it’s best if you stay here tonight.”

“Why? I am meeting with the girls tomorrow and as I fly to TonDC on Sunday, big meeting Monday morning, I’d like to have a bit of time to prepare my luggage...”

“Clarke, there is something we need to talk about...”

“Mom, if this is about Lexa...” Abby holds her breath. _Could she know? No, that’s impossible, she would be devastated, heartbroken..._ “... She has her life, I have mine. And that’s okay. She doesn’t want to see me and I will respect that. I don’t even know if I want to see her either, after what she’s...”

“Lexa wants to see you.”

“What are you talking about? How would you know?”

“I know.”

“Mom, if it’s just a hunch, I’m sorry but I’ve got to tell you...”

“She just cannot do it at the moment.”

“Right, she’s too much of a coward to...”

“She’s at the hospital.”

“What?” That was not the answer Clarke was expecting.

“Sit down, baby.”

Clarke is now speechless and in a state of shock.

“Lexa was on her way to see you on Monday when she got into an accident...”

“... When? Where?”

“Monday evening round 7pm on your street.”

Clarke’s mind immediately goes to her memories of the evening. She does recall an accident happening with ambulance coming. She also recalls seeing flower petals on the road and pavement the morning after. Peonies. To say I love you. Lexa has always known Clarke was a bit of a flower aficionada and it now it all makes sense... Clarke feels lightheaded all of a sudden.

“How is she?”

“At the moment she is under artificial coma.”

Clarke cannot believe what she hears. It’s unreal. This cannot be real. She doesn’t realise tear pools are forming in her eyes. And in her mother’s eyes too.

“Baby, she needs you.”

“I want to see her.”

“I know you do baby and you will, tomorrow. I will go with you.”

Clarke is in too much shock to really process the news. Lexa has been hurt. She was on her way to see her. She got into an accident while she was coming back to her.

Abby immediately hugs her daughter as she is sobbing.

“Shhh... baby, it’s going to be alright. Lexa is a fighter; she’s going to make it.”

Clarke nods with her head in her mother’s arms.

Abby chooses to not tell Clarke about Lexa’s leukaemia. Clarke is shaken enough for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations, you made it till the end of the chapter :) Next time, Clarke finally sees Lexa!!! And it's going to be emotional, of course.
> 
>  
> 
> Please, take care of yourselves wherever you are. If you need help, don't hesitate to reach out to friends/family. Don't let one person ruin our lives. Stay strong as Commander Lexa would do.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	16. Seeing you again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in a day? Wow, am on fire... But today I feel like I needed to give you this so here it is: Clarke finally sees Lexa again for the first time in 5 years.

 

 

 

 

Clarke managed to sleep for a couple of hours. Abby hold her all night in her arms, in her bedroom. At first Clarke had tried to sleep in her childhood bedroom but there were too many reminders of Lexa that she couldn’t stop crying. So she ended up in Abby’s bedroom, weeping in her mother’s arms.

At 9am, Abby wakes Clarke up.

“Baby girl, wake up,” whispers Abby as she caresses her daughter’s cheek.

“What time is it? Can we go now?”

“Yes baby, we can go. But first I’d like for you to eat something.”

“I can’t. I don’t want to. I’m not hungry.”

“I know that baby but you need to.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 9.15am Clarke is already waiting in her mother’s car. She looks like a zombie. Abby locks the front door and when she walks towards her car, she cannot help but feel heartbroken for her daughter. _And she doesn’t know yet about the leukaemia_...

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 9.51am, Abby parks her car in the visitor’s car park. Clarke is frozen. Abby has to help her get out of the car.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At 9.59am, Clarke and Abby are standing outside Lexa’s hospital room, holding hands.

“Come on baby, you can make it.”

Clarke swallows hard then opens the door and she finally sees her. Lexa. Her Lexa. She is here, peacefully laying on her hospital bed, eyes closed and a few tubes attached to her. There are a couple of monitors near the head of the bed giving information on her heart beat, pressure and brain activity.

Clarke is frozen at the doorstep. Abby lightly pushes her into the room.

“Go talk to her.”

Clarke carefully approaches the bed. She cannot believe this is real. Lexa is here. She is so beautiful that it hurts. She has a few bruises and scratches but she can tell they are a few days old as they are already healing or fading.

After what feels like an infinite amount of time, Clarke right hand instinctively reaches for Lexa’s. The first contact in 5 years is electric. It’s as if Clarke was suddenly reconnected with a missing part of herself.

“Hey,” whispers Clarke to Lexa, very timidly.

Clarke’s thumb draws light circles on the back of Lexa’s hand. She doesn’t let go of Lexa’s hand.

“I’m here, Lex.”

Abby knows her daughter needs some alone time with Lexa and decides to leave the room.

“Clarke, baby, I’ll be in the cafeteria. Take your time.”

Clarke barely acknowledges that her mum is leaving. She cannot tear her eyes from Lexa. God, she missed Lexa so much.

Clarke approaches a bit more. She never let’s go of Lexa’s hand.

“You were coming to see me. I know. You were coming back to me. I know...” Clarke is sobbing again.

Clarke is now caressing Lexa’s cheeks, barely touching the skin as if a stronger touch could hurt the sleeping girl.

“I need you to get better. I need you back in my life. I need you.” The words barely make it through her choked breaths.

“Lexa...” Clarke leans in to kiss Lexa on her forehead. Her tears roll from her cheeks to Lexa’s head. Clarke immediately realises and dry Lexa’s forehead with her shirt’s sleeve.

A nurse enters the room to check on Lexa’s IV. Clarke doesn’t acknowledge her at all. But the nurse can see Clarke’s distress and asks her “I can bring you a box of tissue if you want?”

Clarke doesn’t respond, she is in her own world. A world where only Lexa exists.

The nurse comes back a few minutes later with a box of tissue. She puts the box on the adjustable table near Lexa’s bed. Clarke still hasn’t stopped looking at Lexa’s face for a moment.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Abby is sipping on a cup of coffee in the cafeteria when Costia comes to her.

“What are you doing here today?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I brought Clarke with me to see Lexa.”

“Oh...”

“What about you then?”

“I have a couple of appointments with patients this afternoon. I decided to come a bit earlier to check on... well, on Lexa.”

“Right. Listen Costia, I should tell you something in case you... well... I think you should know that Lexa and Clarke are very close.”

“You told me they were best friends yeah I do remember.”

“No, I mean very close, like very very close... God, they are in love with each other.”

“Oh...” Costia didn’t see that one coming. “Right. Okay...”

“I’m just telling you so that you don’t have false hope...”

“I know, she is my patient. It’s strictly out of professional interest.”

“Right.”

Costia feels extremely uncomfortable because she did have hope that maybe...

“You can go see her, that’s not a problem but at the moment Clarke is with her so... Also don’t tell her about Lexa’s cancer please.”

Costia doesn’t want to get involved in a complicated situation and this sure seems like a complicated one. She is fond of Lexa yes but now that she knows she’s already in love with someone else, it’s not worth the heart ache. Plus it’s unprofessional anyway.

Costia decides to go see Lexa even if Clarke is with her at the moment. It’ll just be for a moment, to check her vitals.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hi my name is Dr Forest but you can call me Costia,” says the doctor as she gives her hand to Clarke.

Clarke tears her eyes from Lexa’s face for a brief moment to look at the intruder. She doesn’t shake her hand. She doesn’t want to let go of Lexa, not even for a second.

“Hello.”

“You must be Clarke?”

Clarke looks at her again, wandering what this doctor wants to annoy her with.

“I’m Lexa’s doctor.”

Oh... “How is she doing?”

“Her stitches are healing nicely from what we could see in the last scan. And the concussion is resorbing itself nicely too. We will cut her off thiopental in a couple of days.”

“How long before she wakes up?”

“I cannot tell you that. It depends on her.”

Clarke caresses Lexa’s cheeks and says “You’re a fighter, aren’t you?”

Costia wants to second that but it feels inappropriate. Even if Abby hadn’t told her earlier, she can tell the blonde girl is in love with her patient. It’s very obvious from the sad heart eyes she shoots at her and the soft touches. It also didn’t go unnoticed that Clarke has her fingers laced with Lexa’s. It is obvious that there is a strong bond here.

Costia checks Lexa’s vitals on the various machines she’s attached to, while observing the blonde out of the corner of her eye.

Clarke can feel Costia gaze on her and it irritates her a bit. She doesn’t like being scrutinized and at this very moment she does not want to be observed by anyone, she wants to be alone with Lexa. Costia is like a threat to her right now.

“Are you done?” It comes out a bit more hostile than initially intended. But Clarke doesn’t care. She wants the scrutinizing to stop.

“Yep, all good.” Costia feels like she’s been caught and it’s uncomfortable to say the least. “I’ll leave you...”

“Thanks.”

Costia escapes the room as quickly as possible now. _Well, that was awkward._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Abby comes back in Lexa’s room for lunch. Clarke is sitting on the bedside, holding Lexa’s hand and talking in a low voice to her.

“... and who is she anyway? Couldn’t she see that you were not alone? How rude is that...”

Abby clears her throat and Clarke’s head turns towards the room’s entrance.

“Who were you talking about?”

“Dr Forest. She came in just like that and kept staring at us.”

Abby internally smiles that her daughter is referring to Lexa and herself as _us_ again. Like in the good old days before Lexa left...

 “Costia is Lexa’s doctor.”

“Yeah she said so. But it doesn’t give her to permission to intrude...”

“Come on baby you know she was only there to check up on Lexa’s vitals.”

Clarke knows she’s being irrational but she cannot help feeling over protective with Lexa. Her Lexa. And yeah maybe it has a bit to do with jealousy... So what? She’s being possessive and she has the right to be. Lexa is her best friend. Hers. Not her doctor’s.

“Come with me to eat a bit.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I don’t care, you’re coming with me.”

“I don’t want to leave Lexa alone.”

“She would want for you to have lunch. A healthy one at that.”

That’s true. Clarke knows Lexa would insist upon that. _Always go for the healthy option if you can_ , that’s what she used to tell Clarke all the time, though the blonde made it a point to opt for junk food just to annoy her best friend. Today she will eat healthy. For Lexa. Because Lexa would want that.

“Okay but after that we come right back here.”

“Okay honey.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 2.10pm Clarke’s phone starts to ring. She was so busy staring at Lexa that she totally forgot about meeting with Octavia and the girls for dress hunting.

“Where are you? We are waiting for you.”

“O, I can’t come.”

“Why?”

“I’m with Lexa. At PFH. She’s been in an accident. She’s under an induced coma.”

“Oh shit...” There’s an evident unease coming from Octavia’s side of the line. Harper, Monroe and Maya are with her and none of them know about Lexa’s condition.

“I need to stay here.”

“Yes of course. I understand... Actually you know what, we’ll come too.”

“I’d rather stay alone with her. Don’t take it wrong...”

“No problem, I understand. We’ll stop by tomorrow instead.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Clarke spends all afternoon holding Lexa’s hand, caressing her arm and her cheeks while looking at her. She only leaves the room once for a bathroom break.

Abby would love for her daughter to take some fresh air but she knows very well that she will insist on staying here with Lexa for as long as she can.

On Saturdays visiting hours finish at 6pm which means that at 5.45pm a nurse comes in to warn visitors to be ready to leave for the day.

Clarke doesn’t want to leave. She wants to stay here with Lexa.

“Mom, please. I need to stay here with Lexa.”

“You need some sleep baby. You’re exhausted...”

Clarke tightens her hold on Lexa’s hand. “I won’t sleep if I’m not here. I barely slept last night. Please...”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“All right, I’ll talk to the chief nurse.”

“Thanks mom.”

“But tomorrow, you head back home first thing in the morning. You’ve got your flight to catch.”

Clarke was actually thinking about calling in sick... Abby guesses that right away.

“You need to go Clarke, that’s your job. Lexa wouldn’t allow it. Plus I am here. Anya and Raven also come visit.”

Clarke realises at that moment that she didn’t even think about Anya. _Of course, it makes sense that she knows but then how come she didn’t tell me then? And why would Raven know before me too? Is there something I don’t know?_

“Mom, is there something else you want to tell me?”

Abby swallows hard.

“I’m letting you stay here for the night. I’ll check on her every day and will send you updates.”

“Okay. But as soon as I’m back on Friday next week, we need to discuss.”

Abby nods silently.

Clarke can sense that there is something else, something her mother doesn’t tell her. She is determined to find out. Maybe she should call Anya and also ask her how come Raven did know about Lexa’s accident before her.

Abby leaves at 6pm after confirming with the chief nurse that it was okay for Clarke to stay the night. Being a surgeon surely gives her some advantages in terms of favours.

Clarke is being given a blanket and she tries to comfortably settle on the chair next to Lexa’s bed while still holding her hand. She tries a million different positions and still cannot find one comfortable setting. In the end she gives up and jump on Lexa’s bed and curls on Lexa’s right side careful not to disconnect the pulsing wiring attached to her finger and avoiding the tube coming out of Lexa’s left arm.

Clarke can feel Lexa’s body warmth and it reassures her. She puts her head on Lexa’s shoulder. It feels weirdly right. Lexa doesn’t react but still, Clarke feels like it is where her head should be. She slightly moves her head so that now her nose is grazing Lexa’s neck. It smells a bit like hospital detergent but it also faintly smells like Lexa. Her brain analysis the odour and immediately associates it with memories of her and Lexa hugging, or holding each other, or better yet clinging to each other when they were having a sleep over during their high school’s years. Clarke caresses Lexa’s neck with the tip of her nose, inhaling the girls smell before leaning in to give it a peck.

“Good night Lex.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think about this chapter?
> 
> I haven't started writing chapter 17 yet so next update will not be before Saturday now.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	17. Stronger than you think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi to you all, hope you're doing relatively well considering the situation in America... 2016 really sucks... Anyway, let's focus on our story here.
> 
> Without further ado (and 1 day earlier than initially scheduled) I give you chapter 17. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

Clarke feels Lexa stirring against her. Clarke immediately opens her eyes and looks for any sign of Lexa’s awakening. Her eyelids are twitching. Clarke cannot believe it is truly happening, Lexa is waking up. Clarke holds her breath.

Lexa slowly opens her eyes. Clarke is frozen.

Lexa now has her eyes fully open and Clarke is still holding her breath.

Lexa turns her head towards Clarke.

“Hey,” the brunette breathes.

And Clarke finally exhales a sigh of relief.

“Hey you.” She shyly grins at her best friend who just woke up. 5 years. 5 long years. 5 awfully long years without knowing where Lexa was, how she was... 5 years hoping for her return. And then she came back in Polis but didn’t come to see her. Instead she waited until she finally decided to come and she got into an accident which led her to be here in hospital. And now that she’s here, Lexa finally wakes up. And Clarke still has her body glued to Lexa’s from sleeping on her bed, cuddled to her best friend. Are they still best friend? Can they still be friends?

Lexa seems surprised to see her here. Clarke can read in the brunette’s eyes that she didn’t expect to wake up with Clarke next to her. It seems to make her feel uncomfortable. Clarke immediately tries to put some distance between Lexa and her. She almost stumbles in an attempt to “gracefully” stand up from the bed. Lexa observes her. Clarke cannot decipher what her expression means. Is she making her uncomfortable?  The idea that Clarke could make Lexa uncomfortable is hurting the blonde’s heart.

“I... I...” Clarke doesn’t know what to say. It’s awkward. It was not supposed to be like this. First of all, Clarke had not imagined her reunion with Lexa in a hospital. And in all the scenarios she came up with, Lexa was... still her Lexa. Her Lexa from 5 years ago. The one who tenderly kissed her a week before her wedding. The one who was in love with her. The one she was in love with but was too blind to realise it. Clarke would have said _I’m sorry for not having understood before. Now I know, I love you too._ And Lexa would have smiled and probably shed a tear and they would have kissed and all would have felt right, as it should be. But now... now... Clarke is speechless.

“I’m thirsty.” It’s barely a whisper coming out of Lexa’s dry throat. Clarke immediately grabs the jug of water the nurse left on the table and pours a drink for Lexa. She gives the glass to Lexa. Their hands touch and it’s cold. Clarke’s heart clenches in her chest. It was supposed to be electrifying to touch the woman she is in love with. Except it’s not. Something is wrong. This is not supposed to happen like that. This can’t be it. It can’t.

“Thanks,” says Lexa as she hands the glass back to Clarke.

Clarke waits for Lexa to say something more but as the brunette remains silent, she decides to speak. This pregnant silence is killing her.

“So... you came back to Polis, huh?”

“Yeah...” and then... nothing more. Lexa doesn’t give more information.

“Are you staying?”

“I don’t know.”

_Right..._

“Is it because of me?”

“What is because of you?”

“Am I the reason you’re not sure if you want to stay?”

“No.”

 _So, what is? Tell me please?_ Clarke’s heart is shrinking on itself inside her ribcage and it is getting borderline unbearable.

“What made you come back?”

“Work.”

Clarke is getting sick of the short and cold answers. She wants to know if Lexa still has feelings for her, if it’s not too late to address and explore their potential together...

“Were you coming to see me... when you got the accident?”

Clarke holds her breath. It seems like an eternity before Lexa replies. “It was a mistake.”

Clarke is crushed. It’s like a bus ran her over. This is not what she expected, though from the laconic answers Lexa has given her since she woke up, deep down she was suspecting a retraction from the brunette.

“Why the peonies then?”

Lexa seems caught and for a brief moment there is regret and grief (and love maybe) in her eyes. But it passes almost as soon as it appeared. A stoic Commander mask is now on full display for the blonde. But Clarke saw. She saw emotions in Lexa’s eyes.

“You’ve been a friend...” Clarke chokes at that _A friend? Just a friend?_ “... for years and it seemed appropriate to express appreciation for the past friendship.” _So it_ _means we no longer are friends?_

“Right...” Clarke can feel tears forming in her eyes. She tries to control her emotions by taking deep breaths. “Well, if you want to talk to me, I’m here now.”

And Clarke waits. Lexa doesn’t say anything just yet but she looks like she’s trying to formulate an answer but isn’t sure if it’s the right one.

“Maybe it’s best if I come back another time?” Clarke doesn’t want to make Lexa uncomfortable and this silence is killing her. She needs to get out of here.

Lexa seems to be fighting a battle inside her own head.

Clarke must go out of here. She needs some fresh air. She is suffocating in here.

“Clarke...” God, she missed hearing her name coming out of Lexa’s mouth. And it hurts. “... you shouldn’t be here.”

Clarke is stunned. She doesn’t know what to answer to that. _What? What does this mean? Why are you saying this? Are you kicking me out? Is this really happening?_

“I think it’s best if you don’t come back.” It’s cold. And it hurts like a bitch. Clarke wants to throw up.

“If you say so...” Clarke is hurt in her pride. She cannot believe Lexa is telling her that. It’s unconceivable. This is definitely not the Lexa she used to know. It’s a nightmare. And she can no longer restrain her tears from rolling onto her cheeks.

 

 

It is a nightmare.

 

 

It truly is a nightmare.

 

 

 

 

“Clarke? Clarke? Wake up, Princess.”

Clarke faintly hears a voice speaking to her. Then she feels a pair of hands slightly shaking her arm. She suddenly opens her eyes. She is still in Lexa’s hospital bed, cuddled to the brunette who just asked her to not come back a minute ago in her nightmare. And being near Lexa hurts right now. What if it was not all in her head? What if it was a forecast of what is to come?

Clarke cannot stand being so close to Lexa, not right now. Clarke stands up and looks at Octavia who just woke her up. She feels disoriented and Octavia can see it.

“Are you okay Clarke? You were crying...”

Clarke then realises that her cheeks are wet with tears. _God, this felt so real..._

“I need to go” she says to Octavia. Because she cannot bear the thought that what she just lived in her dream could happen right now. And she wouldn’t be dreaming...

“Are you sure you’re okay? You seem distressed...”

“I have to go home, pack my bag. I have a plane to catch this afternoon. For Ton DC.”

“Okay. Do you need a ride?”

“I’ll take the sub.”

“Alright.” Octavia doesn’t insist.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as Clarke is out of the hospital she lets out a relief sigh and takes a handful of deep breaths.

She grabs her cellphone and calls Anya.

It’s only 9.35am and she must be asleep having returned from her shift only a couple of hours ago but right now Clarke doesn’t care. She needs to talk to Anya.

She calls 3 times before Anya picks up the phone.

“Why didn’t she want to see me?”

“Morning to you too...”

“Why? Tell me why.”

“Have you talked with Abby?”

“What does this mean? What are you hiding?”

“Listen, Clarke, I wanted to tell you but Abby preferred...” Anya sounds fully awake now.

“Stop beating around the bush, Anya, tell me the fucking truth.” Clarke cannot stand this anymore. She needs to know. She can sense it, there is something they are not telling her.

Anya seems to hesitate for a brief moment before replying, coldly “Lexa has leukaemia.”

Clarke’s hand goes slack and her mobile slips from her hand to end up on the ground screen smashed.

“Clarke?” a small voice comes from the agonizing apparel on the pavement.

Clarke instinctively squats to retrieve her mobile and puts it back to her ear, all in autopilot mode.

“Clarke, it’s all messed up. She acts like she is all tough and shit, but she’s scared. And the worst part is that she is more scared of your reaction than her fucking leukaemia. Clarke, she wants to shield you from this, she loves you... Clarke? Are you still there?”

Clarke is stunned. It’s all too much.

“Does Raven know this?”

“Yes.” Anya doesn’t even ask how she got the information.

“Are you two sleeping together?”

“Yes.” _Well, at least Clarke is perceptive_ , thinks Anya.

“Is Dr Forest her doctor for –“

“Yes.”

“How many chemo-”

“3 completed.”

Clarke makes a mental note and calculates that Lexa must have arrived almost 3 months ago now. 3 months.

“Is there something else I should know?”

“No.”

“In that case, I must go. I have a plane to catch this afternoon and I haven’t packed yet.”

“Okay.” Anya doesn’t insist, she guesses Clarke must be in shock.

Clarke is indeed in shock but now it all makes sense. Lexa has seen the devastating effect her father’s death had on Clarke. Lexa knows it would break her heart to face yet another death like that. And Lexa loves her too much that she wants to protect Clarke’s heart at any cost. Clarke is furious. Does Lexa really think she is not strong enough to face this? And her mom? Of course she must know and that’s why she’s been over-shielding her these last few days... Clarke is fuming with anger. _Who do they think I am? I’m not a fucking baby._

Clarke leaves for TonDC in the afternoon, as scheduled.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya calls Abby to let her know she told Clarke about Lexa’s cancer. Anya is pissed that Abby didn’t tell her in the first place. And Abby is feeling guilty. Hell, she’s been feeling guilty since Tuesday when she learned the whole story. She knows she’s been over-protective over her daughter. And she knows Clarke must be mad at her. She tries to call her but of course the blonde doesn’t pick up her phone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday morning Clarke attends the board meeting in Trikru’s plant and it is announced by Dante Wallace that after a rough start the transfer is now officially starting. He thanks Clarke for her continuous effort these past few weeks and that from now on Indra will take over on the plant side. Clarke can stay in Polis’s headquarters. She will only travel once a month for the progress review meeting.

Indra thanks Clarke for all the good work and that they should celebrate with a drink before she flies back to Polis on Friday. Clarke accepts immediately. She indeed needs a drink. More than one actually.

In the evening she checks her phone. Though the screen is smashed the machine still works but it’s difficult to read the messages. However she can tell Abby tried to call her 5 times. Clarke doesn’t call back.

Abby sends her a text message telling her that Lexa’s condition is stable and that they are cutting her from the drugs. They are letting her out of her induced coma.

Back at her hotel, Clarke orders a pizza and empties the mini fridge.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Tuesday, Clarke goes into town during lunch break to buy a new mobile. Work keeps her mind busy and she is grateful for it. In the evening, she decides to go have a drink in a bar, on her own. 12 different men try to buy her a drink. She refuses every single one.

Before crashing into her hotel bed, she sees that Abby tried to call her 3 times. She doesn’t call back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Wednesday, Indra invites her for a drink after work in a local bar. Wednesday is ladies night. 2 drinks for the price of 1. Clarke downs a total of 6 mojitos. The next day, Clarke goes to work as if she hasn’t drank a single drop of alcohol the night before. Indra is impressed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Friday evening, Clarke leaves TonDC. When she turns on her phone as her plane is taxied to the terminal of Polis airport, she sees that she hasn’t got any missed calls. That’s when she decides to call her mother.

On the taxi back to her flat, Clarke calls Abby.

“Clarke?”

Clarke is annoyed. _Of course, it’s me. My ID appears on your fucking screen when I call. Take a deep breath..._

“How is she?”

“She is stable but she hasn’t woken up yet.”

“How long will it take?”

“I don’t know.”

“Does it affect her treatment?”

“Chemo is out of the question for now. She needs to...”

“... wake up. Got it.”

“Is there any other alternative?”

“No.”

“Ok.”

There is a pregnant silence for a moment.

“I’m sorry.” Abby apologies.

“I’m an adult. I can handle difficult situations. Stop trying to protect me like I’m a child. I am stronger than you seem to think I am.”

“I know you’re strong.”

“No, visibly not. But I don’t want to talk about it now. Lexa is my priority.”

“Of course.”

“I want to meet with her doctor. Costia.”

“Of course.”

“Tomorrow. Can you do that?”

“I’ll call her. Yes.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is no longer under an induced coma which means that she can now wake up. The question is: when?  
> Is Clarke ready for that? It's been an intense 2 weeks, a true emotional rollercoaster... How well will she cope with all that?
> 
> Thanks again for you all, my readers. I cannot thank you enough for all the kudos and comments. It means a lot. THANK YOU.
> 
>  
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	18. Clarke's property

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello to you all, I hope you're having a nice weekend so far.
> 
> Without further ado I give you "Clarke's property" ;)

 

 

 

 

Clarke arrives at PFH at 1pm on the Saturday. She has an appointment with Dr Forest at 2pm. But she wants to see Lexa before.

Lexa is still laying on her hospital bed, peacefully asleep. There are still a couple of tubes coming out of her arm but she noticed that one of the pouch is no longer there. The drug that used to maintain her in induced coma. So really she could wake up anytime now. It’s up to Lexa.

“Hey Lex. How are you today?”

Of course there is no response, as Clarke expected it but it still feels disappointing to the blonde.

Clarke walks to the bed, sits on the chair and takes Lexa’s hand. She interlaces their fingers then takes Lexa’s hand to her face so that the back of Lexa’s hand can caress her cheek.

“I am afraid.” There she said it. Clarke is afraid.

“I am afraid that you will push me away, to shield me from your condition because of dad, because you know, oh yes you do, how hard it was for me... but I won’t let you. You need me as much as I need you. I’m still your best friend. I always will be. And if that’s all we can be, then it’s okay. I will accept it but please don’t push me away. I want to be here for you. I want to fight with you...”

Clarke feels tears gathering in her eyes and menacing to rain upon her face.

“I love you.”

And it’s like a huge weight has finally been lifted. Yes she loves Lexa and she’s known for quite some time now but she never said it to her. Well, technically Lexa is sleeping so it’s not like Clarke said it to her waiting for a reply. Clarke said it for herself. Because she felt the need to tell Lexa. And also to hear herself saying it to Lexa. And let me tell you, it feels pretty good for Clarke. It feels right, it resonates true to her heart. And though she is now crying she feels better than a week ago.

“I’m going to take care of you. It’s going to be you and me.”

Clarke squeezes Lexa’s hand and for a second she can almost feel Lexa squeezing back. Clarke immediately looks at the monitors near Lexa’s bed but there’s nothing out of the ordinary pattern on the screens. She must have imagined it.

Clarke carefully looks at Lexa’s face for any sign of awakening but there is none. She is undisturbed, her eyelids are still closed and there is no eye movement underneath that could indicate that she dreams or is about to wake. It’s almost like she is dead. Only the slight movement of her chest raising and falling indicates that she still breaths. Her complexion is fairer than usual but it’s still lively pinkish.

Clarke refocuses her attention on Lexa’s hands, especially the one she is still holding. Lexa has always had long thin fingers. They seem skinnier now. Lexa could have been a great musician with such hands. Anya taught her how to play the guitar during the year they spent together at Gustus’s house and though she was quite talented she never pursued it once Anya left for university. Clarke has always thought it was a shame. When Lexa wakes up she will try to convince to start playing again. And thinking about it she would love for Lexa to serenade her...

Clarke’s cell phone suddenly vibrates to indicate she has received a text.

 

>             _Hey! Wanna go for a drink tonight?_

Clarke would rather stay with Lexa but she knows she will not be allowed to stay like last week. Abby had pulled some strings but it wouldn’t be fair to ask for favours all the time. Plus Lexa is asleep so maybe going for a drink is a good idea. It would take the edge off.

 

>             _Okay. Usual, 8pm?_

Octavia immediately respond with an affirmative.

When Clarke checks her phone again she can see that it is now 1.50pm. It’s almost time for her appointment with Costia.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Good afternoon Miss Griffin,” says Costia as she offers her hand to shake.

Clarke hesitates then shakes Costia’s hand. “Afternoon, Doctor Forest.”

“Please call me Costia.”

“Good. Then call me Clarke.”

“What can I do for you?”

“I want to talk about Lexa.”

“Lexa is my patient...”

“I know about Lexa’s leukaemia.”

“You also know I cannot discuss my patient’s case...”

“Is there something between you and Lexa?” Clarke can swear that she sensed something last week when she came to check on Lexa.

“What?”

“You heard me, is there something between you and...” It’s not an accusatory tone but it’s definitely a firm one.

“Lexa is my patient. It would be unprofessional...”

“But you wish for more?” Now, that sounds accusatory and Clarke feels bad because Costia really seems like a good person and she would probably deserve someone like Lexa. But Clarke doesn’t want to think about that eventuality.

“No, no. No.”

Clarke is not blind, she knows. She can tell Costia considers Lexa as more than a patient. A potential for more. And it scares her because she’s definitely an eye catch.

“Is she... as she given you ground to believe...?”

“No. No.”

Clarke feels slightly relieved but it’s short lived as she recalls last week’s nightmare. Lexa pushing her away...

“Clarke, I can assure you that our relationship is purely medical. I’m her doctor and she is my patient. That’s it. Nothing more.”

“Sorry... I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have asked... It’s just that I’m overwhelmed with all this...” Clarke wants to cry again. She scolds herself for feeling this emotional all the time. She used to be stronger. Well, that was when Lexa was there, by her side, as her best friend and best support system in all circumstances. Now she’s an emotional mess.

“I understand. Lexa is special.” _And I can tell you already know this..._

“Yes, she is special.” _Oh yes I know that._

Costia feels uncomfortable. She doesn’t know what to say. She knows from Abby that Clarke and Lexa are in love with each other but are not together. And now Clarke is here, making sure she knows Lexa is not available... though she doesn’t say it clearly, it is as clear as water that Clarke is claiming Lexa. Costia may feel an attraction to her patient but it never can be and she is fine with it. It would be a breach of her moral code, not to mention unprofessional.

“I can assure you that there is nothing more than her treatment between Lexa and I.”

“Thank you. For... well... you know...”

“You do not need to thank me. I am only doing my job.”

“You know what I mean.”

Costia nods silently.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke spends the rest of the afternoon with Lexa, talking to her, telling her about her week in TonDC and the ridiculous amount of alcohol she downed. At 6pm when visiting hours finish she kisses Lexa on the forehead before heading back to her flat.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Lex.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 8.15pm Clarke is fashionably late to meet with Octavia at Grounders. Monroe and Harper are there too.

“Hey Clarke, how are you holding up?”

“I don’t know... I’m waiting for Lexa to wake up.”

“Lexa will be so happy to see you,” states Monroe.

“I don’t know.” Clarke doubts. She hopes she will but she can’t be certain.

“We know,” affirms Harper.

Octavia nods vigorously. It is obvious Lexa still loves Clarke. There is no shadow of a doubt.

Clarke would like to talk about something else. Right now she doesn’t feel comfortable discussing Lexa’s or her feelings. She goes to the bar to order a drink. Octavia follows her. Anya is there, bartending for the night. When she sees both girls, she simply shakes her head to say hello.

“Hi ladies, what can I get you?” asks a new bartender they never seen before. Her nametag says _Liz_.

“Hi Liz. A vodkatiny and a mojito please,” answers Octavia.

“Coming right up.”

Back at the table, Maya and Jasper have arrived. Clarke is happy to see them, especially Jasper as he is able to lighten the mood instantly with his jokes. He seems so happy with Maya and she surely has a positive influence on him.

Then Lincoln joins them later. Now Clarke feels like the third wheel and she doesn’t like that. She wishes Lexa was here. She would probably complain about the loud music and the impossibility to have a discussion at normal human voice level but she would be there for her. Like she used to be.

At some point during the night, Clarke is drunk enough to finally ignore the dull ache in her chest every time she sees a couple being affectionate towards each other. She excuses herself to go to the bar. She wants to talk to Anya.

“Hey you! I wanna talk to you.”

“Hi Clarke. I’m working right now.”

“It’s okay, you can take a quick break,” says Liz.

Anya nods her thanks and gestures at the blonde to follow her.

Outside, at the back of the bar, Anya retrieves her pack of cigarettes and brings one to her lips. She extends the pack to Clarke who refuses.

“What do you want to talk about, Clarke?” asks Anya as she lights her cigarette.

“Are you avoiding me?”

Anya looks at her like she is mad.

“I mean at the hospital, I haven’t seen you...”

“You need space, I give you space. Simple.”

“Stop it. Lexa is your cousin and a little bit like your sister too. If you want to see her when I’m there, then go see her.”

“Okay.”

“And Raven?”

“What about Raven?”

“Is it serious?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I guess. I think so.”

“Good.”

Anya nods at her once and slightly smiles. Anya was not waiting for any kind of approval but as Clarke is her friend and as she seems to approve whatever this is with Raven, it makes her feel good.

“If you want to come see Lexa with her while I’m here, you can. I won’t tell...”

“It’s not exactly a secret...”

“So it’s official?”

“No. We are figuring it out.”

“Good. In any case, as I said, you can come...”

“Noted.”

Then there’s a silence. But it’s not uncomfortable. On the contrary, it feels like words are unnecessary and it’s refreshing.

“I think I’ve been a bitch to Costia,” blurts Clarke.

“Why? What have you done?”

“I went to see her today and I pretty much claimed Lexa.”

“You claimed her? And how did you do that? Did you write _Clarke’s property_ on Lexa’s forehead?”

It makes Clarke chuckles. This feels good to have Anya joke about her.

“No. But I indirectly told her to back off.”

“I wish I had been there.”

“Yeah...” Then Clarke doubts “Do you really think Lexa still loves me?”

“Oh my God! How many times do I need to tell you this? She is batshit crazy about you.”

“I love her.”

“I know you do.” Anya feels like she is a broken record always telling the blonde about Lexa loving her. She truly hopes Lexa will wake up sooner rather than Lexa to tell her herself. That’s probably the only option for Clarke to stop doubting. Unless... “What do you do tomorrow?”

“I’ll be with Lexa, why?”

“I’ll meet you there and then you’ll come with me. I want to show you Lexa’s flat.”

“Ok.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke comes back to her flat round 2am and as soon as her head hits the pillow she closes her eyes in exhaustion.

A few minutes later she is asleep, her mind reeling about memories of Lexa at Grounders during their university years. Especially one time when Lexa accepted to dance but only after downing 4 cocktails beforehand. It was a Michael Jackson’s tribute night and Lexa had danced to Thriller and Beat it. Clarke had laughed so hard. She was extremely proud of her best friend knowing the whole choreography to perfection. Clarke now knows that at that moment the butterflies she had felt invading her belly were caused by more than pride. She was already in love with Lexa.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course Clarke doesn't consider Lexa as her property but she wants potential rivals to know that Lexa is not on the market, not until she says so (and she hopes not).
> 
> Next chapter, Clarke will go to Lexa's flat and she's on for some surprises...
> 
> Until then, have a nice end of weekend and a great start of the week :)
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	19. Lexa's flat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all :)
> 
> This chapter has been reviewed by my new friend and beta-reader Nathan :) Thanks again mate :)
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 19, enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clarke and Anya meet in Lexa’s hospital bedroom on Sunday afternoon. Lexa is still asleep, unaware of the two most important people in her life being there, only inches away from her.

Clarke and Anya talk about a few mundane things before approaching the matter of Lexa’s flat.

“About that, how is she paying her rent?”

“Good question, I think she gives a cheque to the owner every month. The landlord lives in the same building if I remember correctly.”

“Okay, we just have to make sure that it’s dealt with...”

“Of course,” Anya responds. “It’s still fairly early, we can maybe go to Lexa’s flat now and try to contact the owner?”

Clarke looks at Lexa’s face for a minute. Lexa is as peaceful as she was yesterday. No change so far, unfortunately.

“Okay”, the blonde says, reluctantly tearing her eyes away from Lexa.

“You can come back tomorrow after work.”

“Yeah, I know...” Clarke had felt horrible while she was in TonDC during the week. She felt guilty for not being with Lexa and fleeing like she did after her nightmare... But she has to go to work, she knows she does. Lexa would want her to. And she can still hurry back from work every day and spend a couple of hours with Lexa before the end of visiting hours at 8pm during the week.

“Come on, let’s go.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is not really surprised that Lexa chose a secluded, quiet neighbourhood to live in. Lexa has always been a quiet person, preferring calm nights in than wild nights out. Clarke was more of a party girl when she was younger, but now that she is 30, she prefers nights in too, especially if it means spending quality time with people she loves. She can really envision herself living in this neighbourhood with Lexa. They would come back from work, stopping at a local convenience store to buy some fresh vegetables and a bottle of wine, and Clarke would cook a vegetarian curry for Lexa and they would eat in front of the TV, watching the latest TV show they both like. And then they would cuddle on the sofa, Lexa would put a soft blanket on top of their legs and they would fall asleep together...

“Clarke? Earth to Clarke?”

Clarke snaps from her daydreaming and looks at Anya who has stopped at the entrance of a building. It’s a totally random building, grey, 5 stories tall. It completely blends in the neighbourhood and it doesn’t surprise Clarke one bit.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah... I was just thinking...” _about a potential future with Lexa..._

Anya seems to know what’s on Clarke’s mind, as she just smiles at her.

“Let’s go then.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa’s flat is fairly large, or maybe the lack of furniture gives this impression. Apart from a couch and a coffee table, there is nothing in the living room space. It’s an open kitchen and nothing is left out on the counter and sink. Lexa has always been so organised...

Anya is looking for the binder in which Lexa sorts all her invoices and official papers. Anyone who knows Lexa, knows that the brunette is well organised and keeps record of everything that is important in a specific binder. She has several binders and all of them are labelled. While Anya is looking for _the_ binder, Clarke disappears into Lexa’s bedroom.

It is dark, as the venetian blinds have not been opened. She goes to the window to fix the light problem when her eyes catch a very familiar type of package. It looks like one of those packages you get when you buy a painting. Clarke opens the blinds and goes to the package. It finds it open. She plunges into the box to retrieve the painting, because Clarke is fairly sure it _is_ a painting, and from Clarke’s frantic heartbeat she also has an idea of what this painting could be...

_Sky misses Earth._

Clarke is at a loss for words. Of course Lexa is the buyer. Of course she is. And of course she chose that painting. It’s about them.

“You alright in there?”, Anya shouts from the kitchen.

Clarke doesn’t reply. Honestly, she doesn’t know if she’s alright. Lexa bought her painting. Their painting, because really, it’s about them. Lexa came to the gallery and saw her work. She saw some that she already knew and others Clarke painted while Lexa was nowhere to be found.

Anya steps into the room, holding a piece of paper.

“I’ve got everything we need for the rent...” Anya then realises that Clarke is staring at a painting with tears rolling on her cheeks. She carefully walks to the blonde and peeks at the painting. It’s one of Clarke’s paintings. Her little sneaky cousin didn’t tell her she bought a painting... But she is not surprised. Oh no, she is not. Actually she would have been disappointed if Lexa hadn’t done it.

“She paid 10 times more than the price...” Clarke whispers, the words barely coming out of her mouth.

_Of course she did_ , Anya thinks.

“... and I didn’t know it was her. I wrote a thank you card... and... and...”

“What would you have done differently, should you have known it was Lexa?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke thinks about it. She was angry at the time. Angry that Lexa was not coming to see her. But she didn’t know about her leukaemia... So she would have probably been bitchy to her... God... Lexa wouldn’t have deserved that. Hell, she _doesn’t_ deserve that.

Anya can sense that Clarke is conflicted, so she doesn’t push her to talk. Clarke needs time to figure out how to deal with everything.

“So, as I was saying I found the landlord’s contact details and all the rest too, water, electricity...”

Clarke doesn’t have her mind set to deal with practical stuff right now, but nonetheless she nods at her friend to let her know she is listening to her.

“Right... So what I propose is the following: I’ll let my spare keys on the kitchen counter so you can leave whenever you want. I have to get prepared for my shift. Take your time.”

“Okay,” Clarke nods. She is thankful that Anya brought her here and even more thankful that she lets her be in Lexa’s space on her own. She needs this.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke stays in Lexa’s bedroom for quite some time. She doesn’t do much other than looking at her painting and getting lost in her thoughts. At some point she sits down on Lexa’s bed. Then she decides to lie down. As soon as her head hits the pillow, she can smell Lexa’s fragrance. It’s faint but it’s still there. She turns her head to get a better sniff. It enters her nostrils like a fresh wave of nostalgia. She closes her eyes and imagines Lexa is there with her. And god, she wants to hold her in her arms as she is now hugging the pillow.

After a while, she realises it’s getting late and dark. She searches for the switch of the lamp on the nightstand. The sudden motion rocks the piece of furniture and something inside the drawer makes a sharp noise. Clarke is worried she may have damaged something so she opens the drawer to check on its content. There’s a picture frame on top. She picks it. It’s a picture she remembers very well. They were both 15. That summer, Lexa had stayed at her parents’ house for 6 weeks. During those 6 weeks, they had the best time ever, from waking up late, having brunch in the backyard by the swings, to lazing out all afternoon, reading and painting, movie night almost every single night and then star gazing in the backyard with a couple of blankets to keep them warm on the chilliest nights. Then Lexa’s parents had an accident. She remembers when Lexa’s uncle Gustus called on a Friday night to deliver the horrible news. Lexa had spent the night cuddled in her arms, sobbing. The following 2 days Lexa had been a zombie, barely eating. Clarke had fed her, bathed her, dressed her and hugged her. Then she went to live at her uncle’s house which was a 15-minute drive from Clarke’s house. So after school, they saw each other less than before but Lexa spent every other weekend at her house. Both her parents had insisted on it. Lexa was like a second daughter to them. Clarke couldn’t be prouder of them.

As she recalls all those memories, Clarke unconsciously starts caressing Lexa’s face in the frame and she can tell by the grain under her fingers that the area where her own face is feels smoother. As if someone had polished it. Could it be from touching it over and over again? As she wonders about that, her gaze ends up on an envelope that was under the picture frame in the drawer. Her name is written on it. Clarke opens the envelope shows some signs of weariness. It must be the letter Octavia mentioned, the one Lexa left on her wedding day, the one she never got to read (until now). Clarke’s heart is hammering in her chest.

 

> _Clarke,_
> 
> _I have written this letter a thousand times over in my head and every time it comes out wrong. There is no right way to say this: I cannot be there for your special day. I cannot even say the word. I simply can’t. I want you to be happy, tremendously happy and I sincerely hope he will make you happy. I know I haven’t been the warmest around him, and I think you know why. I am in love with you._

Clarke is finally releasing the breath she didn’t know she was holding. Lexa loves her. Octavia and Anya already told her but it’s not the same as Lexa telling her. Of course it’s a letter, but it’s still Lexa telling her she loves her with written words.

 

> _There, I said it. I am in love with you and it’s killing me to see you with him. I want you to be happy, I really do and if he is making you happy then I have no right to be jealous. I just don’t think he is the right guy. You deserve so much more than... him. You deserve the world. I know I cannot give you the world, I know I am not good enough for you and probably never will be. It’s frustrating and killing me. I am a mess._

Clarke is weeping. Of course Lexa deserves her. Hell, she deserves the world. Clarke wants to stand up, run to the hospital, hug Lexa and tell her she is more than enough for Clarke. She is perfect the way she is. Clarke doesn’t want anybody else.

 

> _I want you to shine. You are already shining but somehow he tarnishes your radiance I think. And I cannot stand it, especially not when you’re about to tied knots with him for the rest of your life._
> 
> _I’m leaving. I need space and time to reflect on all of this. My brain cannot function properly when I am around you. I used to be fine but since your hen’s party I can no longer pretend. I am in love with you and even if for you our kiss, or kisses I should say, were merely friendly, for me they were everything._

No, they were not friendly kisses. They meant so much to Clarke. They still mean so much to her. Only, at that time she didn’t know how much. She should have trusted her instincts. She should have said something. Because she knew that something was up with Lexa since their kissing session. She shouldn’t have let her believe it hadn’t been important to Clarke.

 

> _I know I don’t deserve your love but you deserve mine._

_Yes, you do_... Of course Lexa deserves Clarke’s love. And it’s not a matter of deserving or not. Lexa is perfect for her. Clarke has no doubt about it.

 

> _You deserve for me to be happy on your wedding day (there I finally said it) but I cannot trust myself for not messing it up. So I decided to not tempt fate and leave before the ceremony. I want to see you in your wedding dress but at the same time I know it will end me. I am a mess. Sorry. I love you. I love you, Clarke. Always and forever. I love you. Be happy. Be you._
> 
> _Yours forever,_
> 
> _Lexa_

Clarke cannot stop the tears from flowing. And they are now staining the letter. What if she had read the letter on the day she was meant to read it? Would it have changed something? Or was it always meant to happen like this?

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke falls asleep in Lexa’s bed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, she is woken up by her phone vibrating on the nightstand. She doesn’t even remember putting it here. It’s 8.45am and she is running late for work. She has no time to go back to her flat to grab some clothes so she decides to raid Lexa’s closet. She puts on a pair of tight black slacks. They are not fitting perfectly as Lexa’s hips are wider than Clarke’s but it’s okay. Then she puts on a blouse but she cannot button it all up. Her chest is more generous than the brunette’s. Fortunately she spotted a black tank top in Lexa’s dresser. She puts it one, it’s hugging her tight but it’s not uncomfortable. Actually, it makes her feel special. Wearing Lexa’s clothes is a sharing experience. And it is later proved by a rather productive and efficient day at work. Lexa’s clothes have a subconscious effect on Clarke. Wearing her clothes makes her feel stronger.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke visits Lexa that day, she tells her about the clothes but she decides not to talk about the rest. When Lexa wakes up they need to have a heart to heart discussion. Clarke is sure they can find their way back to each other.

At 8pm, Clarke takes the sub to head back to her flat. And when she arrives, she goes straight to her bedroom, grabs a bag and stuffs it with clothes. She checks her fridge, fortunately there’s nothing perishable in there. She hadn’t gone grocery shopping when she got back from TonDC last week. She retrieves some items from her bathroom, puts her laptop in her backpack and leaves her flat.

At 9.45pm, Clarke is settling in Lexa’s flat with the few things she brought tonight. Clarke has decided that until Lexa comes home, she is going to take care of her flat. That’s her official reason. Her unofficial one is that she feels the need to be here. She needs to be where Lexa was, and will be hopefully in the near future. She needs to smell her natural perfume left on her sheets and her towels. She needs to sleep where she slept, she needs to take a shower where Lexa showered, she needs to retrace Lexa’s steps... It makes her feel stronger, it connects her to Lexa.

After she has settled down a bit in Lexa’s place, she decides to call it a day and goes to bed, Lexa’s bed. But before she turns off the light, she opens the drawer, retrieves the photo frame and kisses Lexa’s face.

“Good night, Lex.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was centered on Clarke discovering a bit of what Lexa's been up to lately. She finally got to read the letter and even if she already knew from Octavia it still is a lot to take in.
> 
> Thanks again to my beta-reader :) and thanks to you all my readers who leave kudos and comments. It keeps me motivated. Thank you.
> 
> I wish you all a nice day!
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	20. Unlikely friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope your week is going as smoothly as possible and that you're ready for a new chapter. We have finally reached two thirds of the story! Yeah!
> 
> Without further ado, I give you an "Unlikely friendship".
> 
> Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s now been 3 weeks since Lexa is no longer under induced coma and 2 weeks since Clarke has moved to Lexa’s flat. Every day is pretty much the same: Clarke goes to work, then she spends 2 hours by Lexa’s hospital bed, holding her hand and telling her about her day. Some days when she arrives, Anya is still there. Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, Monroe, Harper, Monty, Miller, Jasper, Maya and even Fox come to visit Lexa. The only person Clarke doesn’t see is Costia. And she highly suspects that she is responsible for that. She feels very guilty and decides that today she needs to make up for her wrongdoing. It is necessary. That’s why she is waiting by Costia’s office, hoping to catch her.

She waits for over half an hour before seeing an opportunity. She immediately seizes it.

“Costia? Costia? Can I have a word with you, please?”

Costia’s body language clearly indicates that she is very uncomfortable. _It’s my fault_...

“Costia?”

Costia gestures towards her office. Clarke enters the room and waits for the doctor to close the door and walk to her desk. The doctor hesitates before finally sitting on her chair. She avoids looking the blonde in the eye.

“Costia, I need to apologise for what I said to you. It was wrong of me to treat you like this...”

The young doctor was definitely not expecting that. It surprises her, in a good way, and leads her to finally look at the blonde sitting on the chair opposite her.

“Miss Griffin, it’s okay...”

“No it’s not. I acted like a spoiled brat... It was disrespectful and wrong. Lexa would be very disappointed in me.”

“I understand.”

“But it doesn’t make it any less wrong. I would like to apologise and maybe... I don’t know... offer you a coffee? Or tea? Depends what you prefer... Or hot chocolate?”

“That’s okay...”

“Please, I insist.”

“Okay, then maybe a cup of tea?”

“Great. When are you free?” Clarke smiles her brightest smile ever. Costia really seems like a good person. It was wrong of her to be aggressive towards her.

“Tomorrow is Saturday. I only have a couple of appointments... 3pm?”

“That’s a date. Errrr... I mean, a cup of tea kind of date...” Clarke is rambling nervously now. It makes Costia relax and chuckle at her awkwardness.

“No worries, I understood.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day she meets up with Costia as planned and they talk for over an hour. Clarke is really warming up to her. Costia is charming and funny. She would be perfect for Lexa and Clarke’s heart knows it because every time the doctor giggles, Clarke’s heart shrinks in her chest. But she tries to ignore it. Clarke has never been self-conscious really, but with Costia it is different. She cannot help herself but compare herself to her. And she wonders how Lexa perceives her doctor. Maybe it’s already too late... and frankly, Clarke couldn’t blame Lexa because Costia really is a good match for her.

“Thanks for the cup of tea, Clarke.”

“My pleasure. It was nice getting to know you a bit better.” Clarke swallows a lump in her throat. _Maybe Lexa would be better off with her..._

“Clarke?”

“Yes?”

“Stay positive, Lexa will wake up and get better.”

“I hope so.”

“She is a good patient. She even does the homework I gave her. She will get better.”

“Homework?”

“Yes, her recovery journal. I ask my patients to regularly write on a journal to avoid bottling everything up.”

“She’s got a recovery journal?” _Where could it be?_

“Yes, I find it a very effective tool. They write about their pain, fears, hopes... It allows them to get it all out...”

“Does she read it to you?”

“My patients generally don’t. They prefer to keep it for themselves.”

“But Lexa, does she...?”

“No, she does not. But I know she is writing in her recovery journal and she said it helped her.”

“You’re a good doctor.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it. She is lucky to have you.”

“She has you too.”

“You know what I mean.”

Costia blushes. She knows she is a good doctor but also felt uncomfortable with compliments. She does her job because she likes helping people, not for the compliments but it sure feels nice to get recognition.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke comes back to Lexa’s flat on that Saturday evening, she has only one thing on her mind: _the recovery journal_. A part of her wants to find it and read it but another part of her tries to convince her that it would be a bad idea, it is personal. It should be Lexa’s decision to share it with her or not. So she decides that a glass of wine white would help her relax and move on to something else.

She sips a first glass of wine. Then a second. By the end of the third one, she is properly tipsy and listens to her curiosity. She goes to Lexa’s bedroom, to the small desk in the corner. She opens the side drawer and finds a couple of notebooks and folders. She puts everything on the desk and starts examining the pile.

There it is. The recovery journal. A black notebook which doesn’t give away much from looking at the cover. She knows that it is the recovery journal because when she opened the first page, she could read

> _August 3rd_
> 
> _Dear ~~Recovery~~ Journal,_
> 
> _~~I don’t know what to write.~~ _ _Okay, so, on Friday was my first chemo. It went okay at first. Just a bit painful on the back of my left hand where Nyko stuck the needle. Nyko is my nurse. He seems nice. Well, actually I don’t know if he is going to be my nurse next time but... He seems like a nice fellow. Friendly but not pushy._

She immediately closes the notebook to stop from reading it. _It is personal, Clarke, for fuck’s sake, what are you doing?_

Clarke puts the notebook back in the drawer where it used to be and walks back to the kitchen to fill up another glass of white wine.

Temptation is getting so difficult to resist by the end of the fourth glass that she decides to go take a shower to clear her mind.

In the end, she goes to sleep in Lexa’s bed but her head is turned in the direction of the desk and her eyes are looking at _the_ drawer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day she goes to visit Lexa earlier than usual. She arrives at the hospital for the opening of visiting hours, which start at 10am on Sundays.

When she sees Lexa, she’s submerged by a wave of sadness and guilt. The brunette is still blissfully asleep and unaware of the turmoil in Clarke’s heart.

“Hi Lex. I feel awful today. I must tell you something. You know yesterday I told you I had a cup of tea with your doctor Costia, well, she mentioned that you had a recovery journal... and I found it. I know I shouldn’t have looked for it, I am sorry and I didn’t mean to read it. I just read the first few lines. I promise I haven’t read anything else but this. I swear. But still... I feel awful. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have. Please forgive me...”

Clarke is now sobbing while holding Lexa’s hand.

“I just miss you so much and a part of me wanted to know what was going on in your mind... I missed you chemo sessions... I wasn’t there with you. I should have been... I want to be by your side, fighting this disease. I don’t want you to be alone... God, I... I...”

_Bip bip bip..._

Clarke’s head immediately snaps at the unfamiliar noise she hears. It’s coming from the monitors. The lines are behaving weirdly... there is a huge peak then several smaller ones, then nothing, a flat line. Clarke has seen enough TV shows set in hospitals and she also has enough common sense to guess what it means. It means...

 

 

_No... NOoooooooooooo!!!!!!! It’s not possible, it can’t be happening. Not this, not now. No!_

Clarke’s mind is screaming but no word comes out of her mouth. She is completely frozen in fear.

Then she realises a couple of nurses are rushing into the room and urging her to let go of Lexa’s hand.

“Ma’am, please, let go of her hand.”

One of the nurses doesn’t beat around the bushes and grabs the blonde and forces her outside the room.

“Ma’am, I need you to stay here for now, please.”

Clarke is like a puppet. If someone is not holding her she falls on the ground, and that is exactly what happens. As soon as the nurse lets go of her, she falls onto the floor. Another nurse catches her before her head hits the ground and moves her to the nearest available bed.

The next few minutes are a blur to Clarke. She regains lucidity after a while and as soon as her mind catches up on what happened in Lexa’s room, she starts panting frantically.

“How is she? How is she? Please, how is she?” Clarke’s tears are rolling on her cheeks. A couple of visitors passing in the hallway stare at her. She looks in high distress, but fortunately a nurse is not too far from her and soon arrives to calm her down.

“Ma’am, please, you need to calm down. Take a deep breath for me, please.”

But Clarke doesn’t want to take a fucking deep breath. She wants to know what is happening to Lexa and if she is okay. Her mind is already imagining all the worst scenarios ever. Luckily, the nurse who rushed her out of the room is now walking calmly towards her and her facial expression gives hope to Clarke.

“Ma’am, Miss Woods just experienced a cardiac arrest but she is now breathing normally. And her heart is now pumping normally too.”

“Can I see her?”

“Of course, though I would recommend that you take a deep breath and drink a cup of water first.”

_I don’t want your fucking cup of water, I want to see her..._

“Okay.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You scared me to death, Lex.” Clarke is sobbing while holding Lexa’s hand. “I can’t lose you. I need you.”

Clarke brushes Lexa’s cheek with the back of her hand. She is fairly cold but the monitors indicate that everything is now back to normal.

“I swear to God, if you leave me again...”

“What are you talking about?”

Anya just arrived and is now standing by the doorstep.

“Lexa had a cardiac arrest this morning...”

“What? When? How was I not informed?”

“Calm down, she is doing better now. It just happened. Out of nowhere. I was talking to her and it... it... it just happened.” Clarke cries harder now and has difficulty breathing again.

Anya immediately rushes towards her and hugs her tightly.

“It’s okay. I am here now.”

“I thought I had lost her...”

“This dummy better not leave us like this... She needs to wake up already. I can’t stand this waiting.” Anya is fed up with her cousin not waking up. She is fed up because she fears the brunette might never wake up. So she jokes and mocks her. That’s her coping mechanism. “Hey dummy! You hear me? You’re not allowed to give up on us. We are not giving up on you. I thought you were worthy of the Commander title.”

It makes Clarke laugh a bit while she is still sobbing in Anya’s arms.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke calls in sick the following day. She is still very worried about the cardiac arrest Lexa had. Before going to the hospital she drops by a convenience store and buys herself a notepad.

When she arrives at the hospital she first checks with the nurses if everything is alright with Lexa. Apparently, she spent a peaceful night devoid of any noticeable incident.

She goes to see Costia at her office.

“Hi Costia.”

“Hi Clarke, are you alright?” Costia is a bit surprised to see that Clarke is here during the day because it is Monday and she probably should be at work.

“Yeah... well... I’m worried...”

Costia knows that her patient had a cardiac arrest the day before but she had a discussion with the nurses who did CPR on her and who checked up on her all night. Everything seems back to normal, as it should.

“I understand, but she is doing fine now. I mean, relatively speaking.”

“I wanted to ask you about this whole recovery journal thing...”

“Yes?”

“How does it work? Is it just a diary? Or...”

“It is essentially what you want it to be. The point is you express your emotions, fears, frustrations on paper so that you don’t keep everything inside. Some patients prefer support groups, but not everyone is comfortable talking about their problems in front of strangers. I find it more efficient if it’s done on paper. This way, it’s still out there, no longer shadowing your thoughts or your heart. It lifts a burden off your chest.”

“I think I need that.”

“I understand.”

“I bought a notepad this morning...”

“That’s good.”

“Thank you.”

The young doctor looks at Clarke with warmth and kindness in her eyes.

“You know, if you want to have a cup of tea with me when you’re here...”

“Thank you, Costia.” Clarke shakes Costia’s hand. It’s a sign of goodwill and maybe the start of an unlikely friendship. A friendship she didn’t plan on in the first place, but it feels natural. And inevitable in a way.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Clarke got a bit noisy here with Lexa's recovery journal but she listened to reason, fortunately. And now she's got her own recovery journal where she can write about her fears, emotions, etc. Interesting...  
> Clarke is not at loss when it concerns friends but Costia would be a different kind and it could be good for the blonde. We'll see how it goes from there.
> 
> Thanks again to my beta-reader for his patience correcting my mistakes. I hope it makes it all the more enjoyable for you to read.
> 
> Thanks to you all for your enthusiasm for this story, it motivates me a lot. Have a fantastic day :)
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	21. Mending fences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I debated hard this morning as to whether or not I would publish today, knowing that the next update would be next Monday at earliest... but I have a very busy schedule this weekend so today it is for chapter 21.
> 
> Enjoy ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _October 21 st_
> 
> _Dear recovery journal,_
> 
> _I’m not the one lying in bed, fighting for my life, but I feel broken nonetheless. Yesterday she had a cardiac arrest and she scared the shit out of me. I thought I would die. I don’t want to live in a world without her. We’ve been apart for too long already. I missed her too much. Hell, I miss her now and she is there. I’m holding her hand, squeezing it and she doesn’t squeeze back. It’s killing me. This wait is driving me insane. I just want her back._

 

“What are you writing about, hun?”

Clarke lifts her head to look at her mother who has just entered Lexa’s room. She is immediately flooded with anger.

“Nothing.” Clarke slams her notebook shut.

“We’ve got to talk, baby.”

“Don’t you dare _baby_ me. I’m fed up with it. You kept her illness hidden from me. You lied by omission.”

Abby cannot say that she is surprised, she saw that one coming.

“Clarke, I wanted to prepare you...”

“Prepare me? Prepare me? Really?” Now Clarke is laughing sarcastically. The tension in the room is escalating very quickly.

“I knew you would take it harshly.”

“Harshly? Are you fucking kidding me? How am I supposed to take it? Am I supposed to be grateful that it isn’t me lying there? You don’t get it, do you?”

“Please, Clarke, don’t be like this.”

“No, you don’t get it. I love her, mom. I am in love with her. She is the love of my life, I know it. And...”

“I know this.”

“Oh, yeah? So why would you fucking lie to me?”

“Because you’re irrational when you’re hurt, and Lexa being here is hurting you.”

“You’re damn right I’m hurt. But I am not irrational, I’m not leaving Lexa. I will fight for her.”

“But she left you.”

“Yes, she did, it still hurts but I know why she did it. And I wonder if I wouldn’t have done the same thing if I had been in her shoes. I understand why she left me. But right now, I don’t care about that. She needs my help. She needs me. She has fucking leukaemia. She shouldn’t face it alone. I want to be here for her.”

“I understand. It’s just after Jake...”

“It was different for dad. It was 10 years ago. And Lexa was there for me. She needs me, mom.” Clarke is now getting teary.

Abby wants to walk to her daughter and take her in her arms but she doesn’t know if the gesture will be appreciated, so she stands there awkwardly.

“You can hug me, mom. As your daughter, who happens to be a grown-up. I’m not a baby anymore.”

“Of course I know you’re an adult, but you’ll always be my baby.” Abby hugs her daughter while caressing her hair in a soothing pattern.

“She needs me. And I need her.”

“I know, I know.” Abby swallows a hard lump in her throat. She feels powerless. She knows that Clarke and Lexa are stronger together, she’s seen that in the past but she is a pessimist at heart and frankly, in her opinion, this is a perfect recipe for another heartbreak if Lexa doesn’t make it. And she is not sure Clarke’s heart will survive this one.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next few days, Clarke goes back to the office during the day. She’s been told by her boss, Dante Wallace, that there is a training she has been selected to attend to and that he will give her all the details by the end of the week. It would be a two weeks long training, in Shanghai. It is a company’s training for people within the organisation who have been recognised as high potentials and future high ranking managers. It is flattering that Clarke’s effort on the Trikru’s transfer has been recognised and that she is rewarded for it, but she is not happy at the idea of being away from Lexa for more than a couple of days. She needs to have a chat with a few people first before deciding.

She calls her mother. Abby is thrilled that Clarke’s career is taking off nicely and she tells her daughter to do it. Clarke is conflicted. A part of her wants to grab this opportunity as it may present itself only once but on the other hand it would mean going away for 2 weeks. And honestly she doesn’t want to be separated from Lexa for that long.

She calls Anya. Her response is more moderate. She sees this as a great opportunity for Clarke, career-wise. But she challenges her on whether it is what she wants to pursue or not. And Clarke is not sure she wants that. Right now her priority is Lexa. Hell, her priority is always going to be Lexa. Unless Lexa decides otherwise...

She calls Octavia and the brunette is glad for the blonde as it would mean getting a promotion afterwards. And as for Lexa, she tells Clarke, that they are all here for Lexa and she can go to Shanghai knowing that they will watch over Lexa and keep her updated. It still doesn’t convince Clarke.

The person that finally convinces Clarke is not one of the people she called, but her new _friend_ , Costia. The young doctor sees her on Friday and tells her that for now, Lexa’s condition is stable and there is nothing to fear. She is in good hands at PFH.

 

 

* * *

 

 

She spends all weekend talking to Lexa, telling her that even though she will be far from her for a couple of weeks she’ll come back to her.

On Monday she gets the details she was supposed to get the week before on the training. It’s in 2 weeks’ time, starting on the 11th of November, and she’ll fly on the 10th. Clarke spends all her available time by Lexa’s side in hospital. She always brings her own recovery journal. Some days she doesn’t write but draws.

Abby is worried that Clarke spends so much time at the hospital and neglects everything else. One night she goes, uninvited to Clarke’s flat and is surprised to see that Clarke is not there. She calls her on her cell phone and when Clarke picks up she asks about her whereabouts. Clarke is reluctant to let her mother know that she relocated to Lexa’s place, but in the end it’s not worth a lie so she admits it.

Abby is not surprised, but it concerns her. She doesn’t want for Clarke to cut herself from her normal life. Lexa wouldn’t want that. So she decides to have some bonding time with her daughter.

That’s how they end up on Friday the 8th of November, driving towards the family’s cabin outside the city. At first Clarke didn’t want to go because she was already feeling very guilty about the whole 2 weeks in China away from Lexa thing so an additional couple of days, especially right before flying to Shanghai seemed too much. But Abby made some good arguments. Especially the ones telling her that Lexa would want that for her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The cabin is located in the middle of nowhere, an hour drive away from any form of civilisation. It’s totally secluded and obviously there is no phone coverage. Electricity is provided by solar panels and batteries while drinkable water comes from packs of water bottles they bring themselves from the city. As for taking a shower, Jake designed a filtering system for rain water. Apart from food and drinkable water, the cabin is completely self sufficient. Jake used to bring his family for a couple of weeks in the summer when Clarke was a child. Lexa came here too with them when they were 10. At that time, they didn’t have internet anyway, so being cut from civilisation was not such a big deal as it would be for kids nowadays. And they had each other. They would play for hours in the woods, building forts out of tree branches, pretending to be survivors in an apocalyptic world. And at night they would fall asleep, cuddled on the sofa while listening to papa Jake telling them stories about adventurers.

Abby hasn’t been to the cabin very often since her husband passed but it felt necessary to her to get Clarke to reconnect with the good memories of Jake. Especially now.

 

They arrive at the cabin around 9.45pm. It’s obviously pitch dark, but Abby doesn’t have any problem recognising the way to the cabin.

 

At 10.30pm they are settled for the weekend of mother and daughter bonding.

* * *

 

At 10.31pm, in PFH’s room number 215 the monitors indicate an unusual activity.

* * *

 

At 10.32pm, a nurse comes to Lexa’s room and checks her vitals as she got a notification for this patient.

* * *

 

At 10.37pm, the nurse exits Lexa’s room. It’s all normal. _Probably a false notification._

* * *

 

At 10.45pm, Clarke tries to fall asleep but cannot stop thinking about Lexa. _What if something happens to her while I’m in China? I should cancel. But Lexa would be mad at me if I don’t go. Argh..._

* * *

 

She finally falls asleep round midnight.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Saturday, Clarke and Abby go for a walk in the woods. And they talk. There are some tears but mostly hugs and kind, supporting words. Clarke’s worry over Lexa starts to ease a bit. She knows her mother treats Lexa as her second daughter even after the whole she-left fiasco. It reassures her. She also knows that Anya will be there for Lexa. And Octavia. And the others too. They’ve all been very supportive these past few weeks. Lexa is in good hands. She just wishes it were her hands. But reasonably speaking, she knows she can go to China with peace in her mind. Lexa has a lot of people watching over her.

In the evening, both mother and daughter decide to revive an old tradition and grill some giant marshmallows over the fire. It brings nice memories back from the past. The last time they grilled marshmallows here, Jake was already gone, only Abby, Clarke and Lexa being there. It was Lexa’s idea in the first place. She had suggested Abby to celebrate Jake’s birthday as if he was still alive, here, in his cabin. It had been 2 years since he passed and though the scar still felt fresh to Clarke and Abby (and Lexa too as she considered Jake a second father), they had spent a surprisingly nice weekend here, remembering terrible jokes he made and sharing their favourite times with him. They had grilled marshmallows and Lexa had intentionally put as many candies in her mouth as possible to make Clarke laugh. It had been silly. And cute. _God, Lexa was such a cute goof..._

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Sunday morning, they leave the cabin around 9am so that it leaves enough time for Clarke to first say bye to Lexa and then pack her suitcase for her trip to China. Her flight is scheduled at 5.45pm.

At 11.45am, Abby parks her car in PFH visitor carpark.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 1.42pm, Clarke kisses Lexa on the forehead.

“I’ll see you soon Lex, I promise.”

Abby is waiting for her outside the room. But before she leaves, Clarke leans in and gives Lexa a peck on the right cheek and whispers to her ears. “Come back to me, Lex.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 2.55pm Clarke puts her suitcase in Abby’s car and they leave for the airport.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 3.30pm, Abby hugs her daughter at the drop-off zone of Polis’s airport.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 4.45pm, Clarke is texting Anya

> _Take care of her for me, please. Thanks._

2 minutes later she receives a response that makes her smile.

> _I don’t know. Maybe I’ll torture her in your name... Don’t worry, blondie, I’m not gonna let her ass down. Enjoy China._

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 5.25pm Clarke boards the plane. It’s an A380, but unfortunately she’s not in business class. Of course, her boss and his son are the only one in the company who don’t fly in cattle class.

When she settles in her seat, sandwiched between a guy who doesn’t want to remove his fluffy coat and a giant muscle man, she curses the new advertisement she’s seen on TV lately. No, flying in economy is not as comfortable as Jennifer Aniston claims it to be.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 5.55pm, her plane takes off.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 6.01pm, Lexa wakes up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY!!!!!!!!!
> 
> As mentioned on the chapter's summary, the next chapter, that you're surely waiting for, is not going to be ready before Monday at earliest. In the meantime I wish you all an excellent weekend.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	22. A very long day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good weekend and that the weather is not too bad or too cold.
> 
> As promised here is chapter 22, enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 6.35pm on Sunday 10th of November, Anya is in her flat, more precisely in her bathroom, taking a shower. She’s got the night off and plans on spending the evening with Raven. She and the Latina have not been seeing other very often these past few weeks. Anya spends her days between the hospital, Grounders and her flat. She is getting restless with waiting for Lexa to wake up. She is frustrated, and the prospect of spending some quality time with Raven rejoices her.

Anya is getting ready for her date and she doesn’t hear her phone vibrating on her nightstand.

At 6.37pm, the phone vibrates again and is getting dangerously closer to falling on the carpet.

At 6.39pm, Anya emerges from a cloud of steam with a towel tightly wrapped around her slim waist. Anya has never been a shy person and in her flat, her kingdom, she likes parading in nothing but panties. She finds it liberating. She hears a loud _crash_ coming from her bedroom. She glances around the room and realises that it’s her phone that has fallen. In three quick strides she is squatting by her bed to retrieve her mobile. She gives it a quick look. Fortunately the screen is not broken but it’s lucky.

Anya doesn’t have time to unlock her phone that it’s ringing again.

_FPH calling..._

Anya’s heart immediately quickens. _What if something happened to Lexa? But I was with her earlier today and everything seemed normal..._

She hits the reply button on her screen.

“Miss Woods, I would like to inform you that your cousin Miss Alexandria Woods has just regained consciousness...”

A wave of relief hits Anya in the face.

“Has she said anything? How is she doing? Can I come see her?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

At 7.45pm, Anya arrives at FPH’s ER, panting as she ran to get there faster.

She is escorted to Lexa’s room by a nurse, as visiting hours are now over for the day. Costia is there waiting for Anya to arrive and talk to her.

“Good evening, Miss Woods. As you’ve probably been told on the phone, Lexa has woken up almost 2 hours ago. So far she hasn’t talked at all, but it is fairly normal in these cases. She is very tired and is awake only for a few minutes at a time; don’t be alarmed, it is normal.”

Anya nods at everything the young doctor is telling her.

“You can go in to see her but don’t expect much today.”

“And how is she? I mean medically speaking?”

“We are going to run some tests in the next few days, and from there we’ll have a better idea of what we could be dealing with.”

“Ok.” Anya is disappointed, to be honest. She wasn’t expecting Lexa to be ready for a marathon, but still she thought that maybe she could talk to her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is dozing when Anya enters her room.

“Hey, little sister...” Anya whispers.

Lexa’s head moves a bit to indicate that she is responsive to her cousin’s voice.

“Hey there.” Anya smiles as Lexa’s eyes slowly open up. “It’s me, Anya.”

Lexa’s expression is pretty blank and it doesn’t give away much as to whether Lexa recognises Anya or even if she knows that she is at the hospital. It distresses Anya. She doesn’t know what to say.

Lexa’s eyes aren’t focused on anything and after only a few seconds they are closed again.

“We’ll talk later. Rest for now.”

Anya leaves the room.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As she is walking away from the hospital, Anya’s phone is ringing. It’s Raven.

“Are you standing me up?”

“Hey! No... no... I’m at the hospital.”

“Something wrong?”

“Lexa woke up.”

“That’s terrific!”

Anya doesn’t respond straight away. _If Lexa has amnesia, it’ll be terrible... Especially for Clarke. By the way, does she know that Lexa is awake? She probably does not. I should call her._

“Anya? Are you still there?”

“Sorry, I spaced out for a moment. I need to call Clarke.”

“She doesn’t know?”

“No, Lexa woke up 2 hours ago.”

“Ok, I’ll leave you to it, then. Do you want me to drop by later?”

“I don’t know... yeah, maybe...”

“Text me when you’re done.”

“Ok...”

Raven does not insist and ends the call. Anya’s mind is otherwise preoccupied. She’ll leave the tall dark blonde call Clarke.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya tries to call Clarke 5 times but each time she goes straight to voicemail. She decides to go to Lexa’s flat where the blonde has now elected residence. But she isn’t there. So she goes to the blonde’s apartment and rings the bell. Nobody answers. Where could she be? _Oh shoot, I remember, she has her training thing in China..._

Anya calls Abby and tells her about Lexa. Abby is going to check on Lexa first thing tomorrow morning when she arrives at the hospital. As for telling Clarke, she will call later and leave a message if she doesn’t pick up so that she can call her back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The news spreads rapidly among Lexa and Clarke’s friends. And Abby tells Marcus that his boss is now awake. He will come visit her at the hospital in a couple of days. He bets that the first 48h will be rough to take in for Lexa with a lot of people visiting and probably asking a lot of questions. Not to mention the tests she will most likely have to be subjected to... Better to visit her in a couple of days.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke’s plane arrives midday on the Monday and a taxi driver is waiting for her in the arrivals lounge. She is driven directly to the hotel where she will both stay and attend her training. It is right in a stadium. Yes, a stadium. A real one, with at least 90,000 seats. It’s gigantic. The hotel is occupying at least 6 floors on the whole west wing. It faces a huge IKEA store on the other side of the road.

Clarke checks in at the reception and is given her room’s key. She doesn’t have time to settle properly or even take a shower as the training starts at 2pm and it is now 1.50pm. So she just leaves her suitcase in the middle of the hotel room and heads for the business suites downstairs.

As she is waiting for the elevator to come up to her floor, she checks her mobile again. _Still no network..._

 

 

* * *

 

 

The afternoon is a real struggle for the blonde. She is exhausted by the trip and the trainers are not messing around. By the end of the day, the group of 30 trainees have been divided into 6 smaller groups or teams. They will have to work on a project together for the next 12 months and present their results at the second and final training session that will be held in Europe.

Clarke doesn’t know anybody in her team, or in the other teams for that matter. But she has 2 weeks to get to know them. She hopes they’ll work well together and that the project they’ll chose will be worth it. Because obviously that project is going to be an additional workload for her. And she has no doubt Dante Wallace will not give her resources to help her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Abby tries to call Clarke as soon as she wakes up in the morning, it must the evening for Clarke. But it goes straight to voicemail. She leaves a message but just in case it’s a network problem Abby decides to send an email as well, asking her to call back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The whole training group, trainees and trainers go for dinner in a local restaurant the company has booked. It’s all nice and the atmosphere is pretty relaxed but Clarke cannot help feeling tense. The fact that her phone doesn’t work here worries her. _What if something happens and I don’t know..._

As soon as Clarke is back at the hotel, she slips away from the group who’s decided to pursue the evening at the hotel’s bar. She gets to her room and plugs her computer in with the international adapter she bought at the airport. But the plugs are not exactly to the norm and as soon as she plugs the charger in, it sparkles. _Not reassuring..._ However it seems that it doesn’t affect the computer and she turns it on. This monstrosity takes ages to load... She decides to take a quick shower. It will help her relax and after that her computer should be ready for use, normally.

A hot shower after, Clarke checks that the computer is indeed ready, fortunately it is. She launches the internet and gets a prompt to enter the hotel’s login details. She tries 3 times and it still doesn’t work. She is getting angry. She needs the internet. Like right now! She calls reception and they tell her they will send someone.

5 minutes later, an old man who, to be honest, doesn’t really look like an IT guy at all knocks at her door. The guy doesn’t speak a word of English. It unnerves the blonde who thinks she is doomed. But he seems very calm and gestures to her that everything will be ok.

3 minutes later, it’s fixed. Clarke doesn’t understand what the guy did but it works, she’s connected to the internet. That’s all that matters. She launches Google chrome and immediately gets a notification that the connection is not secured and that she shouldn’t save any password or sensitive information using this connection. _Great. Just fucking great._

She logs in to her email provider’s website and sees that she’s got a pile of spams but among the list, she can see one email coming from her mother. She clicks on it. It’s pretty succinct. It just says:

> _Hi honey,_
> 
> _I hope you had a nice journey. When you’ve got the time, please call me._
> 
> _Mom_

It’s not unusual for her mother to send her emails but she generally calls her. _But my mobile cannot connect to any network here so if she tried to call me... I’ll call her on the hotel’s line. Of course WEATHER Corp will not pay for this... Nevermind._

“Mom?” Clarke’s voice sounds distressed.

“Hi honey! How are you?” Abby tries to smooth her.

“Exhausted. You tried to call me?”

“Lexa...” Clarke’s heartbeat instantly quickens at hearing her name and it clenches in her heart, she mentally prepares herself for dramatic news “... woke up yesterday evening.”

Clarke finally releases the breath she didn’t realise she was holding.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah...” It barely comes out as a relieved whisper. _Lexa is awake._

“I’ve seen her this morning and she seems to be doing great. I mean relatively speaking.”

“What do you mean, _relatively speaking_?” _Please don’t tell me she has amnesia, please..._

“Well, all her vitals are good and we talked a bit. But obviously she is exhausted.”

“She recognised you?”

“Of course. Oh...” Suddenly Abby understands the real meaning behind the question “... oh baby, she is doing ok. She remembers you. She asked if you were doing ok.”

Clarke has the feeling that she is floating in her room. Lexa asked for her. Lexa remembers her.

“What did you say?”

“I told her you were in China for a company training but that you would probably call her before coming home.” At the word _home_ , Clarke’s heart squeezes itself in her chest. Lexa is her _home_. And she cannot wait to be home. _This training is so badly scheduled..._

“What did she say?”

“You know Lexa, she just nodded.”

“That’s it?”

“She looked disappointed. That you weren’t there.”

“Why didn’t you tell me then? Gosh, you’re impossible.”

“Clarke, you’ll see her soon and as I said, you can call her.”

Clarke thinks about that. Of course she wants to hear Lexa’s voice. Hell, she longs for it. But it feels weird that their reunion would be over the phone, miles and miles apart. She’d rather be there and look into her eyes while she talks to her. She misses her beautiful emerald eyes.

“Of course, you don’t need to call her. You’ll be back in 2 weeks.”

“13 days.”

Abby smiles at that. Of course Clarke would have counted the days before coming back to Polis, to Lexa’s hospital room.

13 days to wait. 13 days without seeing her. 13 days without being near her. 13 days without touching her hand. 13 fucking days. This feels worse to Clarke than the 5 years she waited without any news.

“I got to go honey, I have surgery in 5. Try to get some sleep.”

“I will try. Good luck with your surgery.”

“Thanks. Bye honey.”

“Bye mom.”

Clarke puts the handset back on its base and lets herself drop on the queen sized bed with a heavy sigh. She closes her eyes and imagines what it would be like to be in Polis right now. To see Lexa. To talk to her. And maybe kiss her too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will focus on Lexa, because poor little bean, we haven't heard from her a lot these past few chapters.
> 
> I would like to thank you all for your kudos and comments (very enthusiastic comments by the way, I love it!!), which motivates me a lot. Thank you to my beta-reader who is very efficient :) and I wish you all an excellent start of the week. Take care my friends.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	23. Focus on the essential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I had a hard week and couldn't get anything done so I apologize for the delay in publishing. I hope you'll like this very angsty chapter.
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 23.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How are you feeling today, Lexa?”

Costia is visiting her patient who woke up the night before. She was starting to worry about her leukaemia treatment. It’s been over a month and a half since she had her last treatment and for now she still isn’t able to go through chemo. Therefore the sooner she recovers from her coma, the sooner they can resume the battle.

Lexa’s throat is quite dry. This morning, Abby Griffin visited her and she only managed to speak a bit, mainly to ask about Clarke. It had made the older woman smile. Of course, Abby has always known Lexa cared about her daughter. They were best friends, after all.

“Erm... ok.” Lexa takes a sip at her glass of water which was waiting for her on the adjustable table. She then pushes a bit on her arms to sit in a higher position to face her doctor. “I’m tired.”

“That’s perfectly normal. Even if you were in a coma for almost two months, being awake is tiring. You need some time to adjust, and you’ll do some physiotherapy to regain your fitness. It’ll take time, though.”

“When can I get out?” Lexa is anxious to get out of there.

Costia knows that most of her patients, hell, any kind of patient, would rather be at home than staying in a hospital. But Lexa’s eagerness doesn’t go missed. And it makes her chuckle a little.

“Someone’s eager, huh?”

“No... it’s just...” Lexa doesn’t want to sound like a douche and imply that she doesn’t appreciate being taken care of.

All this rambling makes Costia’s smile widen. “It’s ok, I understand. Nobody wants to stay here for long.”

“Well...”

“So we’ll start physiotherapy as soon as you’re-“

“I am ready.”

“Ha ha! Really eager?”

Lexa is now pouting.

“Alright, alright, we’ll see if we can start tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So, you’re awake, at last.”

“Hey.”

“Wow, you don’t even look like shit. It’s unfair.”

Anya has always given tough love to her cousin Lexa, and today she is so happy to see her awake and respondent that she feels like joking around. It’s a good day.

Lexa shoots daggers at her with her eyes. “Thanks.”

“Oh come on, you spend 2 months like sleeping beauty and poof! You wake up looking like this.”

“I feel like shit.”

This instantly worries Anya. And it is instantly visible on her face.

“I want to get out of here.”

“Yeah, I get it, but other than that, I mean physically...?”

“I’m okay. I feel weak, that’s all.”

Anya nods. Both women fall silent for a moment. It’s heavy.

“I remember.”

Anya doesn’t need to ask for further clarification because she knows her cousin is referring to the accident.

“I saw it happening in slow motion... I was going to see her.”

“I know.” Anya nods. Then she adds “She knows too.”

Lexa didn’t dare to ask for a lot this morning when she saw Abby. She just asked if she was okay and apart from nodding and telling her Clarke was okay and away for a couple of weeks in China, Abby didn’t tell her much. But she smiled a lot.

“She was here every day.”

Lexa’s eyes are as wide as saucers. She immediately tries to put on a stoic face but Anya sees her surprise, and it amuses her.

“She is in China for 2 weeks but she’ll be back. You’ll see her.”

Lexa swallows the dry lump in her throat. She cannot help but feel disappointed that Clarke is not going to be here for two whole weeks. But it’s for her work. And Lexa respects that. She wants Clarke to succeed in everything she pursues. However, she cannot help feeling her heart squeezing in her chest. She hopes her Clarke is doing okay on the other side of the world.

“You know I read you like an open book?”

Lexa tries looking at her with the best innocent face she can put on.

“Nope, it doesn’t work, Lex. I know what’s on your mind. Yes, she will come back and you’ll see her. We can try to set up a Skype session so you can see her too.”

“I am not a child. I can wait. Plus she’s probably busy.”

“Right... like you’re not disappointed she isn’t there...”

“I am. Disappointed. But I understand.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

Anya looks defiantly at her cousin.

“You’re silly, you know that?” Anya teases her.

Lexa starts crying. Anya’s smile immediately disappears to be replaced by concern.

“Hey, what’s going on? Talk to me, Lex.”

Lexa doesn’t want to talk right now. She feels powerless. She feels broken. Heartbroken. Clarke is not here, and though she knows it is because of work, all she can focus on is the fact that Clarke is not here. She feels like a selfish idiot for it. Clarke is her priority, always. If Clarke needs to be somewhere else, then she should accept it. But right now she can’t. Right now, she wants to see her, to breathe the same air as her... Her heart feels compressed in her chest. It’s like it’s shrinking in on itself. Maybe that would be for the best if her heart was to completely disappear. No more chance to be hurt. No more feelings, just surviving. Isn’t it the ultimate goal? To survive. She should focus on her condition because she has fucking leukaemia, for crying out loud. It should be her priority. Not somebody who is not here for her. Sure, Anya told her Clarke was here. Yes, but she wasn’t awake then. And now that she is, the blonde is a no-show.

Lexa doesn’t want to feel this weak ever again. She has been heartbroken enough for the past 5 years and a half. She’s done. Her heart has suffered enough. It is time for her to move on. For good this once. Lexa takes a couple of deep breaths and schools herself. _Time to be strong now. Time to focus on what’s important, fighting this cancer._

“Talk to me, Lex, please.” Anya wants to know what is happening in her cousin’s head.

Lexa takes a deep breath and declares “I am fine. I need to get in shape for the chemo.” It’s cold. Straight to the point. No emotion. Anya isn’t a fool, she knows something is bothering Lexa but she also knows that when she is in commander mode, she cannot get anything from her.

“Ok. Yes.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa starts physiotherapy the next day. She does her best and pushes herself to the limits of pain. She doesn’t care about the pain. _It is part of the journey_ , she tells herself. It is a small price to pay to get in shape to resume chemo.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Marcus comes visiting her on Wednesday. Lexa is glad she hired him, because from what he reported to her, everything is going pretty well at the office and he dealt beautifully with Nia Queen. Lexa is proud of Marcus. As soon as she will be back at work, she will see to it that Marcus gets more responsibilities. He deserves them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Thursday, Octavia comes to visit. Lexa is not surprised that Octavia knows about her having been in an accident. If Clarke knows, then the others would know eventually. Lexa doesn’t like to be in a weak position, but Octavia is not the kind to pity her. There is a mutual respect, and Lexa appreciates it. Octavia doesn’t mention Clarke. And for that, Lexa is grateful.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Friday, Costia is worried that Lexa is pushing herself too far, too quickly with the physiotherapy. But her patient insists that she feels great.

The young doctor can sense that something is not right. Lexa was not behaving like this before the accident. She suspects it may have something to do with Clarke not being there. But it is not her place to discuss personal matters with her patient so she holds her tongue and focuses on Lexa’s recovery programme.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Saturday, Raven comes to visit. She brings with her a bunch of trashy magazines. Lexa shoots daggers at her for trying to read all the gossip in the celebrity world. Lexa doesn’t care about what’s happening in the life of some rich actors, nor does she give a damn about who slept with who. It’s their lives. Not hers. She has other things to focus on.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Sunday, Anya spends a bit more time with her than during the week. They talk about politics. There is an upcoming election for the mayor’s office. Lexa has always been interested in politics. Anya knows it and right now she can see that Lexa feels miserable. She hides it well, you’ve got to give her that. People who don’t know her as well as she does wouldn’t be able to see the signs, but Anya sees them. They are almost imperceptible but they sure as hell are here. That’s the reason why she wants to cheer her up a little by discussing politics.

By the end of her visit, Lexa seems more cheerful. Her mind is focused on the pamphlets Anya brought to her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On the following Monday, Lexa is already walking the entire length of the building. She is doing much better, physically speaking. And she focuses on that. The rest doesn’t matter. It doesn’t bother her. The fact that it’s been a week since she woke up and Clarke hasn’t called doesn’t bother her. No, it doesn’t. Hell, who is she kidding? Of course it bothers her. But she doesn’t want to feel the pain so she focuses on looking ahead of her. Right foot, left foot. Then the right foot again. One more step. One step closer to recovery. That’s all that matters.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Wednesday, Lexa spends most of her day out of her room, walking in the corridors of the PFH. She has regained a lot of her strength. It’s not perfect yet, but the physiotherapy is going great. Costia is impressed by the rate of Lexa’s recovery. It’s rather unusual, especially considering she spent 2 months in a coma. She had lost a rather significant percentage of her muscular mass. But now, a week and a half after she woke up, she has already recovered a lot. And she doesn’t look as exhausted as she was the week before. It’s impressive. For Costia it is very positive because it gives her hope to resume her patient’s chemotherapy sooner than she initially thought. That is very good news.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Thursday, Clarke still hasn’t called. Lexa is no longer waiting for her to give her a sign, not that she was waiting in the first place anyway... (Of course she was, but she wouldn’t admit it). Anya feels very concerned for her cousin. On one hand she is doing great with her physiotherapy but she avoids talking about anything personal. Anya doesn’t even dare mentioning her own relationship with Raven in case it would trigger something... Anya has the feeling she is walking barefoot on eggshells. And it is not a comfortable situation.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On Friday, Costia declares her patient fit enough to leave the hospital and go back home. Lexa would still need to come 4 times a week to the hospital to finish her physiotherapy, but she has been cleared to go back to her flat. She immediately calls Anya. The older woman will come and get her on Saturday morning once she has signed all the discharge papers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It is now 11am on Saturday the 23rd of November and Lexa waits for Anya to come pick her up and bring her home.

Lexa is glad to leave the hospital, at last. She spent way too much time here. She needs to get rid of the detergent smell. It’s bothering her nostrils.

Lexa is not really looking forward to go back to her flat, though. She knows there is a painting of Clarke’s in her bedroom. Fortunately it is still in its box. So she won’t have to look at it. She makes a mental note to put the painting away in her dresser, somewhere she won’t be reminded of her heart’s scars. As soon as she’ll do that, she will feel better and will be able to move on. To focus on what matters the most. Fighting her leukaemia. Her heart doesn’t matter. Head over heart. Love is weakness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos, you guys cheer me up, you have no idea :)
> 
> Have a great weekend!


	24. The Day Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a nice week. I know you've been waiting for Clarke's side and here it is.
> 
> Without further ado, I give you "The Day Before".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Please sign here and here, Ma’am. Thank you.”

Clarke checks the complete bill the hotel is charging her. She will claim her expenses back when she’ll go to the office next week.

24 external calls.

24 calls made to a foreign location, the States.

23 calls made to Polis Founders Hospital. 1 made to her mother.

23 calls of less than 2 minutes each.

23 times she tried to call Lexa.

23 times she didn’t pick up the phone.

At first Clarke didn’t want to call. She didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t heard Lexa’s voice in over 5 years, apart from the videos she had from before her wedding. She felt incredibly uncomfortable at the idea of reconnecting with her over the phone. She hated the fact that she was in China for work and couldn’t be back home, by Lexa’s side. She asked her boss to cut it short and maybe catch up later, but it backfired. Either she was staying and attending the training as scheduled, or she was fired. Lexa was not part of her family, so technically she had no valid reason to come back to the States earlier. Matters of the heart are not the company’s concern, Dante Wallace had said.

For the first 24hours since she spoke to her mother, Clarke hadn’t slept much, her mind was busy imagining all possible scenarios for her reunion with Lexa. Of course that on Tuesday, she was totally exhausted, looking like a zombie. She blamed it on the jetlag and sure, part of her state was due to the jetlag, but not all of it. Fortunately, the other trainees were pretty much in the same state. But for them it was probably due to the jetlag, rather than a certain brunette...

So on Tuesday night, after a couple of drinks with some of the other trainees, she summoned all her courage and called PFH. She asked to be connected with Lexa’s room and the normal tonality of a ringing phone told her the line was not in use at the same time. So she waited, as patiently as she could. Actually she was almost trembling of anticipation. But nothing happened. The phone kept on ringing and no one picked up. After what felt like a while, the call got transferred back to the same person who picked up the phone in the first place. The lady on the other side of the line gave a probable cause for Lexa not to have responded. _She is probably doing some routine exams with Doctor Forest. I suggest you try later._

And that’s what Clarke did. After 1am she gave up, feeling too exhausted to carry on. She would try the next day. And she did. And the same thing happened. Lexa did not pick up the phone.

_Am I so unlucky that every time I ring, she is busy?_

By Friday she had called a total of 17 times already. With the same end result. Nobody had picked the phone. She was tempted to call her mother or Anya or anyone really but she decided not to. After all, she will see Lexa soon enough now. One week to go and she will be back in Polis. It’s better to do it in person anyway, with the person it concerns.

She didn’t try again until the Wednesday of the second week. 6 times. 6 times that nobody picked up the damn phone.

_Maybe Lexa doesn’t want to talk to me? Maybe I got it all wrong? Maybe she doesn’t love me anymore? Maybe..._

Clarke’s mind was now trying to convince her that Lexa, _her_ Lexa, was maybe mad at her for not being here. And Clarke herself felt mad that she wasn’t in Polis, by Lexa’s side. But she tried to focus on the essential and in a couple of days the training would be over and she would be on her way to Polis. To Lexa.

We are now on Friday 22nd of November, it is 8am and Clarke checks out at the reception desk. She still has one day of training left to do but as soon as it’s over at 5pm a taxi will be waiting for her to drive her to the airport. Her flight is not until late in the evening but she doesn’t care. Right now, she just wants this day to be over. She wants to be in the sardine box back to the States. She doesn’t care if she’s stuck between 2 rugby players like on the way here. As long as she is on her way back to Polis, that is all that matters.

Her plan is simple, she drops by the flat (and by the flat, she means Lexa’s flat), showers, puts on her lucky blue dress she still got from university, stops by the local flower shop on her way to the hospital and then she’ll improvise. For 2 weeks her mind has been kept busy imagining all the things she would say, and in the end it all depended on Lexa. How she will react to seeing her. And considering the fact that she never picked up the phone, Clarke is not very optimistic. Hence the flowers. They should help. And the dress. Clarke secretly hopes that Lexa still likes this dress. She remembers the day she put it on for the first time, for a party. Lexa had been breathless and gaped like a fish. Clarke had thought it was cute of her best friend to react like that. If only she knew the reason then...

But for now she was still stuck in Shanghai for her last day of training.

She double checks the bill and signs it. She then hands her credit card.

“We can keep your luggage at the reception until your taxi comes in this afternoon.”

“Thank you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Today’s hours seem to stretch beyond reasonable time passing. Everything happens in slow motion. Clarke is unable to concentrate on anything. Even the simple exercise. And they have to do a short presentation in the afternoon to present the project her team will be working on for the next 8 months. Everyone in the team has to talk for at least 3 minutes. Every single member of the team. No exception. Clarke cannot skip it. And God knows her mind is a thousand miles away from Shanghai right now...

“Are you okay? You seem a little off today.”

Clarke’s mind snaps back to the reality of her situation. Right now she still is in China for the last day of her training and Roan is asking her a question.

“Hey... yeah... I’m just... I can’t wait to be back home.”

“Yeah, I don’t like hotels either. I crave for my bed.” Roan sighs.

“Yeah...”

“Are you flying back straight after or are you staying the weekend?”

“I’m leaving tonight.”

“Looking forward to it?”

“You’ve got no idea...” Clarke’s mind immediately flies back to Lexa. Yes, she is definitely looking forward to coming back to Polis, but at the same time she is scared. Scared that it might not go the way she would like for it to go... No, actually she doesn’t know how she wants it to go. The only thing she is certain about is that she is in love with her best friend and that she will tell her. How? She doesn’t know yet, but she definitely has thought of a few scenarios these past few days.

Roan can tell that his colleague’s mind is miles away from here, but he needs her to focus on the situation right now. They have a presentation to prepare for this afternoon and though everyone is happy that this training is finally over, now is not the time to lose concentration. It’s the final sprint to the finish line.

“Okay, shall we focus on the presentation so that this afternoon we nail this?”

“Yes, of course.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

At lunch, Clarke is not hungry at all. It’s a buffet which means that she can take whatever she fancies. But that’s the thing, right now, she doesn’t fancy anything. There is a knot in her stomach that prevents her from eating anything. And she doesn’t feel the need to eat. She is nervous. She anticipates her imminent reunion with Lexa and she cannot focus on her basic bodily functions. Right now, her heart is squeezing in her chest and her stomach refuses to absorb anything new. Her body is a mess. And her mind is not doing much better. She is so far gone in her thoughts that she trips on her own chair. Her mind is a mess. She is a mess. And she knows why she is like this. She is in love and she will soon be reunited with her love and she has no control over how it is going to unravel. Everything seems out of control right now. She is in a state of benign insanity. It is both exhilarating and scary at the same time.

Clarke has never felt like this before. It is a first. It’s like she is finally in tune with her own life and it’s much more intense than what she thought. It’s frightening because everything just happens and she has no control over anything. She just follows the flow. And her mood goes to both extremes, from depression to overexcitement. Everything feels a 100 times more intense than ever before. She has never felt more alive. And she knows Lexa is the cause. She has no doubt about it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke’s team is the second to present their project in the afternoon and it goes surprisingly well. It is indeed a surprise to the blonde, because she thought she would not be able to talk considering the difficulty she had to focus on the preparation this morning.

Roan and the other team members are very happy with the way it went. They are pumped and are all looking forward to working together for the next 8 months. The final presentation will be done in Europe some time after summer next year.

The training officially ends 2 hours earlier than initially scheduled. Most trainees decide to grab this opportunity to organise a soccer game in one of the stadium’s training fields. Clarke is not much of a sports person but she gathers that cheering will keep her mind busy while she waits for her taxi to drive her to the airport. Back to Polis. Back to Lexa.

It ends up that Clarke doesn’t remember who won and who lost. She just cheered when the other people sitting on the bench next to her were cheering. By solidarity more than anything else. Today she cannot be enthusiastic about anything but the fact that she was going back to the States, back to her best friend.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Her taxi is early and she is very happy about it because even if she knows she’s got more than enough time to check-in, drop her luggage and go through security, she cannot help but fear for the worst case scenario and she doesn’t know if she would be able to cope with anything other than the scheduled plan.

As it is Friday late afternoon, there is a bit of dense traffic but nothing her taxi driver cannot cope with. He slaloms between lanes as if he were driving Super Mario’s kart in a video game. And he uses his horn a lot to make the other drivers move. Clarke has a migraine before reaching the airport.

Everything goes rather smoothly after that. Even at security, a new gate opens just as she arrives and it only takes her a couple of minutes to go through the checks. Somewhere in Clarke’s mind it looks almost too good to be true. _Something bad is going to happen, it’s not possible everything could go this efficiently..._

Her plane is ready on time and she boards as scheduled on her ticket. It feels weird...

They take off with only 5 minutes delay. It’s nothing, they can make up for it before reaching the States.

When they serve the first meal, Clarke declines having anything. She really isn’t hungry, but her stomach makes itself remembered and growls very loudly. It makes the steward smile and Clarke accepts the chicken option tray. She doesn’t eat much but it surely makes her feel a bit better.

Then she tries to watch a film to keep on mind busy on something else but her favourite brunette. It is a total failure. She cannot remember what happened in the film just 5 minutes ago. Her attention span is drastically short today.

She tries to nap a bit but she can’t. And it’s not because of the engine’s noise, because she didn’t forget to bring her earplugs, but it’s because her mind cannot slow down even for one minute. Her brain is formulating a new scenario after another. It’s exhausting. She now wonders if she should take a nap at the flat before going to the hospital to visit Lexa. If she doesn’t get some sleep, she is afraid she’s going to mess this whole reunion thing up. And that’s the last thing she wants to mess up. Lexa is too important for her. Lexa is her priority, always.

She stands up and goes for a walk in the alley almost every hour. People must think she is sick and needs to go to the bathroom this often. Clarke doesn’t care about what people think. It is of no importance. Going back to Lexa is the only thing that matters right now.

They land in Polis international airport 45 minutes earlier than scheduled. She hopes the taxi WEATHER Corp booked for her will be there because frankly she is not in the mood for waiting.

Clarke’s luggage is already on the rotating belt when she exits passport check. She grabs it and rushes through customs. She’s got nothing to declare apart from her love to Lexa, but she doubts the airport personnel would be interested in that.

A taxi driver with her name on a piece of paper is waiting for her at the arrival lounge. _Thank God!_

“Did you have a nice flight, Miss Griffin?”

“Yeah... Do you know where to drop me?”

“Yes, I’ve got the confirmation email right here, is that correct?” The taxi driver hands her a piece of paper that she quickly checks before giving it back to him, nodding.

“Right, let’s go.”

During the drive to Polis city centre, Clarke feels her stomach shrinking on itself. She feels sick. She is on the verge of throwing up, but she calms down when she sees Lexa’s building as they turn a corner. Suddenly, a wave of relief washes over her. Yes, she is coming back home. She is coming back to Lexa. She’s going to drop her luggage, shower, put on her lucky outfit, buy flowers, grab a taxi and tell Lexa she is the love of her life. And it’s all going to be perfect. Because Lexa is perfect. Because they are soulmates, Clarke knows.

Clarke doesn’t need to pay for the taxi, as her company already paid for it. She cannot wait for the elevator to arrive, she’s got so much adrenaline in her blood that she decides to climb the stairs with her luggage, no matter how heavy it is. Right now she feels nothing but excitement at the thought of finally seeing Lexa.

It is 1.06pm on Saturday the 23rd of November when Clarke opens Lexa’s flat front door and less than a minute later she drops the keys on the floor, at her feet. Lexa is here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you all know what next chapter will feature: the long awaited reunion between Clarke and Lexa.
> 
> For your information, the next chapter is the first one I wrote but I went through different rewrites as when I initially wrote it I didn't have the whole story planned out. I am finishing the final rewrite this weekend to publish early next week. In the meantime I wish you all a nice weekend.
> 
> Take care my friends :)
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	25. Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
> Hope you all had a great weekend and that the week is starting pretty nicely. Let me thank you all for your comments and kudos. You guys rock!
> 
> With that being said, let's move on to the story because if you remember correctly from last chapter, Clarke is finally back in Polis and she just arrived in Lexa's flat thinking that it would be empty but SURPRISE Lexa is actually already back from the hospital. They haven't spoke to each other in over 5 years and the last time they interacted with each other Clarke was getting married to Finn...
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 25. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

When Lexa arrives at her flat on Saturday 23rd of November at around 12pm, all she can think about is that she is glad to finally be out of the hospital. There, the only think she would think about was the fact that nobody called her. And by nobody she means Clarke. She saw Anya, Raven, Abby and even Octavia. But no word from Clarke. Not a phone call. A part of her wants to know why she didn’t call. But on the other hand it may be best to never know, she would be heartbroken, again. And right now she should focus on her recovery.

Anya proposes to come up to the flat, but Lexa insists that she wants to be left alone for now. She is tired. It looks like Anya wants to tell her something, but Lexa is not in the mood for her cousin to insist on making conversation. She wants to put Clarke’s painting away and take a nap.

Lexa enters her flat and wonders for a minute if she got the wrong door. It looks like her flat, but it is not in the same state she left it. There is stuff here that is clearly not hers. Lexa is very tidy and the person who left her flat in this state is either not tidy or left in a hurry. _So, that’s what Anya wanted to talk about... Damn her! She could have told me. I don’t get it, though; she has her own flat..._

Lexa feels a wave of anger reach her ears, but she decides it is not worth her time. Right now she’s got other things to focus on. The painting.

Lexa goes to her bedroom and sees that the bed has been slept in. _What the fuck?_

Lexa lets out a deep sigh to calm down. _Right, let’s focus on the damn painting. Where did I leave it?_

Then Lexa’s eyes land on the cardboard box she is looking for, she goes to grab it but as soon as she lifts it up she realises it is way too light for it to contain the painting. Then she lifts her gaze to the wall. There it is, next to the wardrobe. Pinned on the wall. _Who the hell did that? Is it Anya? She had no right to do this. I’m going to call her and let her know she went over the line..._ Lexa is in no joking mood right now. She feels rage redden her ears. If she calls right now, she is sure as hell she will not be able to contain her temper. So she decides to let it out by writing it down, on her recovery journal. And it’s a good thing that her journal is on her desk. She walks towards it, sits down, grabs a pen and opens the notebook.

_Wait a minute... this is not my journal._

 

> _November 8 th_
> 
> _Dear Lexa,_
> 
> _Today was particularly difficult for me. They decided to put us in an open space since we moved offices and let me tell you it’s hell. You know I have trouble focusing if people around me are chatting and they are doing that all the f***ing time. Of course it’s mainly about business calls and stuff, but still annoying as hell. So I imagined you coming to my rescue. You would have glared at everyone and they would have instantly shut the fuck up. Then you would have come to my desk, soften your gaze like you always used to and we would have kissed. I imagined all this and Betty, a colleague of mine, I told you about her the other day, looked at me and she looked worried. Turns out I had started crying and didn’t even realise it. I wanted to tell her that I’m missing the love of my life but she wouldn’t have understood. So I went to the bathroom and cried there for a solid half an hour. Everyone was staring at me when I got back to my desk. I felt humiliated. They looked at me like I was this weak blonde girl whose hormones are all over the place when I am in fact missing half of my soul and still functioning despite the odds. I’m not weak. I know you would say that. My love for you is so strong, they don’t understand, I live because I love you. You’re my rock. Even from this hospital bed of yours, you’re my best support system._

And it goes on like this for pages... There are drawings too, of her, of Lexa, asleep in her hospital bed, of her hands, her face... Of course Lexa knows that Clarke is the author of these drawings and she recognised the handwriting... Lexa doesn’t know how to feel. Her heart is squeezing in her chest and she has trouble breathing. She feels tears gathering in her eyes. She puts the journal down on the table and takes a deep breath. Then she feels a single tear roll on her left cheek. She immediately dries it with her hand. She cannot let all this get to her. She needs to focus on herself, her treatment...

“Lexa?”

Lexa’s mind blanks. She knows this voice. She would recognise this voice even if it was drowning in a cacophony of sound. But it can’t be. She must be dreaming. Clarke is not there. She is in China for her training...

“Lexa...”

Lexa turns around and there she is. Clarke. Her breathtakingly beautiful Clarke. The only person in the world who could make her heart break into millions of pieces and still, somehow, get it to pump blood into her veins.

Lexa doesn’t know what to say. Her brain has stopped sending orders to her whole body. Lexa is there, frozen, unable to process the fact that Clarke is back.

On the bedroom’s doorstep, Clarke is nervous. She sees that Lexa has been crying and that right now she is frozen. Clarke’s brain is barely functioning either. Then, on autopilot mode, Clarke slowly takes a step inside the room. Lexa doesn’t move and her eyes are glued to Clarke’s blue ones. Then Clarke takes another step closer to the brunette. Everything is happening in slow motion. Lexa’s heartbeat dramatically quickens. Pretty much the same is happening in Clarke’s chest. Clarke carries on walking until she is a few inches away from her target. Then it happens. Clarke’s left hand finds its place on Lexa’s right cheek, she barely touches her. Lexa closes her eyes as soon as she can feel the feather-like touch. She slightly opens her mouth to help her poor lungs, which are now struggling to get some fresh air into them. Clarke observes all the tiny reactions from Lexa and her heart sings in her chest. She closes the gap as she leans in to press her lips on Lexa’s.

Everything freezes for a millisecond. Lexa is a bit surprised, but doesn’t pull back. Clarke takes this as encouragement to press further. And Lexa responds by putting her left hand on Clarke’s waist.

Then Clarke can taste tears on Lexa’s lips. The blonde immediately pulls back very slowly to observe the brunette. Lexa’s eyes are still closed. She doesn’t dare open them. She is terrified that this is just a trick her mind is playing on her. Clarke is not really here... this can’t be.

“Lex, look at me please.” Clarke doesn’t want to frighten Lexa so she whispers it slowly.

After a couple of seconds that felt like minutes, Lexa slightly lifts her eyelids and it takes Clarke’s breath away. She imagined this moment so many times when Lexa was lying in her hospital bed that she despaired it would never happen.

Clarke leans in and kisses Lexa again. Then Clarke rests her forehead on Lexa’s and declares “I love you.”

Lexa touches her face to make sure Clarke is real, not a hallucination.

Clarke takes her hand and puts it over her heart. It’s beating so hard and fast. Lexa’s pupils dilate instantly as she realises it’s real.

“I am in love with you Lexa.”

“Clarke... you’re real.”

“Yes, baby, I’m right here with you.” They hug. It’s an earth-shattering kind of hug. They cling to each other as if their life depended on it. Then they both cry of relief.

“I’ve got you. I’m never letting you go again.”

“Clarke, I...”

“I know baby. I know why you left. But it’s over. Now it’s you and me. Forever.”

“I can’t... I...”

Clarke does not want Lexa to find an excuse for not giving her a chance.

“Lexa, look at me. Look at me Lex. Look at me.”

Lexa finally looks at her in the eye, she is sobbing.

“Do you love me?”

“God, yes, I do.”

“Then, I won’t hear any excuse for us not to be together.”

“I’m sick. I may not make it...”

“Stop this right now, Lexa.” Clarke is now angry.

“We are going to fight this battle together. And we are going to win this. We. Together. We as a team, as a couple.”

Lexa’s heart is on the verge of exploding with love for Clarke. Lexa cannot speak, her voice is stuck in her throat. So she nods as tears of joy and relief fall on both her cheeks. It’s like her mind is totally shutting down the past two weeks of negative emotion. Head over heart? But Clarke is different. Clarke is her priority, always. She will always come first.

“You are mine, Lexa. Mine. You hear that? You are mine.” Lexa nods furiously. Of course she is Clarke’s. She’s always been Clarke’s. “And I am yours. Not anybody else’s. Yours.” Lexa’s tears keep on blurring her vision making Clarke look even more like a mythical creature, out of this world.

Clarke caresses Lexa’s face and kisses her on her forehead. Then on both her eyelids, then on both cheeks, then on the corner of the mouth, then on the lips.

“I love you, baby.”

“I love you too, Clarke.” They look at each other with so much love in the eye that they cannot help but grin at each other. Then they both lean in and meet for a soft kiss on the lips. Then it grows more heated. Their hands are now travelling through the expense of the other’s body. They cling to clothes that they want to remove.

“Lexa, I want you.”

“I want you too.”

“I need you.”

“I need you too.”

“I want to make love to you.”

Lexa looks at her, suddenly feeling very nervous. Clarke senses Lexa’s body getting stiff. She’s afraid it’s all too much for Lexa to deal with right now.

“I didn’t necessarily mean right now... Sorry...”

“No, no. It’s not that... I mean I do want to make love to you too. I just...”

“I know, you must be exhausted and this, us, is a lot to take in....”

“No, it’s not that. I...” There’s no easy way to say what she wants to tell Clarke so she decides to. “I have not done this for a long time... well... ever actually.”

Clarke is shocked. Well, shocked might not be exactly what she feels right now. It’s a mixture of surprise and disbelief. How could a goddess like Lexa still be a virgin at 30? She immediately chastises herself for thinking that. It’s not shameful. Not at all. On the contrary, it’s sort of sweet...

“I never had sex with anyone. Not even Elizabeth. I couldn’t. She wasn’t you.”

Clarke’s heart explodes with love for Lexa and guilt. Clarke feels guilty for not realising back in university that Lexa was already in love with her. They have lost so much time. Time they could have spent being happy together.

“I’m sorry, Lex.”

“No, Clarke, don’t be.”

“But we could have been together if only I hadn’t been so blind...”

“It wasn’t the right time.”

Clarke considers it. Yes, maybe they wouldn’t have worked together as a couple back then. Maybe they were meant to wait until now...

“I don’t want to lose any more time.”

“I don’t want to, either.”

Clarke hugs Lexa as she cries. Time may not be on their side. The prospect of losing Lexa again, this time for good, sickens Clarke. She hugs Lexa tighter.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?” responds Clarke as she clings to Lexa.

“Promise me you will be happy, no matter what.”

“Lexa, please, don’t talk like that...”

“I would love to be the one making you happy...”

“You are. I don’t want anybody else.”

“... but I cannot promise you forever. I wish I could.”

Clarke kisses Lexa hard, desperately. When they break the kiss to breathe, Clarke replies “I know.”

They kiss again.

“Promise me, Clarke.”

Clarke is devastated at the idea of the brunette not in her life. But she loves her too much not to agree to this selfless wish from Lexa.

“I promise.”

Lexa seems satisfied with this answer. Lexa doesn’t want to think about her death and the idea of leaving Clarke behind is a torture. But Clarke is her priority, always. She wants to make sure that Clarke will take care of herself. That’s the only thing that matters for Lexa.

“Lexa, you’ve got to promise me something too.”

Lexa looks at her in the eyes. Clarke has a very serious expression on her face. Deadly serious, actually.

“Let me take care of you. Let me love you.”

Lexa’s heart is soaking so much of the blonde’s love that it hurts in her chest. She nods. “Okay.”

“No more secrets between us, I want to know what you feel, how you feel...”

“No more secrets yes.”

“From now on, it’s you and me.” Lexa nods approvingly. “You are mine and I am yours. You’re stuck with me. We are a couple.”

Lexa is insanely happy that Clarke wants them to be a couple. She plunges in the direction of paradise, aka Clarke’s lips.

“You okay with that? Being a couple?” Clarke teases Lexa.

“God, yes.” It eagerly comes out of the brunette’s luxurious mouth.

“Good. Because you don’t have a choice anyway.”

They kiss again. And it gets hot very quickly. Hands are caressing, touching the other’s body, pulling at clothes...

Clarke pushes Lexa to the bed and they carry on kissing there with the blonde on top of the brunette. Instinctively, Lexa wraps her legs around Clarke’s body to keep her close to her as possible. It makes Clarke moan.

“I love that, baby.”

“What?”

“When you wrap your legs around me.”

It makes Lexa shyly smile. They resume their making out session, more slowly this time. Clarke lets Lexa take the lead. Lexa cups Clarke’s face with both her hands and touches her lips with her thumb. Clarke closes her eyes from pleasure. It warms Lexa’s heart. Then Clarke plunges to kiss Lexa again. The brunette’s lips are swollen now and the blonde loves sucking Lexa’s bottom lip. It draws a shy moan from Lexa and it drives Clarke crazy.

Clarke pushes her hips into Lexa’s and the moaning intensifies. After a few thrusts both ladies’ breathing is erratic. So Clarke slows down a little. She doesn’t want to rush this. This moment is probably the most important in her life. She can feel it. She doesn’t want to mess it up. Lexa is the most important person in her life. She is the love of her life. Lexa deserves more than a quick shag. She deserves all her attention, all her love, all her devotion. She deserves to be worshipped, slowly, passionately. Lexa saved herself for her, for fuck’s sake.

“I think we should slow down.”

Lexa looks at her and it clear to Clarke that the brunette is worried. It is clearly written in her emerald eyes.

“Hey, tell me what’s happening in that beautiful mind of yours, baby.”

“I... I...”

Lexa cannot help the tears rolling from her cheeks.

“Oh no, baby, don’t cry. What’s wrong? Tell me. Please.”

“I... don’t have experience and...”

_Lexa thinks I am rejecting her because she is a virgin? Oh my God, she is so sweet..._

“Hey, hey, let me stop you right there. I am not rejecting you. I love you. God, I love you so much. I want you. I want to make love to you. But I don’t want to rush it. I want to take my time so that you and I can remember it as the best day of our lives. I already know I’m never going to forget today. It’s a lot to take in...”

“But I have never been with a woman...”

“So? Lexa, you are the love of my life, I know it. I want to be your best...”

Lexa doesn’t let Clarke finish her sentence and kisses her hard. It is clear what her intention is and the movement of her hips lifting to meet Clarke’s hips only reinforces it.

Clarke quickly loses herself in her kisses and she ends up naked on top of a similarly naked Lexa, between her legs. Suddenly they stop to look at each other in the eye, Lexa feels exposed and vulnerable. But there is so much love in Clarke’s eyes that the awkwardness of the situation completely disappears. She lunges to grab Clarke’s bottom lip between her teeth and Clarke’s left hand slowly travels down Lexa’s body to find her centre. Lexa gaps as Clarke’s fingers dips into her wet sex.

“Shhh... baby. I am here. I’ve got you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya accidentally witnesses Clarke and Lexa making love. After she dropped Lexa at her flat she drove back to her own flat, and after a while she remembered that Lexa forgot her bag in the boot of her car, so she decides to bring it back to Lexa and maybe have a chat with her. By now she must have realised Clarke has been living in her flat for the past few weeks. When she arrives at Lexa’s building, she doesn’t think twice and goes up. She doesn’t ring as she’s got a spare key and lets herself in. But then she hears crying, moaning and sobbing, she goes to the source of the noises and stops a couple of meters away from Lexa’s bedroom door. She sees Clarke and Lexa making passionate love.

A short while later, Anya decides to go to Raven’s place. Raven asks her why she doesn’t stop smiling and she explains that she witnessed a miracle. The most beautiful thing she’s seen in her whole life. Raven jokes and asks her if she’s on drugs. She explains that she accidentally stepped in on Lexa and Clarke making love for the first time.

“Clarke is back?”

“Yeah, and I don’t think she’ll leave the country ever again.”

“Wait a minute, you said you saw them making love?”

“Yeah, it was like... I don’t know... I’ve never seen such a level of intimacy and love and trust and passion... they were in perfect sync... And they were glowing together, there was like a halo around them...”

“Are you sure you’re not on drugs?”

“I think I’m under Clexa’s influence, the ultimate love drug.”

“Wow... I didn’t picture you as a creep, pervert...”

“No, you don’t understand, it was not creepy. It was so beautiful, a work of art.... it was like watching two beloved characters on your favourite TV show finally reunited and acknowledging the feelings they have for each other and doing something about it and and...”

“Wow, breathe babe.”

“It was so beautiful, I cannot explain it. They are true soulmates. I cannot imagine otherwise. Perfect sync. Like two pieces that perfectly fit with each other. That could not fit with any other but the other.”

“You’re not making a lot of sense there, babe.”

“Stop babe-ing me. I am not a cute little piggy...”

“Yes you are. You are my cute little piggy.”

“Anyway, back to Clexa, the point is: no, it was not creepy to watch. And I didn’t stay the entire time. I dunno, I probably stayed a couple of minutes.”

“Minutes? That’s it, you’re a perv.”

“No, am not.”

“Let’s ask Clarke or Lexa and see what they think about that?”

“Don’t you dare!”

“I am not the creepy one here!”

“It was not creepy.”

“Says the one who lurked on her cousin having sex with her best friend.”

“I was not lurking. It was an accident. And they were not having sex, they were making passionate love.”

“I never pictured you for such a sappy romantic pervert.”

“Shut-up.”

“Make me.”

Anya runs after Raven and as soon as she catches her, Raven cups her sex with her hand. The Latina’s eyes are pure lust. They have sex on the kitchen table. Then on the couch. Then on the coffee table and they end up making love in Raven’s bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably not what you expected and it seems things are moving really fast without really thinking... A lot of emotions and primal instinct here. Clearly some things need to be talked about, especially the not-calling-for-2-weeks misunderstanding/fiasco... And that's just scratching the surface, don't get me started on Lexa's treatment... A lot is coming but right now, Clarke and Lexa have a bit of physical relief in each other's arms.
> 
> About the Lexa being a virgin thing, before you fight me on this and say it is unrealistic, actually it is not unrealistic at all. It seems to be a shame in our society not to have done the do before a certain age, when it shouldn't. We just assume that because somebody is attractive and has gone on a few dates that they must automatically have lost their V-card. And I'm doing no discrimination here, it is valid for men, women, trans. It's a writer's choice to make Lexa a virgin at 30. It is not essential to the plot but it depicts Lexa as a selfless character who is extremely loyal to her heart and doesn't let herself influence by society's standards.
> 
> In the next chapter, angst is coming back and a lot of issues that haven't been discussed yet will resurface. 
> 
> Have a nice week and see you all at next chapter :)
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	26. Moving too quickly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> Hope you're all having a nice time and are getting ready for 2016 to end ;)
> 
> Without further ado, I give you chapter 26. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

Clarke wakes up in an empty bed. She immediately opens her eyes and looks for her lover. _Please, don’t tell me it was just a dream..._

Clarke realises it was not a dream as she quickly gets up, sees clothes on the floor, hers and Lexa’s. The blonde puts on a T-shirt and exits the bedroom.

Lexa is in the kitchen, wearing only a t-shirt and underwear. She looks through the kitchen’s window. She seems lost in her thoughts.

Clarke doesn’t know how to feel. On one hand she wants to quietly grab her sketchpad and draw Lexa’s graceful figure, but on the other hand she worries that Lexa might be thinking about them and it’s not particularly reassuring. Yesterday they reunited after 5 years apart, heartbreak, an accident and the brunette has cancer... Less than 24 hours ago they confessed their love to each other and consummated their love for the first time. Speaking of first times, it was also Lexa’s first sexual experience. Clarke has been very gentle and tender with Lexa. Not only because it was her first time, but also because of the immensity of her feelings for the brunette. Yesterday was not the first time for Clarke but it really felt like a first. Like a whole new chapter, or better yet, a whole new part in the book of her life. The most important part.

Clarke approaches as silently as a cat and whispers to her lover “Hey, baby, what are you thinking about?”

Lexa must have heard her coming because she is not startled at all. Instead she quietly replies “You.” Her tone is difficult to analyse for the blonde. Is it sadness? Remorse? Contained anger? It surely doesn’t sound optimistic, but Clarke doesn’t let that unsettle her.

“Tell me.”

Lexa slowly turns around and faces the blonde to reply as neutrally as possible “Why didn’t you call me?”

Clarke is stunned. How could Lexa think she didn’t call her? She tried but every time it ended up unanswered.

“I did.” Clarke’s tone is hurt and it surprises Lexa.

“You did?”

“23 times.”

“23?” Lexa cannot believe what she hears. How could it be when she spent most of her time ruminating in her room?

“I did.”

Clarke goes to grab her purse in the living room and retrieves the hotel’s bill from it. She shows it to Lexa. It clearly states that Clarke called the hospital. 23 times. _How could it be? I haven’t heard the phone ring at all... Weird..._

“I... I...”

“I love you, I wanted to be there with you...”

Lexa doesn’t know how to react to this, so she lets her feelings take over and steps in to hug Clarke. The blonde immediately holds on tight to her lover and they stand there in the middle of the kitchen, cuddling. At some point Clarke starts caressing Lexa’s hair. The light, loving strokes instantly soothe the brunette who relaxes and loosens her grip on Clarke.

“I love you.”

At these words, Clarke’s heart completely melts for Lexa. And she cannot help the tears from gathering in her eyes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“We should talk about this.” Lexa is vaguely gesturing at Clarke’s luggage dropped in the middle of the living room.

Clarke is looking at her quizzically. She doesn’t know if Lexa means the luggage or China or the fact that she basically moved in Lexa’s flat.

“Maybe we should start with the beginning...”

“Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?” Clarke doesn’t beat around the bushes and it unsettles Lexa for a moment, but she quickly recovers. She walks to the living room and sits on the couch. Clarke follows her but makes sure that there is a gap between them. She doesn’t want to suffocate her lover, not that it’s how Lexa feels right now, but she doesn’t want to take the chance.

Lexa knows Clarke’s question refers to their time before she left. Before the wedding. Before their first kiss.

“I thought you didn’t feel the same way and that it would ruin our friendship...”

“You left.”

“I didn’t know how to be around you after we... kissed. And you were getting married and I needed some space...”

“I read your letter.”

At this point Lexa is not even surprised that Clarke read her letter. Clarke has visibly moved in her flat so she assumed she might have stumbled upon a few things. Lexa isn’t embarrassed by the fact she read her letter. It was meant to be read in the first place. If the blonde hadn’t read it the day it was meant for, it’s only because of Octavia.

“Our kiss meant everything to me. You should have told me...”

“Octavia...”

“I know she didn’t want me to read the letter that day, she told me. She didn’t mean to... she meant no harm. But you should have talked to me.”

“I didn’t know how to...”

“You should have kissed me again.”

“You were getting married.”

“But deep down I know I was already in love with you. I hadn’t realised it yet. I was lying to myself.”

Lexa thinks about all the “what ifs” scenarios she cooked in her head the week leading to Clarke’s wedding. They all ended with Clarke gently letting her down, reflecting her own fears. But now, Clarke is telling her that it may have been a different outcome after all...

“Look at me, baby.” The pet name immediately grabs Lexa’s attention. “We can’t change the past, but we can build a future together. You and I. Would you like that?”

Lexa’s throat is blocked by a huge lump. _We lost so much time..._ She simply nods.

“I love you, Lexa. You know that, right?”

Lexa nods. She wants to reply but no sound comes out of her mouth. She is on the verge of crying.

“Hey baby, look at me. Lex, look at me.” Clarke grabs Lexa’s right hand and puts it on her heart. “Can you feel that? It’s my heart beating for you. I love you.”

Lexa breaks into tears. It’s all too much for her poor heart.

“Baby, don’t cry...”

“I...I... I love you... so much.”

“Awwww...”

Clarke and Lexa are both a crying mess at this point, but it doesn’t matter much as they can’t keep their hands to each other. They grab at each other’s clothes and heavily pant as their foreheads touch.

Clarke leans in to press Lexa’s lips but the brunette pushes her lightly. “It’s gross, my nose is running.” It makes the blonde chuckle. “I don’t care, baby, I am the same mess here.” Lexa smiles and replies “Okay then” as she closes the gap between her lips and her lover’s.

They kiss for a few minutes then break up softly. “I think we should blow our noses before carrying on.”

Clarke and Lexa smile at each other as they take a tissue each from the tissue box on the coffee table. It’s a bit awkward but it’s definitely not uncomfortable. Actually, it feels really domestic and it makes Clarke grin. Lexa tilts her head at her, wondering what’s in Clarke’s mind. If only she knew that right now Clarke envisions them 10 years from now, together, as a happy couple, sharing mundane domestic moments, casually, smiling. If only she knew that in Clarke’s mind, 10 years from now they are married.

_What are you thinking about?_ Lexa would like to know but she doesn’t dare asking the question.

Clarke feels that her chest is too small to contain her heart which is swollen with love for her soulmate sitting a few inches from her. Ever single movement Lexa makes pulls on Clarke’s heartstrings. The slightly raised eyebrow indicating that the brunette’s mind is wondering how to read the current situation, probably worrying a bit too. The shy grin on her face. The dilated pupils which almost completely obliterates the green of Lexa’s eyes searching for an answer in Clarke’s blue eyes. The adorable tilt of her head. Her luxurious brown mane. Her slightly awkward posture on the couch, on the reserve, waiting for some clues Clarke’s own body would give. Everything is clear in Clarke’s mind. She puts the used tissue on the table and grabs Lexa’s hands. Then she starts moving closer to Lexa. The brunette frowns. She doesn’t know how to read the situation but it all becomes very clear when Clarke suddenly kneels in front of her. Or at least Lexa thinks she knows. Or is it her heart wishing for something and reading this all wrong?

“Lexa... I love you.” Lexa is breathless. “Make me the happiest woman on earth and be my wife.”

Lexa freezes. It worries Clarke _. Did I read this all wrong? Is it too much? Oh my god, what have I done?_

But Lexa quickly recovers and leans in to grab Clarke’s lips with her own. The blonde immediately relaxes and when they break the kiss for much needed air, Clarke shyly asks “Is this a yes?”

Lexa slightly nods her reply. She confirms it verbally after a quick peck on her fiancee’s lips. “Yes. It’s a yes.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

They don’t make love straight after. Instead they stay on the living room couch, lying on it, snuggled up with each other, legs untangled. Lexa’s body is pressed on top of Clarke’s. The blonde is gently stroking the brunette’s hair while pressing kisses on the crown of her head from time to time. Lexa is absentmindedly caressing Clarke’s arm, her skin, from the tip of her fingers. A feather-like kind of touch. It is very soothing for the both of them. They stay like that for quite some time, until Clarke’s cellphone rings and vibrates.

“Mum?... Yeah I’m back from China, obviously... I know, I wanted to call you but... Can we talk later please?... I’m with Lexa.” Clarke puts her right hand over the mic of her phone and whispers to Lexa “My mum says hi.” Lexa smiles and mutters to reply the same. “She says hi too, mum... Ok... Yes... Let’s do that... Tuesday night, 8pm. Ok... I’ll come with Lexa.” The brunette smiles at that. She is not the least bit surprised that Clarke wants her to come with her at her mum’s. When they were younger, Lexa was so often invited at the Griffins that she was practically living there 90% of the time. Hell, she didn’t even need an invitation. It was implied. She was the second daughter. But now it’s going to be different. She’ll come as Clarke’s fiancée. Her lover and future wife. Are they moving too quickly? 24 hours ago they were long lost friends with a lot of unsaid things between them and now they are engaged, they made love for the first time and they are living together. They haven’t really talked about that particular thing yet but it sure looks like they are effectively living together. Lexa thinks that maybe she should address this point...

“Lex, baby, what are you thinking about? Don’t you want to come to mum’s?” It makes Lexa’s heart sing that Clarke is referring to her own mum as their mother’s. Both Clarke and Lexa’s mother.

“No, of course I want to come with you. It’s just... It’s a lot to take in. The whole... situation... it’s a lot.”

“Oh...”

“No, don’t take this wrong. I want you, I want us. I want to be with you. But there are so many things we should talk about... For instance, are we living together?”

“Huh... about that...” Clarke suddenly feels a bit uncomfortable. She knows she moved in without asking for Lexa’s consent. Hell, how could she give her consent while she was in a coma? Anyway, that is not the point, she shouldn’t have moved in, full stop.

“I am not complaining. I am just wondering.”

“Would you like for me to live with you?”

“Of course I would like that. Would you?”

Clarke is relieved. “Of course, baby, I want to be with you.”

“Do you still have your flat?”

“Yeah...”

“Would you prefer to move into your flat? I mean you and I obviously.”

“I don’t know. No. I think I prefer it here. There’s too much history in my flat.”

“Bad history?”

“Not all of it. That’s where we first kissed. But that’s also where I cried when you left.”

Lexa feels instantly guilty. She can only imagine what it was like for Clarke, not to know where Lexa had vanished and why. She, herself, cried a lot, though she wouldn’t admit it out loud.

“It’s over. Now, we are together. We are engaged. I want to start this whole new chapter with you somewhere new, without memories, where we can build our future together. And here, so far, we have good memories together, haven’t we?”

“If you take into account the past 24 hours then I suppose you’re right.” Lexa tries to reply with a joking tone.

“Hey, baby, we are going to be alright. We are moving fast but I know what I want. I want you. And I think we have waited long enough. We need to seize the day. Carpe diem.”

“I want you too. I have no doubt about that.”

They kiss.

“But we surely are moving very quickly, future Mrs Woods.”

“Huh huh... Future Mrs Griffin, we are both consenting adults and we know what we want from life.”

“Future Mrs Griffin, huh?”

Clarke and Lexa end their Sunday in the bedroom, consummating their engagement until late in the evening, their whole body aching from the past 36 hours’ activities.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the title indicates, things are moving very/too quickly for Clarke and Lexa. They have lost over 5 years, being apart, and now they are so willing to make up for lost time that they are precipitating a bit (or a lot ^^). In the next chapter you'll see the reaction from their family and friends.
> 
> I hope to publish chapter 27 for Christmas or close to the 25th. In the meantime I wish all an excellent week.
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	27. Lost in thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody,
> 
> Merry Christmas to you all, wherever you are, I hope you're having a nice time.
> 
> My Christmas present to you guys is chapter 27 (thanks again to my lovely beta who worked during Christmas). Hope you enjoy it.

 

 

 

“Clarke, how nice to see you.” Costia says as she shakes her hand. Lexa is not surprised that her doctor knows her lover as she apparently spent a lot of time at the hospital, but she didn’t know they were on the first name basis.

“Hi Costia.”

“Hello Lexa.”

“Costia.” Lexa replies.

“So, how are we going to proceed?” Clarke doesn’t beat around the bushes; she is determined to fight alongside Lexa to get rid of the brunette’s leukaemia. Her evident resolve makes Costia smile. The young doctor can feel that together, Clarke and Lexa are a powerful team able to move mountains if necessary.

“I will get the biopsy results in a couple of days and as soon as we know more about the progression, we will be able to choose the most relevant course of actions. More precisely the right drug and dosage. And we will start right away.”

They discuss for roughly half an hour before leaving hospital and head back home after a long day. Clarke was reluctant to go to the office in the morning but Lexa convinced her. And anyway, the brunette wanted to go back to her work as well. She’s been away for far too long, more than she would have liked. Lexa has always had a strong sense of duty, right from kindergarten. And though she has appointed Marcus to second her in her job obligations and she’s been very pleased by his work, she is still supposed to be the team leader. Clarke tried to make her stay at home but she knew that it would be pointless to start persuading her. Lexa can be very stubborn when it comes to duty.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you presentable?”

“What?”

“Can I come in?”

“Of course, An. What are you talking about?” Lexa doesn’t know what’s going on in her cousin’s mind. _Why is she asking if I am presentable? And what is that grin on her face? What did I miss?_

“Hi Clarke.”

“Hi Anya.”

Lexa observes the two women greeting as she closes the door of her flat behind her cousin. Lexa knows that Clarke and Anya have been friends, especially since moving to the city centre back in university. But she has never seen such complicity in their eyes. It feels weird. Is she jealous? After all, Anya was there for Clarke when she was not. She was the one who comforted her; she was the shoulder to cry on. Lexa’s heart squeezes in her chest as she imagines Clarke crying because of her.

“So... what’s up ladies?” Anya glances at both girls with a knowing look.

Clarke takes a step back to find her place next to Lexa, by her right side. Then she interlocks their fingers. It makes Anya’s grin to widen as she nods her head approvingly.

“Lexa and I...”

“FINALLY!” Anya cannot take it any longer and scream her joy for both women. She saw them fall in love with each other. Well, scratch that, in reality she witnessed them realising they were in love with each other, Lexa during her first year at university and Clarke much later when the brunette had disappeared. However Anya suspects that deep down Clarke always knew. But right now it is of no importance, it doesn’t matter when they did realise they had romantic feelings for one another, the most important thing is that they are together.

“You don’t let us finish.” Lexa complains.

“Oh come on, don’t play killjoy.” Anya says as she pinches Lexa’s left arm.

“An, don’t touch my fiancée please.”

This immediately stops Anya in her track. Her eyes are now as wide as saucers _. Have I heard it right? She said fiancée, right? It’s not my mind imagining this?_ Anya doesn’t realise that now her jaw hangs wide open.

“Close your mouth, for fuck’s sake. You look like a dead fish.” Lexa teases her cousin.

“Oh, shut it.”

Clarke looks at her friend and radiates joy as she holds Lexa’s hand in hers. Then she brings said hand to her mouth to kiss the back of Lexa’s hand.

“We are getting married.”

“W...wh...wow.” Anya is speechless. Of course she is happy for them. They deserve their happiness, but isn’t it too soon? They’ve only properly reconnected a couple of days ago, and by _properly reconnected_ Anya means the whole package of what she had a snapshot of. The kissing, moaning, hugging, sex... everything.

“We know it may sound like we decided this impulsively.” Lexa states matter-of-factly.

“Well...” Anya starts forming thought in her brain.

“We have lost enough time already.” Clarke argues.

“Sure...” Anya wants to speak but one more time, her cousin interrupts her. “We don’t know how long I’ll live.” The temperature in the room instantly gets cold. Ah... Lexa and her legendary optimistic approach to life...

“We will fight this cancer, baby” the term of endearment warms Anya’s heart, she feels happy for her cousin “and we will be victorious. You and I. Together. I am not letting you go.” Clarke stares at her lover in the eye as she delivers her motivational speech. Anya witnesses the unspoken bond between the two women in front of her. There is a sort of halo around them, sort of a magnetic field, an intense attraction pull between the blonde and the brunette. Clarke speaks and Lexa listens but there are more things said with their eyes than the words coming out of the blonde’s mouth. And they completely, tacitly understand each other. Anya feels like a privileged spectator who’s been given the chance to see a unique performance. She is brought back to reality when Lexa turns her head towards her and Anya almost chokes on her own saliva as she gulps.

“Are you alright?” Lexa asks a bit concerned as her cousin’s face reddens.

“Errr... Have you told mama G?”

Anya doesn’t know Abby Griffin as well as Lexa, but she is pretty sure she’ll have something to say about them getting engaged this fast. Not that she would disapprove of Lexa to become her daughter-in-law because she is already considering her as her second daughter. But it seems precipitated.

“We are having dinner at mum’s tomorrow evening.”

“Right. Good luck.”

“What? Mum loves Lexa.”

“Of course she does. I’m not saying otherwise...” Anya now sports a crooked smile.

“What? Spill.” Lexa is not in the mood with her cousin’s antics.

“I’m just curious. I wanna know how mama G will react, that’s all.”

“Alright, if that’s all you came for, you can go home.”

“Oh come on, don’t take it wrong.” Anya teases Lexa.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re what?”

“Mum!!!” Clarke complains at her mother’s shocked expression.

“Are you alright, Abby?” Marcus is quite concerned by his lover who seems to be choking on a piece of turkey right now.

“Mum, listen...”

“Clarke, I think your mum is choking?”

“Oh my God, are you alright?” Lexa is now very concerned, this is not how she imagined Clarke’s mother reaction. And Clarke who is too stubborn to realise that her mom has now trouble breathing. It looks like a clichéd holiday movie where everything that can go wrong does. Murphy’s law in full force. Since they arrived an hour and half ago, things have been messy. Clarke had told Lexa her mother’s boyfriend would be here but she failed to mention his name so when they arrived at the Griffin’s family house and Lexa saw her colleague she just saw earlier today, she almost chokes on her own saliva. She quickly recovered and things were fortunately not too awkward. It was a good thing Marcus was a good collaborator at work because otherwise Lexa wouldn’t have been able to relax she thinks. At least he was more at ease in the office than in a house, performing normal household chores.

Marcus tripped over an apple which fell from the grocery bag that nobody noticed. He was carrying the mash potatoes and of course it finished its destiny on the floor. Then Clarke proposed to cook some rice to make up for it and as soon as she plugged the rice cooker in, it blew a fuse. They settled for a can of baked beans. And now Abby is suffocating with a piece of turkey because she cannot believe her ears. Her daughter is getting married, again, this time with Lexa though they have technically reunited only 4 days ago. Of course it is difficult to swallow. Now Lexa thinks about Anya’s crooked smile and cannot stop hearing her amused laugh in her head.

Abby manages to spit the bit that was threatening her life. She is now looking very red and Lexa wonders if it is only due to the turkey.

“Mum, you don’t understand, we love each other...”

“Oh oh! I was choking here. Give me a minute, will you?”

“I am just saying that I’m an adult, I know what I am doing, I just wanted you to know that I am happy and that Lexa is going to be your daughter-in-law.”

“I already knew that.”

“How? Did Anya...?”

“I have always known, I think. I may be thick sometimes, but I saw through you two. Dad saw it too.”

“Dad?”

“Yes, your dad, honey. He told me when you were both... I don’t know... 14 or 15... that he was glad you two had found each other and that he loved his future daughter-in-law.”

Clarke has now tears pooling in her eyes and to say that Lexa was doing better would be a gross lie. Both women were very emotional right now.

“With that being said, I am happy for you. Of course I am. For the both of you. But I think you should take some time to think this through before rushing. I am not implying that you two shouldn’t get married but don’t rush this or you’ll regret it.”

“Abby, time is not on side.”

“Lexa, dear, don’t talk like that. You are going to make it.”

“But statistically...”

“Fuck the statistics, you’re going to stick around for my daughter, you hear me?”

Lexa gulps. Abby’s tone is now changing into a resentful one and Lexa cannot help but think that Clarke’s mother is referring to the past 5 years when she disappeared into thin air.

“And anyway the statistics are in your favour honey. You are going to be okay. The both of you. You hear me?”

“Yes, mum.”

“Yes, Abby.”

“Call me mum.”

Lexa is not really stunned because Abby has always considered herself as a second mother to the brunette, ever since her parents passed away. But Lexa never could call her mum, and Abby had never insisted. But now is different. Lexa will truly be her daughter. She will officially be part of the family and for a moment she wonders if things go well for her and Marcus, she’ll be working with her father-in-law. Well, not really but they will be part of the same family. It could be a problem Lexa thinks. _Unless nobody knows. And anyway I know how to separate private life from duties..._

“What are you thinking, baby?”

Lexa didn’t realise that for a moment she blanked.

“Errr... sorry, I was just... yeah, mum.”

This makes Abby smile. And she cannot help herself but feeling nostalgic about Jake. He would have loved to witness this moment, the exact moment her only daughter finally realises she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her soulmate. Because there is no doubt that those two are soulmates. Abby is sure that somewhere in heaven where Jake must be, he looks down at his daughter, or shall we say, his daughters with an extreme affection and pride. He would be worried for Lexa’s condition but Abby would reassure him and promise him to do everything in her power to treat Lexa. Of course she is not Lexa’s doctor but she has her ways at PFH. Not that she would require bribing anybody. But just in case. Who knows?

“Mum?” Clarke tilts her head at her mother who is clearly lost in her thoughts.

“Huh?”

“Where did you go?”

“Everyone seems very pensive tonight.” Marcus comments. “It’s nice.”

“It is.” Clarke responds as she grabs Lexa’s hand and brings it to her mouth to give it a kiss. Lexa turns her head to look at her and mouths a silent _I love you_. It makes Clarke’s heart sing and she leans in to grab Lexa’s lips with her own. “I love you too, baby.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to get chapter 28 ready for publishing before I leave for a few days but I cannot guarantee it so worst case scenario it'll be during the first week of January. In the meantime I wish you all the best for 2017.
> 
> Take care of yourselves :)
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	28. Punk Ladies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> First things first: happy new year to you all and all my best wishes for 2017.
> 
> I know I promised to publish last week and I was nearly done on time but it had to be postponed to this morning. Anyway, without further ado I give you chapter 28. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

“Lex, what is happening? Talk to me, baby. Why are you crying?” Clarke has her hear glued to the bathroom door trying to decipher what is happening inside. All she can tell is that Lexa is crying. Alone in the bathroom. When she woke up 20 minutes ago, Lexa seemed perfectly normal. Maybe not in a perfect mood, a bit exhausted yes, but nothing out of the ordinary.

“Lex, open the door please.”

Clarke is afraid that Lexa might not let her in. Her lover has a tendency to become withdrawn when facing a crisis, not wanting to burden others. But the brunette opens the door almost instantly.

“What happened? Baby, tell me...” Clarke doesn’t need further explanation when she catches a glimpse at what Lexa is holding in her right hand. Brown hair, a handful. So that’s it, Lexa is losing her hair due to the new drugs she got for her chemo. Two weeks ago Clarke accompanied her fiancée to PFH for the new chemo session. Costia warned them that it would be a stronger drug cocktail and she specifically told them that it would be probable that it would induce hair loss. Clarke was prepared for that, but maybe Lexa was not fully ready for it.

Clarke immediately takes Lexa in her arms and caresses her cheeks to dry her fallen tears. “Shhh baby, it’s alright.”

“I... I... I didn’t think... I hoped...” Lexa says between sobs.

“Hey baby, it’s okay. It will grow back. It’s nothing. It means your body is fighting the disease, it’s good.”

Even if Clarke smiles at her and caresses her cheeks, Lexa doesn’t feel very reassured. At the moment the only thing she can focus on is the fact that she is losing her hair. And it scares her. Not because she is worried about her appearance, but because it is a visible reminder of the battle she is fighting and she doesn’t really view this as a motivator. Yes, her body is reacting to the meds and that’s a good sign, but it also means that everyone at work will guess that she is sick and they may pity her. And Lexa doesn’t want people to pity her. She doesn’t need pity. She needs to get better. For herself and for Clarke. For them to live happily ever after.

“Hey baby, tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Clarke asks her lover as she pulls her chin up with two fingers.

Lexa’s eyes slowly come up to meet the blonde’s loving and worried gaze. Lexa doesn’t know how to express what she is feeling right now. She feels overwhelmed. Fortunately, Clarke has always been pretty good with reading her best friend’s facial expressions. And even if they haven’t seen each other for over 5 years, Lexa’s silent expressions haven’t changed and Clarke is still accurately attuned to them.

“Hey baby, it’s gonna be alright. You hear me? We are going to be alright.”

It’s the _we_ Clarke uses to refer to them that finally helps relaxing the anxious brunette. Clarke unconsciously realised that and immediately embraces her lover into a tight hug. Lexa is a bit taken aback and lets the handful of hair she was still holding fall onto the bathroom tiles to grip at the blonde’s back. They stay like that for a few minutes before Clarke decides that the tiles are too hard and far too cold to be comfortable. They should cuddle in bed, under the covers. It’s decided they are not going to the office today. They need to spend the day together, cuddled up under the covers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Around 3pm, Clarke wakes up from a nap. Lexa is still lightly snoring on her chest.

Clarke has an idea. She grabs her cell-phone where she left it on the nightstand. She types a quick text and hits send. A few seconds later her phone vibrates to indicate that she has received a reply. She checks it, smiles at it and puts the phone back on the nightstand. Lexa is still asleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa wakes up from her slumber around 5pm. She is alone in bed. For a moment Lexa worries that Clarke left. Irrational thoughts immediately come to her mind: Clarke leaving her because she is losing her hair, Clarke deciding that they are moving too fast and needs time to reassess...

“Hey baby. You awake?”

Clarke’s husky voice has an instantaneous relaxing effect on the brunette. _Clarke is still here, I’m ok..._

“Hey baby, I’ve made myself a cup of tea. Do you want one too?”

Lexa nods approvingly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

Lexa doesn’t really like surprises. Well, actually that’s not true. She uses to like surprises, especially if they were coming from Clarke. But that was before Clarke started dating in high school. From that moment, Lexa’s heart always squeezed in her chest when Clarke told her she had a surprise for her. But now it should be different. They are together now. They are a couple. There is nobody keeping them apart. The only thing that comes between them is her bloody leukaemia...

“Hey baby, just relax. Chill out. It’s going to be ok.”

Lexa lets her fiancée guide her in the public transportation. Around 7pm they reach their destination, the blonde declares. They are in a residential neighbourhood of Polis suburbs. Lexa doesn’t know this area much. She doesn’t know anyone who lives there. Huh, wait a minute, yes, actually she does. Lincoln used to live nearby...

“Hey guys, you’re here.”

Lexa cannot believe her eyes. Lincoln. Her friend Lincoln. He is still living in the neighbourhood and apparently he’s kept contact with Clarke. Well, that shouldn’t surprise Lexa because even before she left Polis, Lincoln and Octavia were already an item. And Octavia being Clarke’s friend, and flatmate for a while...

“Don’t stay there in the cold, get inside.”

“Thanks, Linc.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“No Clarke! I don’t want you to do that. Please.”

Lexa is now crying as Octavia tries to restrain her from moving. Clarke is sitting on a stool and Lincoln is standing behind her, holding in his right hand the object which is causing all this drama.

“Baby, please relax, it’s ok. I want to do it.”

“Nooooo... please... Clarke...”

“Come on Lexa, she wants to do it. It was her idea. Linc, tell her.”

“Lexa, I swear it was her idea.”

“Yes, baby, it is my idea. My choice, I want to do it.”

“But... people will think...”

“I don’t care about what people will think. Let them think what they want, I don’t give a shit. It’s my choice.”

“Lexa, Clarke is doing it for you...”

“I know that. It’s just...”

“Baby, we are in this together. And don’t worry about that, once I’m done, it’s your turn.”

At that Lexa shuts up. Yes, she knows she is next. An hour ago she didn’t know it would be the end of her wild mane, that Lincoln would shave it all off. And she surely didn’t expect Clarke to do the same. Hell, it was her idea. Of course Lexa had briefly thought about shaving her head in the eventuality that her hair might come off with the chemo but she hoped it wouldn’t. And then this morning it happened. She never really discussed the shaving bit with Clarke but apparently her fiancée had already a plan in mind. In a way it feels extra romantic that her lover is doing that. It’s a sharing experience, even considering the gloomy circumstances. It still is sweet.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Less than an hour later, Clarke is resting her freshly shaven head on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa’s head is also equally freshly shaven. Octavia and Lincoln are sitting opposite them at the table.

“We are happy that you are coming to our wedding next month. Together, I mean.”

“We wouldn’t miss it.” Clarke replies for her fiancée and herself. Lexa nods approvingly. Of course she is happy for Lincoln and Octavia. They have always been good friends. Especially Lincoln. And she’ll come as Clarke’s fiancée. Soon it will be their turn to get hitched.

“Maybe we should come home now, tomorrow we both need to get back to the office.”

“Of course. Would you like for me to call a taxi for you guys?”

“No, that’s alright, we’ll take the subway. Can we just borrow a couple of beanies?”

Octavia grins at that. It reminds her of an endless discussion with Clarke back when they were still at university and one night Octavia had come back home wearing a beanie. Clarke had laugh and told her she looked like a proper lesbian. Then they argued for hours about the lesbian look.

 

 

* * *

 

 

December in Polis is quite cold and it’s not unusual that it snows. It hasn’t snowed this year yet, but in the subway they have already put the heaters to the maximum. It’s like entering a grill oven, and if it’s packed it’s more like experiencing a preview of what hell could be like. So when Lexa and Clarke board their train, they suddenly feel like they are suffocating. They immediately remove their scarves and beanies, because, hell, it’s too hot in there.

After a couple of stations, Lexa realises that a couple of old people are looking at them in a weird way. She tenses up and Clarke can sense it immediately. The blonde soon finds out the source for her fiancée to be all stiff about.

“Relax baby” she whispers into her fiancée’s ear “they are probably jealous because we look badass together.” Lexa doubts that it’s what’s going on in the old couple’s heads. They are probably disapproving of their hairstyle and the fact that they are a couple. Because it’s obvious to anyone with eyes, even with barely functioning eyes, Lexa and Clarke are a couple. They don’t even try to hide it. Sure, they are not jumping each other in public. Lexa has never been keen on public displays of affection anyway, even with friends (even with Clarke). The blonde has never been the kind to smooch her partner in front of a crowd either, but it’s obvious that they are a couple in the way their body behaves with one another. They are moving like magnets, they are barely touching but you can feel it, an attraction field connecting them. And their eyes... don’t get Anya started on their eyes. She thinks it’s the perfect definition of what heart eyes are supposed to look like. So even if they don’t interlace their fingers in public, it is clear that they are in love with each other.

Two stations before Lexa and Clarke’s stop, the old couple stands up and gets ready to disembark the train. Before they exit the carriage, the woman approaches Lexa.

“You look like a punk.”

Lexa is gobsmacked. That is not what she was expecting. It makes Clarke grin a bit.

“Our daughter used to be a punk, back in the day. She and her girlfriend were both into that punk movement, really. They were very much in love. Not a day passes when I don’t think about them. Be careful, you two. Take care of each other.”

Then the old couple is gone and the train resumes its course.

“We are officially punk ladies, baby. I love that.”

“We will take care of each other, won’t we?”

“Of course, baby. Always.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 chapters left until the end!!
> 
> Thank you all for the support, comments and kudos, it means a lot to me. Thank you :)
> 
> Have a nice week you guys :)
> 
> Tumblr:  
> http://ozmoz.tumblr.com/


	29. Game Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> It took me ages to finally write that chapter but here it is :) Hope you'll enjoy it.
> 
> Without further ado I give you chapter 29.

On January 22nd Octavia and Lincoln tie the knot. It’s a lovely winter celebration. Under a thick layer of snow, Polis looks like a modern fairytale city. The couple has chosen this time of year as it’s their favourite season, and as a wedding gift everyone participated in their honey moon’s fundraising. Octavia and Lincoln are going to ski for a couple of weeks in Europe, in the Alps. Octavia got her husband a brand new snowboard while he got his wife one of the latest version of the GoPro to record her skiing feats.

Raven and Anya spend the evening playing kissy faces in the corner of the reception hall while Clarke and Lexa can’t stop holding hands and staring at each other with heart eyes. Abby is happy for her daughter. It is clear that she is in love and that it’s reciprocated on the same level. It warms Abby’s heart.

At some point during the evening Clarke manages to drag Lexa on the dancefloor. They are barely moving, too occupied to hold each other tight against their beating hearts and pampering the other with small, feather-like kisses. Clarke can’t help stroking Lexa’s hair, which makes the brunette purr in her arms. They are the perfect picture of a couple in love. And hopefully in a few months’ time it will be their turn. But for now the spotlight is on their friends and it’s for the best.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Since Lexa and Clarke are together, the girls and their friends have revived an old tradition:  Thursday evening game night. When they were all in University they started this tradition. They would often crash at Clarke and Octavia’s place, bringing pizzas and beers and for hours they would play board or card games. And more often than not there would be some arguments during the night as to whether one of them cheated. This was all done in good fun. And now, more than ever, Lexa and Clarke need this kind of routine which also brings good souvenirs to the light again. But with Lexa’s new treatment, the brunette is often fast asleep after an hour. Clarke lies on the sofa with her girlfriend tucked in her arms, legs intertwined and if it’s too cold, Anya puts a blanket on top of Lexa’s sleeping form. It makes Raven swoon over her fierce girlfriend.

 “Awww… you’re too cute.”

“I am not.”

All would laugh at the tall dark blonde and she would give them all the middle finger before sitting back down, next to the Latina.

 

Game nights are always at Lexa’s flat now, because the brunette always falls asleep on Clarke very early in the evening. So they do game night at their flat so that Lexa can feel included though she spends the entire evening dozing off on Clarke who caresses her scalp all night.

As Clarke cannot move, with Lexa lying on top of her, Octavia has to move her little figurine on the board and it’s not without some protest as the newly wed keeps on doing whatever suits her best to win against the blonde girl.

“You’re too happy Lexa is asleep, huh? Not moving your arse…”

“My arse is feeling just fine on that couch, thank you very much. And stop trying to cheat, O. You won’t win like that.” Clarke says to her friend as she slightly tightens her grip on her sleeping girlfriend. Lexa doesn’t even register what is happening. She is soundly asleep.

It’s true that the blonde usually ends up winning anyway. And even more so since they revived the tradition of Thursday gaming night. It seems like the blonde is on a lucky streak. Maybe her luck comes from Lexa… Being happy and in love gives people wings…

Tonight is Monopoly night and it would be an understatement to say that Clarke was the queen of Monopoly. Every single time, she manages to be the hotels’ master. And Lexa knew this of course. So when everyone arrived at 7pm for game night, Lexa had suggested they play Monopoly and she would team-up with her lover as she would probably fall asleep again. And nobody had dared denying Lexa her choice. Because on the last 3 occurrences of game night, Anya had chosen Taboo, Lincoln had opted for Uno and Octavia insisted on playing Kings & Queen. It was Lexa’s turn and the brunette wanted her girlfriend to win.

 

 

Around 8.30pm, half of the pizzas have already been eaten and Clarke owns half of the hotels on the board. She is building her empire and it makes Raven and Octavia sigh of frustration.

 

 

At 8.45pm Lincoln declares that there’s no point carrying on the game as Clarke is already pushing everyone to bankruptcy and he can tell that his wife is on the verge of exploding. He tentatively approaches her to give her a neck massage. Hopefully this will defuse the bomb that Octavia is nursing inside her chest. You see, the young financial advisor is a fair player but when it comes to playing with Clarke, somehow she loses her self-control and it soon becomes a competition between her and her friend. Every single time. Especially at Monopoly.

 

 

 

At 8.53pm, Lexa, still asleep, starts moving on top of her girlfriend. Small movements. Clarke fears that her girlfriend is having nightmares or could be in pain. She tightens her grip and strokes the brunette’s bald head to reassure and relax her. It instantly soothes the girl but a few seconds later, it becomes clear to her and almost everyone else in the room that Lexa is not really in pain. Oh no. Rather the contrary. She is slowly dry humping her girlfriend in her sleep and she is now emitting quiet moans. Clarke’s face immediately reddens.

“Huh... guys... Can we...”

“... call it a night?” Anya declares with a mischievous grin on her face. Oh Lexa is never going to live that down. She is going to make so much fun of her cousin...

Lincoln smiles at her blonde friend and whispers in her wife’s ear. Octavia, whose attention was on the Monopoly board, refocuses her eyes to the couch where she now clearly sees a sleeping Lexa rubbing herself on her girlfriend’s thigh.

“Oh...”

This only makes Clarke’s face even redder. Could it be more tomato-like? But fortunately Raven decides to end her friend’s misery and stands up, pulling her girlfriend with her.

“Ok, that’s it for us. We’ll head back home.” Raven declares as she interlaces her fingers with Anya’s.

Lincoln does the same with his wife and everyone let’s themselves out.

“Okay. Thank you.” Clarke is relieved that her friends understood what was going on and yet decided not to turn this situation to a joke. Because it was Lexa. And because they all knew what Lexa meant to Clarke. They all knew how much they loved each other and how much pain they were currently enduring. They knew that the chemotherapy was exhausting Lexa and leaving her so tired and without any hunger or thirst for anything. Not even Clarke. Of course, Lexa was still very much in love with Clarke but her body was irresponsive. Her libido was on stand-by. And whenever she tried to make love to her girlfriend, she ended up half-asleep in no time. Clarke felt very frustrated but never blamed her girlfriend. She will be patient. They both waited for so long before finally being reunited that a few months of wait for not going to be the end of the world. And anyway sex was not their priority at the moment. Lexa’s health was. But, with that being said, if somehow tonight Lexa’s body was responsive, Clarke was going to make sure that Lexa would enjoy it as much as she could.

“Hey baby, wake-up baby.” Clarke whispers to her lover’s ears.

Lexa carries on humping her girlfriend’s leg. Apparently she has not heard Clarke’s voice. So the blonde tries again, this time slightly louder and stroking the base of Lexa’s neck with her left thumb.

“Baby? Wake-up my love.”

“Mmmm...” Lexa finally responds, still groggy with sleep.

“Are you horny?”

Lexa is suddenly very awake. And she looks stunned. No, not stunned, shocked. Her face says _What are you talking about_? But you can also read something along those lines: _What have I done? Oh God, please don’t tell me I’ve talked in my sleep... Shit. Shit. Shit._

“Hey baby, that’s ok if you’re horny. You don’t have to be ashamed.”

Lexa doesn’t want to reply to this. Of course she knows she doesn’t need to be ashamed. It’s only natural to want sex anyway. It’s not an abomination like some people would like to make us think. And she knows her girlfriend was not patronising her. It was meant to be flirty really and it warms Lexa’s heart. But she soon realises that they are alone. Their friends who were supposed to be there for game night were nowhere to be seen in the room. Clarke immediately realises what’s going on in her lover’s head and reassures her.

“That’s ok baby, they left. It’s just you and I.”

Lexa’s brain registers the information and instantaneously acts on it. Lexa’s head is on autopilot and her lips find Clarke’s lips half a second later. The two girls start moaning with intense pleasure and relief. After a good couple of minutes, they break their embrace to catch their breath.

“Oh baby...” Clarke’s blue eyes are lost in the half-lidded and loving stare of her girlfriend.

“I love you, Clarke.” Lexa declares with a serious tone. Because this is serious. She loves Clarke and no matter how often she tells the blonde, it will still have the same importance to her. And Clarke knows this.

“Awwww... baby. I love you too.”

They resume kissing at an erratic pace. It’s almost like they have not seen each other for ages. It feels overwhelming. Too much, too intense. There is more than love in those kisses. It almost feels like there is something wrong, something Lexa is not telling her lover. Like she doesn’t want her to worry... Clarke’s hands are now holding Lexa’s face still for a second to allow the blonde to break their kiss.

“Wow baby, calm down. Is there something wrong?”

Lexa looks at Clarke like she’s holding out something important.

“Baby, talk to me, please.”

“I...I....”

Clarke can see tears slowly forming in Lexa’s eyes.

“Wow wow baby. What’s wrong? Tell me, baby. I am here for you.”

“I...” Lexa’s voice is weak. Like she cannot find the strength to speak the words she wants to let out.

Clarke knows best than to pressure her lover into talking when she clearly doesn’t feel comfortable enough. So she grabs hold of her girlfriend’s torso and holds her close to her generous chest. She knows that her breasts have always fascinated Lexa and since they are together she also knows that resting her head on her boobs has the power to sooth the brunette.

After a short while Lexa’s hands finally tightens around her girlfriend’s shoulders.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Shhhh... baby. I am here. You’re not going to lose me.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.” Clarke whispers as she kisses the crown of Lexa’s head.

Lexa sighs of contentment. She can feel the love her girlfriend has for her. It’s like a bubble of safety all around them both. It sometimes feels like they are wrapped in a cotton nest, secure from the attacks of the outside world. Nothing can reach them when they are together. They are stronger together.

Lexa lifts her head so that she can look at her lover in the eyes. _God, those eyes... I am totally, desperately in love with those eyes..._

When their lips touch again, it’s carefully slow. And it soon becomes a passionate dance of perfectly choreographed push and pulls. It feels like heaven.

Clarke’s hands start their descent towards Lexa’s butt. And she immediately palms her cheeks as soon as she reaches the Promised Land. It makes Lexa smile so widely that it breaks their kissing session for a moment.

“You like my arse, don’t you?”

“Mmmm... yeah, I quite like your arse, my darling.”

“Good, because it’s yours.”

This makes Clarke chuckle. _God, I am so in love with that smile_.

“Are those mine?” Lexa now palms Clarke’s right boob and absentmindedly strokes it with her thumb.

“Of course, my love. I am all yours.”

Lexa’s grin could not get wider now. And the one on Clarke’s face is a perfect reflection. Both girls are irremediably in love with each other.

For the first time in 3 months they are going to make love. And it’s probably not the most comfortable setting really or the most romantic one but it doesn’t matter. Because they are in love and it’s all that matters.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so now should be a good time to mention (no, it's not an excuse) that English is not my native language. Consequently if some of you would be so kind as to help me improve, that'd be terrific. 
> 
> With that being said, how did you like it? I'm not going to lie, it is going to be very angsty.


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